I promised to share details of my attempts to communicate with the spirit of the babies we have conceived but not carried to term. As I embark on fulfilling that promise, I am reminded of the Buddhist expression that when student is ready, teacher appears. What follows, for me, has been a personal realization of that phenomenon.
I began this journey by reading a post about spirit babies sometime last year that touched me deeply. I first read the excerpt from Peggy Vincent’s book, Baby Catcher: Chronicles of a Modern Midwife on mommyfriend’s blog: http://mommyfriend.com/2010/04/30/spirit-baby/
After our third lost pregnancy this year, I stumbled across an article about the book, Spirit Babies: How to Communicate with the Child you were Meant to Have by Walter Makichen. After humming and hawing, I ordered it on Amazon. More about Walter (sadly deceased in 2011) here: http://www.waltermakichen.com/
I have read almost the entire book but it took me time to warm up to the idea of meditating for the purpose of attempting to communicate directly with the spirit or spirits of the babies we have lost. The LP and I have talked about the concept of spirit babies and we both believe that our toddler does embody the spirit of the babies we lost before him, especially the first one. This is a stretch for us, as both the LP and I are not very ethereally oriented.
By now, I have tried on a few occasions to reach out to our spirit baby and engage in communication. I have had the sense that we are communicating – that is, that the spirit baby is communicating back to me – twice, possibly three times. I am not batting 100% but I’d still make the team, I think.
The first time, I mostly saw colours and felt a presence with me. When I asked the most pressing question (to me) – “will we be together in this lifetime?” – I waited what felt like an eternity before I felt my own head nodding, but I was not making it bob. I took that to mean yes. Wishful thinking or spiritual communication? I don’t know, but I hope this is the real deal.
I asked a similar question the second time I tried to reach out to our spirit baby. After waiting long enough to believe I was not going to receive a response, I envisioned a young boy pulling a can of sparkling lemonade out of a cooler filled with ice on a sunny day and smiling at me. I started to cry in the here and now. Could it really be? A second child might really come home to us? It seems almost too good to be true.
By the way, Makichen says that although a spirit baby may present as one gender or the other to you during your pre-conception or pre-birth communications, this is not a guarantee that the spirit baby will take the same gender when conceived. Sometimes they end up as they appear to you, sometimes they don’t.
Makichen makes some suggestions of things to ask your spirit baby if you make contact. One of them is whether there is anything you can do to facilitate conception/pregnancy/birth. When I asked that question recently, I felt this sharp pain in my head. I leaned my head back, against the chair in which I was sitting, and tried to relax. As I did so, the pain left. The message? I need to relax.
Another question Makichen suggests is why the spirit baby chose you as a parent. If that isn’t a loaded question, I don’t know what is. I gathered up my courage and asked this one. I waited a long time for a response, thought I was nodding off when I found myself in a room with an older man talking about something I was having trouble following. He looked like a professor. The word “education” came to mind.
“Are you here to teach me?” I asked the spirit baby. No response. I don’t know if I’m supposed to be the teacher, the pupil, or a conduit for higher education for the spirit baby, but until the spirit baby tells me otherwise, I’m taking “learning” as the spirit baby’s answer to this question.
The day that I had these more detailed communications with the spirit baby, I told the LP that I was reluctant to share details about my attempts for fear he would think I have lost my mind. I also admitted I don’t know how to believe it myself.
His response? “If you believe it, I believe it.”