Waiting for our Spirit Baby

Patience. A virtue, perhaps, but not one of mine.

It’s been 6 weeks since I had surgery to terminate my last unsuccessful pregnancy.  The LP and I cannot move on to Plan B (IVF) until we see some fresh blood.  Ugh.  I thought you waited until your post-retirement years to start reliving the longings of youth?  I have not wanted to see my period show up so badly since I was young and avoiding the very thing I now so desperately want.  Life is full of twists and turns, isn’t it?

What better way to pass time when waiting than reading, right?  Okay, silly youtube videos offer more rapid-fire distraction.  But I miss reading.  In my job, I read and write and think all day, too many days a year.  It sucks the joy out of reading for pleasure sometimes.  To combat this, I buy books that often get started, but less often finished.  Two of my three latest book purchases fit this bill.

The third, “Spirit Babies: How to Communicate With the Child You’re Meant to Have” by Walter Makichen, is making a run for its money.  I’m more than half-way through and while there was some serious eye-rolling when I got it and more when I cracked it open, I actually love this book and the little seeds of hope it has planted in my heart.  I know what you’re thinking.  Quel fromage.  Yeah.  Well.  Hormones and secondary infertility do this to a person.  What can I say?

I figure there must be another child LP and I are meant to have. Otherwise, why would I have inadvertently bought 3 copies of this book?  I’d like to blame the internet, which is at least partly at fault, but instead I gave one copy to my acupuncturist and the other I’ll return. The third is mine.  I don’t know how our spirit child managed this, but I’m sure there was some magic to the whole thing and I’ll take magic where I can get it.  For anyone facing the anguish of being unable to conceive or carry a deeply loved and much-wanted child, magic – like luck and miracles – is a good thing.

In short, I’m liking this book.  Thanks, Walter.  So much so, I actually looked him up to see if I could get a “reading” with him.  Sad news.  He died in 2011.  Rest in peace, Walter.  And thanks for the beautiful, inspirational true stories.  And hope.  Where would we be without hope in all of this?

I have tried some of the meditations in Walter’s book.  I cannot say I know what I’m doing or that I am confident any of it is achieving the intended goal (communicating with the child I hope we are meant to have), but I’m not giving up.  Like a terrier, I’m tenacious if nothing else.  Most times.  Not always.  Sometimes I’m a blubbering puss.  We all have our moments.

While waiting, I’ve also been trying out more of the EFT (emotional freedom technique) coaching.  To be honest, I’m really struggling with this stuff.  I’m okay with talking to our Spirit Baby, but the tapping and reaching back to past traumas and unpacking them, while helpful in a big-picture way, I’m sure, seems so disconnected from my goal.  Also, I kind of just don’t “get it”.  I mean, I understand the principle and believe in the power of the mind-body connection.  But I don’t get how the EFT work I’m doing is making it more likely we will have another healthy munchkin.  But.  It came highly recommended from someone I love, respect and trust (my first acupuncturist, with whom I credit the first munchkin, in large part).  So I paid for five sessions and I’ll finish those five at least.  Tomorrow is my third.  Stay tuned.  There may be a revelation in all of this yet.

So, the wait is almost over.  Down-regulation will start soon (drugs to make your ovaries and other reproductive organs take a little snooze).  Then a baseline ultrasound and injection education (I’m actually looking forward to the latter and thankful I’m not scared of needles or the minor discomfort or pain they might create).  Then stims (drugs to fire things up and get the ovaries into overdrive, but not too far into overdrive that we crash and burn) and then – God willing, Spirit Baby cooperating and Magic aplenty – egg retrieval (ER) and – again, God willing, Spirit Baby cooperating and Magic aplenty – egg transfer (ET).  We and our reproductive endocrinologist (RE) are not expecting to have any extra embryos to freeze, although they make us pay for that service up-front, just in case.  One can always hope.

In light of my advanced mama age and the corresponding very low likelihood of having twins or more, the plan is to transfer multiple embryos if they exist by day 3 or day 5 (depending on the RE’s advice about how things are looking at days 3 and 5 after ER).  We have chosen not to do pre-transfer genetic testing on any embryos we do produce (PGD or CGH) on the assumption I won’t make that many eggs and not many will make it to day-5 embryo stage if I do make more eggs than expected (I wouldn’t test at 3-day stage for a couple of reasons).  If reality proves us and our RE wrong, I may reconsider and ask for testing instead of an immediate transfer, in the hopes that we get at least one healthy embie to transfer and forego any more miscarriages (or worse, the decision whether to terminate for medical reasons if it came to that).  I know this possibility is so remote that it bears little contemplation, but I’m a firm believer in anticipating and planning for the “what-if”. Occupational hazard, perhaps.  And one can dream.

Meanwhile, I’ll keep reading, meditating and tapping.

Hopefully my next post is about what it feels like to be on drugs.

Until then, wish us luck.  Please.


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