Just What Is Going On Here?

I am 11 days past my IUI using injectable drugs.  I promised not to test early this time.  That is huge for me.  If I succeed it will be the first time during almost four years of trying to conceive/being pregnant/miscarrying that I have not obsessively tested early and often.  Saturday is my blood test for beta hCG levels.  The plan is either to take a home pee test that morning, before I go to the lab, or to not answer the call from the fertility clinic either that day or Sunday (depending when they call) unless the LP is with me and only listening to the message together. 

This has become my place to be painfully (not brutally) honest and so here goes:  I want to crack.  Until today, I was pretty resolute about sticking to my promise.  But the last few days have thrown me for a loop.  Or two.

On Sunday I had this vision of my mother that rattled my bones.  It was as though she was right here, riding this escalator as I watched her come closer and closer until she was at the top.  I wasn’t asleep and I wasn’t awake so I don’t really know what to call it other than a “vision”.  I am convinced that the spirit world, some thing or some one is trying to get my attention and tell me something important, but I have no clear idea what that something is.

Today I woke up from a nightmate that deeply upset me.  The nightmare was very unusual (for me).  I was a passenger in a vehicle that was speeding along a road on which, in the oncoming traffic lane, an enormous red fox lie wounded, its legs broken and its body immobilized, but its heart beating, its mind alert and its eyes pleading for help.  I begged the driver of the vehicle I was in to stop.  That didn’t happen.  I tried to call 911.  I was so distraught, I fumbled my phone and a million thoughts raced through my head as I watched, helplessly, a man in the oncoming traffic lane drive up and get out of his pickup truck to start firing a long handgun at the road between him and the wounded fox, terrifying the fox even further in a brutal display of unnecessary cruelty.  I was so stunned I didn’t think to photograph the man or his licence plate or the street signs as we sped past so I could give useful information to the 911 operator. 

I was deeply upset by this nightmare and recounting it to the LP earlier today, I felt tears welling up in my eyes.  I woke up drenched, my heart pounding, ready to burst into tears.  I felt unheard and helpless to save the fox from further misery and to stop the man from behaving so cruelly.  I felt complicit in my impotence.  And deeply sad.  Again, I feel that I am supposed to be receiving some message from this dream but I have not connected with what that message is.  I just feel lost and a little afraid of what it might mean because I simply do not know.

For whatever reason, these two things – “seeing” my Mom and feeling her presence on Sunday and  the red fox nightmare – have me coming undone and wanting to find out if this is happening because I’m pregnant or if it’s the the damned progesterone supplements I’m taking that are messing with my mind.  I wish I knew what the message is from my mother and this dream.  But I have no insight into either.  To be honest, I’m still feeling a little shocked by the former and surprised by the intensity of my reaction to the latter.  And the unhealthy, addictive part of me wants to start pulling out sticks to pee on and see if I’m pregnant. 

Seriously, what the heck is up with that?

I am at a total loss for inroads to what it all (or any of it) means.  If anyone has any insights, I’d love to hear your thoughts!


20 thoughts on “Just What Is Going On Here?

  1. I don’t have much insight but I do know that this whole process can have crazy side effects. I am a pretty unemotional person but when I went through my last IUI, I was all over the place. I hope this one works out for you!

  2. No insights sorry – I tend to think my dreams are just designed to elicit whatever emotions from me that I’m not expressing, so I try to go with the expression and leave the interpretation. I totally get the wanting to know thing though – what does it mean? Am I pregnant? All the waiting and the lack of certainty on this journey is so difficult. I’ll be thinking of you and hoping you find some peace, whether you decide to test early or not. x

    • Thanks very much for your hope and kind thoughts. The part about my mom is what is really haunting me. I also just found out the fox can symbolize a message from the dead so that’s a little trippy!

  3. Maybe your mom just wants you to know she is nearby and watching over you on this journey? I can’t speak much to the dream cuz progesterone makes me have wacky dreams too. I’ve had BFP dreams and only ever got BFN, so I’ve stopped reading into dreams as much.

    • Thank you for your comment and for reading. Yes, you may be right about my mom. It’s just very unexpected. I never remember my dreams except when they appear to tell me something and in my gut I am certain this one has a message. Oh well. The point in part I guess is his tough it is for me not to test early and suffer for it!

      • Just sit on it. Maybe the meaning will come to you in a little while? I know often things don’t make sense right away to me. Your mom’s visit was unexpected yet amazing at the same time. 🙂 I love it when this experiences happen.

  4. I’m so sorry you had that nightmare. I’ve had lots of unsettling dreams throughout my life. It helps to talk them through.

    I don’t have any specific insight, except to say that, in my experience, the messages in nightmares are all about the emotions, not necessarily the actual content. You felt sad, distraught, helpless, fumbling. You felt the fox’s emotions, too: fear, helplessness, misery, wounded. Think about the things that may be causing you to feel this way in your waking life (infertility, obviously, but there’s probably something else, too), even if you don’t think you’ve actually felt this way. Our dreams often tell a better truth than our waking minds.

    (If it’s any consolation, I often have dreams where I can’t call 911, because I keep hitting the wrong numbers, or if I do manage to make the call, I’m often on hold or they just don’t seem to care.)

    • Thank you for these thoughts and suggestions, they’re helpful. I do think the dream is highlighting the lack of control I feel about my fertility obstacles and the anguish I experience as part of that. I also think it may be warning me about putting others’ needs before my own. I was prepared to put myself in harm’s way possibly for the fox, for example. Fear of the unknown springs to mind here – I am afraid to let go. Hmmm.

      So glad your pregnancy is going well, in happier news!!!

  5. Sorry you’re having such a tough time. I’m 7dpiui today, and I too (like you) have decided not to test early and often like every time before. I’m hoping that seeing your mom and that crazy nightmare mean something….but I guess you’ll know soon enough! Best of luck, I hope this is the cycle for you!

    • Thank you very kindly for stoping by and sharing your kind words and hope. I really appreciate both. I hope you are successful this cycle as well. You’re half way through the wait, I will keep my fingers crossed that the second half concludes with great news.

  6. Sending you so many positive thoughts hon. I’m amazed you have held off this long. I would have tested at least 2 or 3 times by now!

    • Thanks. I tested yesterday. It was positive. This morning, not so much (or at least the faint line is no darker). Wishing now I hadn’t bothered. If tomorrow’s would be negative, it would have been better not to know. Oh well.

      • Remember sweety it takes longer for HCG to get into the urin and it take 48hrs to really see a difference on the tests. I am praying that your lines get darker and tomorrow brings you a pleasant surprise, which you deserve so much.

        • Thank you so much. I know, I am gauging by my 6 other pregnancies and 1 CP and just so darn gun shy at this point. My tests were darker by 13 DPO than it is today and that’s just hard to shake. Going to get down on my knees and beg and hope for the best tomorrow. I really don’t want any more pee tests to be honest. My hands were shaking and heart racing – I was stunned at the level of stress they provoke. Why do we have to suffer like this?

          Good luck today, you’re in my thoughts as always.

      • Oh hon, I’m so so sorry. My heart is aching for you. With my own chemical pregnancy still so fresh, I can’t help feeling so much anger right now. It’s just so unfair! …I know it seems unlikely at this point, but I’m going to hold on to hope for tomorrow. It could just be too early for the line to be any darker and I’ve read that the sensitivity for hcg can be inconsistent between the same brand of tests within the same box. I don’t want to give you false hope, but stranger things have happened. Big hug hon.

  7. Oh wow, you’ve still got a shot, you’re in this race. Those cells can still develop, split, and multiply properly. My own BFP is tenuous as well and Dr. reported low initial HCG but I’m hanging onto the faint possibility that the cell growth is just starting off slow. Hoping for your miracle (and mine). When I was reading about your dream, from my perspective I thought the man in the truck was getting out to end the fox’s suffering since it was so seriously wounded (and fully conscious of the pain it was in). I think it’s interesting that you won’t give up on the fox, that it’s awareness was a sign of its life-force and value, not a rationale to extinguish that life.

    • Wow. That’s an amazing perspective on my dream – thank you.

      I’m really hoping and praying for your pregnancy.

      Mine turned chemical last night, beta today was negative and I’m already heavily spotting. Lots of tears today – more than expected. Heart is heavy and so wounded. Oh well. Tomorrow is another day I suppose.

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