This is it. My first IVF cycle is about to begin. In a couple of hours, I start injecting Lupron into my belly. I will do that twice a day for two days, then on day 3, I start injecting Puregon (a gonadotropin) into my tummy once a day. I carry on with the twice-a-day Lupron throughout, so three needles in the belly per day starting December 24th. Merry Christmas!
I am actually looking forward to the injections – a mix of curiosity and “let’s get this show on the road” anticipation. I feel powerful when I think about crossing each of these hurdles – each one an “I can do this” and “we are doing it!” moment. My enthusiasm must be wearing off. The LP, who said he wouldn’t do any of the injections, asked me yesterday, “Can I do the first one for you?” I said no, but he could do later ones (he attended the injection teaching so may be qualified). This is my body.
On that note, I may finally be ready to begin the story of my first-ever psychic reading, almost a week ago now. I have been meaning to write this post since then, but for some reason, I have not been able to do so. I was not ready.
First of all, the reading was not at all what I expected. It felt legit, the clairvoyant was not flakey or too airy-fairy for me.
Confession soliloquay: I don’t know what to call her. Medium? Clairvoyant? Psychic? I am going to call her Jenny, since that is how she refers to herself and it’s also how my cousin (another adult), whom I love dearly, refers to herself so even though it sounds like a five-year old’s name, I am fond of it.
First words out of Jenny’s mouth were “I see FEAR.” I shout because it was clear that the fear was shouting out to be heard/seen/felt. It was moving and separate from me. Later in the reading Jenny described it as having the appearance of a snake. I took from what Jenny said that the body language of the snake communicated a sense that I was not in control.
Interesting. Welcome to the land of IF (infertility) and RPL (recurrent pregnancy loss). But more interesting is that a snake is how I imagine my fear when I try to talk to it, most likely from a book I read years ago but occasionally revisit, When Things Fall Apart: Heartfelt Advice for Hard Times by Pema Chodron. The book has a chapter on fear and communicating with ours.
The book – like much Buddhist teaching (and Pema Chodron’s other books) – is replete with allegories. I am a sucker for allegories. The fear chapter has a man who is terrified of snakes trapped in a tent or some other confined space (forgive me, the details are a blur and I’m on vacation so not near my bookshelf). He discovers a snake in the tent with him and spends the entire night awake, having to make friends with his fear. In the morning, he has overcome the fear enough to check out the tent. No snake.
That chapter made a huge impression on me but not until very recently did I try to make friends with my fear in tangible way. I blogged about it, those of you hanging around for a while might remember. (Thanks for hanging around).
Back to Jenny’s reading.
She made some suggestions about my fear snake. I should say hello to it (done that). I should wave at my fears. Upon examining them, I should ask “would you like to help me?” and suggesting what the fear could do to help. If it’s clear that the fear will be of no assistance or isn’t mine, I should show it the door. By doing so, I break up the massive Burmese Python and transform it into a bunch of harmless (and kind of cute) gardener snakes. That’s my analogy, not Jenny’s, but she did say breaking up the fear is good because somehow it had gotten bigger than me and we needed it smaller than me. My EFT coach tells me this, too. A+ for consistency so far!
Jenny said a bunch of stuff I won’t bore you with here. There are, however, a few details that really stuck out and convinced me that she had something to teach me. I was there to learn. I’ll share those details.
First, she saw a bunch of spirit children around me. One stuck out – it was blue, a lavender blue. My heart somersaulted. It was a boy (in the spirit world, which isn’t a gender prediction for any future fetuses, as Walter Makichen’s Spirit Babies book has taught me). My heart back-flipped. That is my Spirit Baby!
She said the connection between me and this child was so clear, she wondered if this was a baby I had lost. I told her that blue and light purple and a boy is what I see when I try to communicate with (what I hope is our) spirit baby. Jenny said this is him, for sure. She said that it is clear to her I have done a lot of the work and that connecting with this child is not where my issues lie. The work I must do is not here.
The trouble is me and my connection to my body. When Jenny did the reading, almost a week ago, she saw my feet not touching the ground. I was not grounded and I spent most of my time not in my body, it was easier for me to dissociate and not be connected with my body. This began when I was born. Jenny visited my birth and despite me having told her nothing about it, captured a huge amount of detail with quite startling accuracy.
It was a time of chaos. True. There was a lot of heat and my mother was in distress medically or on some kind of medication. True. I was not born with a sense of connection and centredness so I disconnected from my body. I cannot confirm or deny this but I suspect it’s true, my mother nearly died when I was born and needed emergency care. I was fine physically but my mother was not. And neither was my father. Both were hospitalized for a time after I was born. Chaos is perhaps a generous term to describe that time.
Jenny is a spirit healer and she worked to help me clear away a lot of this chaos and heal the spiritual umbilical cord to my mother. Interestingly, since last Monday I have felt a huge amount of compassion for my mother and have felt closer and more connected to her. Whether that is the power of suggestion or an effect of Jenny’s work and my own following her reading, I do not know. I’ll take it, either way. My mother died early 2005. On this IF/RPL journey, I have missed her tremendously, though we did not have an easy relationship for most of the years we shared on this earth. EFT and Jenny’s reading have helped me re-connect with my Mom in new ways. I am grateful. Whatever happens, I have this. Thank you, me, for finding my way here.
Back to my body and not being in it. Jenny said this is what is holding me back. This is where I need to focus my energies and do some work. She saw me having been and being in a process of cleaning house (my words) – clearing out other women’s stories, my own and others’ fears, healing old wounds and looking at what it means to me to be a mother and also to harness my female creative energies in my life more generally to achieve what I want.
Jenny saw holes in my aura which she believed were from my many miscarriages. She helped heal and close those and told me that the spirit babies wanted me to know that they were okay and I did not need to hold onto my grief about the miscarriages if I felt I would hurt them by not doing so. I’d never thought of that, but it has resonated with me since she said it. I am grateful she did.
Back to my body and the work I need to do. Jenny said that unless I’m grounded, I get pulled off course from what I want and my vision of what I want may become blurry. She got a sense that I was only 50% ready. I ought to be closer to 95% ready to conceive.
An army of curse words are ready to launch themselves right now. I couldn’t believe it. 50% ready? WTF?!?
Hello, Mr. Fear Snake. How did you get to be so big again?
We spent a bit of time here. I explained we were about to embark on IVF. She said “so you feel a time pressure”. Uh, yeah. Did I mention I was well into my early forties?
Jenny said “time” in spirit-landia is not linear time like on earth. Okay. I guess I knew that from reading the Spirit Babies book. So what exactly is non-linear time? Jenny couldn’t tell me that. She did say that what she saw was me having a sense I had more time and needed more time to complete the work I’d been doing, this clearing away, healing of self and connecting with my goals. What was missing was my connection to my body. I need that to be grounded and I need to be grounded to get closer to that 95-100% ready.
More work? Really?
Yes. More work. My biggest task, however, is letting go and trusting my body to be the safest place for my spirit to hang out.
Sounds simple, doesn’t it?
NOT BLOODY SIMPLE!
Perhaps this explains my delay in being able to draft this post. Being in my body is not easy for me. Grounding myself has taken daily work and I still don’t know if any of that work has helped get me any closer to that 95% I need. Jenny said to keep asking myself “Am I ready?” I don’t have a manual about how to do that meditation. I am a little unsure how to hear the answer. So I am going to go for a run right now and when I feel totally in my body again (because it’s impossible not to when you’re sweaty and aching), I will ask again.
Am I ready? I better be. Injections begin in T minus 55 minutes and counting. I will keep you posted.
Wish us luck. Please.