“I am here”

It has been too long since I tried to make contact with the spirit I trust to be the child we are waiting to meet.  I suspect I am still in awe and a little skeptical about whether any of this is real, a little fearful to trust it if it is real and a little uneasy about relaying this to complete strangers (or people I know and love, for that matter).

There is also a big fear that I will not hear, see, feel, or sense anything when I reach out – that Spirit Baby will be gone.

Ah, yes.   Recurrent Pregnancy Loss, I owe you thanks for this reminder that I still have trust issues and will need help should this IVF (baseline ultrasound now only 7 days away!) work and I ever get pregnant again.  Good thing I’ve thought about that.  The plan is to enter a medically induced (but completely baby-friendly) coma for the first 13 weeks and then practice daily meditations, yoga and go for hypnotherapy and regular acupuncture.

I digress.  I do have a “what if I end up pregnant” plan.  It doesn’t include a coma.  However, if that were an option and covered as a medical leave from work, I’d be all over it.  I’d be in good company.

Back to the story.  Since I began practicing the meditation in Walter Makichen’s Spirit Babies book, I have noticed this pull (or is it  a push?) from time to time to reach out to our spirit baby.  I’ve had that feeling – whatever it is – for a couple of days now.  Today I woke up knowing it was time.

Today, my fear about not getting a response from Spirit Baby came true.


Then, more colour.  This kid digs blue.  Indigo this time and an electric, cobalt blue.  In the middle of that sea of blue (can I be more cliché?) was a light.  I chased that light and then it hit men like a big, blue brick between the eyes: this is Spirit Baby.

The words “I am here” leapt to mind.

Yes, Spirit Baby, you are here.  And I am deeply grateful.  So grateful, my immediate response to “I am here” was “Thank you, Spirit Baby.”  Said aloud.  Then some tears.  We all have our moments.

To confirm I’ve gone completely off the deep end, I will share another secret.  I saw a coupon for a clairvoyant reading yesterday and paid for one next Monday.  If someone had told me a year ago (heck, 6 months ago) that I would be doing this, I would have laughed out loud.  Not a chance.  If I tell the LP, there will be considerable  eye rolling.  I don’t care.  This is my boat and I’m rocking it.

Thank you, Spirit Baby. And thank you, me, for going out on a limb.  Yet again.

Wish us luck.  Please.


4 thoughts on ““I am here”

  1. Thank you for sharing your experiences. I bought the Walter Makichen book after my second loss – I really wanted some reassurance that everything would turn out okay. I didn’t have any success with the meditations in the book although I found a youtube one with a spirit guide that helped me at the time. In any case you’ve inspired me to try the Walter Makichen ones again. I’m still worried I will lose this little one too.

    Wishing you the very best of luck!

    • Thank you. Were you unsuccessful in that you didn’t feel you got through to the spirit? I’m afraid I may be tricking myself but in my heart I don’t feel that’s true. I don’t think this would have worked for me last year or before given where I was at either. I hope it works for you now!

      • I was unsuccessful in that I didn’t feel I got through to anything, not the spirit, not even myself. I often wonder if it was because of my mental state during those attempts. My mind was full of desperate chatter and I was motivated by need, not open enquiry. Maybe I got responses but didn’t notice because they were too subtle or symbolic? I don’t know. It will be interesting to see if/how things are different now.

  2. I really hope it works this time for you. I’d love to hear how it went if you would be willing to share. All the best with your pregnancy, I’m sorry about your loss history and hope it is smooth sailing for you from here forward.

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