No, I’m not pregnant. Yet. Bear with me – despite an offer from the RE through the nurse to do an abbreviated down-regulation protocol to try to squeeze egg retrieval and transfer in before the seasonal holidays next month, the LP and I decided to stick with our doc’s recommendation and wait for the original proposed timetable dates. I’m stuck on “the pill” until December 19th. Ugh.
So, what’s completely different? You aren’t going to believe me. I’m not sure I believe it.
Really. I communicated with our spirit baby today. Not just me talking to the soul of the babies I’ve carried but lost. Baby – or someone? Something? – was communicating back to me. Not words. Light. Colour. An unmistakable sense of something warm, heavy and *strange* pressing against my chest. At one point I thought I had dissociated or fallen into a trance-like state when I suddenly realized my head was nodding, “yes”, to the question I had asked (will we be together on earth in my lifetime?).
Before you ask if I was speaking in tongues, too, I must confess that I really didn’t believe this would work. I especially didn’t believe I could do it myself, without help in the form of a psychic (never been to one of those before) or some pretty good hallucinogens.
But it worked. And the spirit baby talked to me. Sort of. He or she sent messages. I’m still decoding them. Perhaps I will share more about that another time. For now, I would just like to express my awe and gratitude.
Thank you, spirit baby, for helping me believe you will come home. One day.
Thank you, me, for finally giving this a chance.
And thank you, dear reader, for sharing this journey of discovery and humility with me.
spiritbabycomehome 
Wow. What were you doing when this communication happened—meditating, reiki, or just sitting there welcoming it in? I’m so curious to learn more. It sounds like a lovely and life-affirming experience, I’m so happy for you.
I’ve had a lot of visions during this almost-3-year journey—during reiki, during acupuncture, massage, yoga. A while back I had an extended vision of me and my twins (one boy, one girl) that was strong, elaborate, awakening. I wanted to do a double embryo transfer recently because of that vision, but decided not to based on doctors’ recommendations and my own serious level of caution and fears about the high risks of a twin pregnancy.
Now I have two embryos frozen. Perhaps our last chance, after this most recent loss (miscarriage of normal karyotype boy from donor egg, my sixth loss in total). I am afraid of transferring the embryos not only because I do not want to experience yet another soul-quashing loss and all that goes with it, but because it will tell me that my vision was fool’s gold after all and not a real communication. Or at least that is the gist of my thinking about it. I don’t want to take away my faith in the visions, too.
Anyway, I don’t often feel I can talk about this stuff so easily, but your post opened me right up. Thanks for your honesty and sharing something so intimate.
Thank you so much for the kind words and sharing *your* vision.
I am so sorry for all the pain and loss you have endured. Even if you don’t end up with twins or two in the end I hope you can work through your fears to transfer if and when you’re ready. Of course you will know what’s best for you.
As for today, I was doing meditations from Walter Makichen’s book, Spirit Babies. I got it on amazon. I have to work hard at meditation as I have a killer case of monkey mind but today this just worked. Or I’ve tricked myself into believing it did. But I want to believe it was our child who is yet to return talking to me.
Thank you so much for the recommendation! I will look it up. And thank you for your condolences. It’s awful. I so want to believe those two could be our children, but I don’t want to be a fool, and feel quite protective of self.
I’m so glad you connected with your child. When it comes to these intangible communications, maybe belief = reality. If you believe it is true, so it is.