The Numbers Game and Letting Go to Let Be

My second monitoring appointment has come and gone. I officially have six follicles entered in this race.

A 6-horse field, with one clear favourite (19 mm), a close contender (17.5 mm), a few entries with game (16, 13 and 12 mm) and one straggler (10.5 mm) who may run up the track or never leave the starting gate.

I have one more day of injections after today (including one more “boost” of Puregon and the trigger shot tomorrow).  Egg retrieval (ER) is scheduled for Friday.  January 3, 2014.  May that be our first of several lucky days in this brand new year. We could sure use a little good fortune at this point.

The drugs have – in relative terms – been generally kind to me.  My ovaries ache (I can’t imagine how they’d feel with 10-20 or more eggs as some of my fellow vintage IVF sisters produce), my emotions are wrestling to pierce the thin veneer of controlled faux-calm I am attempting to maintain (I do find myself weeping at sappy songs as I make the 90-minute trek to and from the clinic and my acupuncture appointments of late), but other than these minor hiccups, I feel good.

Afraid, but good.  I had a little chat with my snake and transformed her back into a coffee-can full of gardener snakes as I waited for the monitoring appointment this morning.

I recalled a story my mother told me about one time when I was small and quite taken with gardener snakes.  I had caught a bunch and carried them around in a coffee can and showed people my prized treasure.  I didn’t understand the mostly negative reactions my big reveal attracted and eventually released the snakes (unharmed apart from some fear or dismay on their part in being held captive).  I was able to visualize this and felt a whole lot better (and less fearful now) doing so.  Many little gardener snakes are a lot friendlier than a giant Burmese Python.

Musing on all of this I find myself deeply grateful to have this opportunity. Whatever happens, I am confident that this little spirit I will call Azulito (more on that below) is meant to inhabit a body and become part of our family in the here-and-now. I know this. In my heart, it is already a true story.

I must stay calm, positive and on course to bring this true story to life, whether through this IVF cycle or some other means.  And maybe I need to let go.  Let go and let be.

Letting go is not my strong suit. But I am going to give all I can to letting go and letting be what may be in the coming days.  I have a sense that this is critical. The little snakes are nodding in affirmation.

My second language is Spanish.  Azul is blue en espanol.  “Ito” is a diminutive. Little Blue is our spirit baby.  Please come home soon, Azulito.  We miss you so.

10 thoughts on “The Numbers Game and Letting Go to Let Be

  1. Azulito is a perfect name for your spirit baby.
    And for 2014 I give you hope. Hope that all 6 embryos stay in the race and Hope to help keep the snake (fear) in the can.

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