Baby Steps Toward an Uncertain Future

The past week has been full of bleah.  That needs to change.  I am tired of bleah and all of its friends – tears, sleeplessness, sadness, impossible what-ifs, remorse, regret, grief, heartache, stomachache, menstrual cramps, more tears.  To all of you:  Shoo!!

The failed IVF with its bleak chemical pregnancy outcome tops our lost babies list at 6.  This is not a list to which anyone aspires.  I am sorry for all of us that make lists like this – lists of lost babies, lists of negative pregnancy tests after trying so hard.  It is not right.

I no longer believe we will have another healthy child.  I have lost my hope.  I cannot find my faith.  Four losses in the past year alone – it is too much.  Notwithstanding everything that has happened, the one thing on which the LP and I agree at this point is that we are not ready to give up.  Yet, for me, the past year and its growing list of lost babies has left a wide, gaping hole in my heart into which fear, doubt, dread, and anxiety take turns pouring.  To all of you:  Shoo!!

My acupuncturist this week agreed with me when I said that so long as I feel we will fail, we will not succeed.  I cannot try to conceive so long as I have no (or very little and no genuine) hope left, so long as I believe Western Medicine’s mantra that my eggs are no good, I am too old, there is no other explanation and very little chance unless I choose donor eggs (which I would, but the LP will not, so that’s off the table).  Of this, I am certain.

The acupuncturist then asked what I might do next.  I said I have been thinking of calling the Clinical Hypnotherapist with whom I worked when I was pregnant with Mandy, the baby we lost last September.  My anxiety was at an all-time high after we saw baby’s heart beating but in my gut (or in the Python’s belly?), something was wrong.  I sought help from a few professionals (EFT among them), but the hypnotherapy was the most comforting and seemed the best fit for me.  My acupuncturist  thought this was a good idea.

I did, too, but it took me a couple of days to muster the courage to call.  Courage is required because I had to voice what has happened since I last saw her.  Something like: “I lost the baby in whom you were helping me try to have faith and since then more bad stuff has happened.  We can talk about that when we meet if you like.  Now I’m afraid I may be blocked and need help unblocking myself so I can believe again that I am fertile beneath that elusive secondary infertility diagnosis and beneath that recurrent pregnancy loss diagnosis.”

Deep down, I want to believe we will have another healthy child.  I have to believe this, or there is no real point in trying.  This may not be everyone’s experience, but my experience tells me that this is my truth.

I called.  She was so sorry I lost Mandy.  She made time for me next Monday.  I have an appointment.  She booked me for two hours instead of the usual 90 minutes, gently saying we might need some time when we work with blocks and she wants to make sure she can take care of me (or help me take care of myself) properly.  I appreciate that.  I am scared and looking forward to that appointment at the same time.

These are my baby steps of the past week.  I don’t know what the future may hold.  None of us do.  We can dream.  And then we can try to help ready our cells, our minds, our bodies, our mind-body connection and our behaviours to welcome the reality we hope will one day unfold.  And then, once we have set our intentions and done what we can – when we are feeling enlightened, grounded and safe – we let go.

I am not there.  But I have taken some baby steps and I am grateful for doing so.  Thank you, Me.  One step at a time.

13 thoughts on “Baby Steps Toward an Uncertain Future

  1. I think the time you are in right now, this particular spot, is one of the hardest, because we have choice: Do we give in and give up or do we keep trying? I think you may be right about it not being worth it to try again if you don’t believe. But then again, I believed that the last time was my time—or at least I *thought* I believed. But when I look back, I see all of the anxiety and stress and realize that perhaps I was not really in the best place (especially since my transfer followed one of the most stressful months at work ever). I’m so looking forward to hearing what unfolds in those 90 minutes. x

    • Thank you for this. I get 120 minutes (for the same price – isn’t compassion wonderful?) I feel very fortunate today. She is also a doula who knows our past doula and also knows my first acupuncturist… All of this to say I feel a presence of this incredible cheer team of strong women on the ground – as well as you and other fabulous blog comrades in cyberspace – who want to see me succeed and are here to support me if I reach out and accept their help. I just need to keep taking baby steps and remind myself Azulito is still here (he had kind of disappeared for a bit) so if I want to do this, destiny is still waiting to unfold.

      It is just so tough to trust in a universe that has brought so much pain on the journey. And I wonder his much more I can grieve before I lose myself and my capacity to parent the huge gift we already have. You know this tangle, the endless layers.

      I will keep you posted, I feel like we are on parallel highways in some sense with the unearthing and healing. Good luck this cycle, I am so rooting for you and the two little souls en route to your tummy.

  2. Oh, that’s wonderful! Today in therapy, tears sprang to my eyes when I thought of all the guardian angels I’ve met on this path—your cheer team on the ground sounds like a guardian angel army, good, good. It is sometimes impossible to trust that universe, trust God, or Source, or whatever we want to call it. I stumbled tonight…am drinking wine for the first time in weeks because of a stupid tax audit glitch (we claimed our IVF expenses and are getting the runaround) so I’m feeling sheepish but also remembering that it is okay to stumble. Or maybe stumbling is part of it, necessary. That you’re able to even see the point of trying to find strength, hope, unleash your blocks at this point is strong—it’s so easy to get lost for weeks and weeks and weeks. I hope there’s not too dramatic of a roller-coaster before you. But if there is, we’re here for you, to listen along the way and help in whatever small ways.

  3. This is exactly why I waited almost a year between ivf#3 and ivf#4. If you’re not in the right place mentally/emotionally, what’s the use in going through all the physical stuff? I’m glad you reached out for help. I hope your session helps get rid of the sad feelings and creates space to find hope again.

    • Thank you. After your losses I can fully appreciate why you waited. Like you, I feel the pressure of time (and I’m older than you so that pressure is a deafening roar sometimes) and a part of me wonders if the better thing to do would be to give up altogether. Who knows, maybe then the stars would align? Right now I just want to own my sadness and grief and try to untangle the web of negativity that’s woven inside from all of our losses.

      Good luck with your next fresh cycle – I so hope it is ‘the one’.

  4. Wishing you good luck with aligning the stars as they say. Yes, it is very hard to get your physical and emotional to all want to do the same thing at the same time. Mine is like the north and south pole. I can only hope that sooner than later they might get closer together.

  5. Wandered over here from babycenter…. I feel for you and your partner through these many losses. My husband and I are bracing ourselves for more MC in the coming year — I’m also 43 with a recent healthy birth.

    I think hypnosis is the best thing ever — got me through a 3 day labor and forceps delivery where literally every minute, I felt that my healthy baby was coming in the very next minute…. LOL. The husband couldn’t believe such calm focus could be sustained for 3 days (I’m not like that at ALL in everyday life so it was quite the shock to him). Have a wonderful, healing session.

    • Thank you very kindly for stopping by and commenting. Wow – 3 days. That is awesome!

      Congratulations on your recent healthy birth and the very warmest and best wishes for you to enjoy your little newborn. Are you trying again soon? That’s so courageous. I cried for months having to wean our Miracle Baby just to do IVF (now I wonder if it was worth it, though I’m not feeling guilty) and that was after he was well over a year. I now wish I’d weaned earlier because then maybe I’d have had a better chance. But can’t look back, must look forward!

      • Thanks so much although my baby is almost a year old, I weaned him to jump start my ovulation after only 5 months. That was hard but I told myself that he wouldn’t miss the BM as much as a sibling. (Although I have to brace myself that he may have missed out on both….) It took 5-6 months to get a CP/MC last month. We will keep trying but yes, we are trying to prepare ourselves for more miscarriages in our quest for another. Will pursue intervention if nothing happens in the next few months. If we ever have to do a TFMR, at that point, I will stop. We are looking into adoption, either way.

        You’re a great writer, thanks for putting it all down.

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