I am 11 days past my IUI using injectable drugs. I promised not to test early this time. That is huge for me. If I succeed it will be the first time during almost four years of trying to conceive/being pregnant/miscarrying that I have not obsessively tested early and often. Saturday is my blood test for beta hCG levels. The plan is either to take a home pee test that morning, before I go to the lab, or to not answer the call from the fertility clinic either that day or Sunday (depending when they call) unless the LP is with me and only listening to the message together.
This has become my place to be painfully (not brutally) honest and so here goes: I want to crack. Until today, I was pretty resolute about sticking to my promise. But the last few days have thrown me for a loop. Or two.
On Sunday I had this vision of my mother that rattled my bones. It was as though she was right here, riding this escalator as I watched her come closer and closer until she was at the top. I wasn’t asleep and I wasn’t awake so I don’t really know what to call it other than a “vision”. I am convinced that the spirit world, some thing or some one is trying to get my attention and tell me something important, but I have no clear idea what that something is.
Today I woke up from a nightmate that deeply upset me. The nightmare was very unusual (for me). I was a passenger in a vehicle that was speeding along a road on which, in the oncoming traffic lane, an enormous red fox lie wounded, its legs broken and its body immobilized, but its heart beating, its mind alert and its eyes pleading for help. I begged the driver of the vehicle I was in to stop. That didn’t happen. I tried to call 911. I was so distraught, I fumbled my phone and a million thoughts raced through my head as I watched, helplessly, a man in the oncoming traffic lane drive up and get out of his pickup truck to start firing a long handgun at the road between him and the wounded fox, terrifying the fox even further in a brutal display of unnecessary cruelty. I was so stunned I didn’t think to photograph the man or his licence plate or the street signs as we sped past so I could give useful information to the 911 operator.
I was deeply upset by this nightmare and recounting it to the LP earlier today, I felt tears welling up in my eyes. I woke up drenched, my heart pounding, ready to burst into tears. I felt unheard and helpless to save the fox from further misery and to stop the man from behaving so cruelly. I felt complicit in my impotence. And deeply sad. Again, I feel that I am supposed to be receiving some message from this dream but I have not connected with what that message is. I just feel lost and a little afraid of what it might mean because I simply do not know.
For whatever reason, these two things – “seeing” my Mom and feeling her presence on Sunday and the red fox nightmare – have me coming undone and wanting to find out if this is happening because I’m pregnant or if it’s the the damned progesterone supplements I’m taking that are messing with my mind. I wish I knew what the message is from my mother and this dream. But I have no insight into either. To be honest, I’m still feeling a little shocked by the former and surprised by the intensity of my reaction to the latter. And the unhealthy, addictive part of me wants to start pulling out sticks to pee on and see if I’m pregnant.
Seriously, what the heck is up with that?
I am at a total loss for inroads to what it all (or any of it) means. If anyone has any insights, I’d love to hear your thoughts!