You know those days? They are exceedingly rare for me but today is one of them. I waited until 12 days past my IUI and 13.5 past my hCG trigger shot. The home pregnancy tests were positive. Not even squinters.
But last night I had some spotting and the test line was barely visible. My hCG had dropped dramatically from yesterday morning. And this afternoon I got my blood test result. Negative.
The nurse said she was sorry when she called with the bad news. She asked if I wanted to book a follow-up conference with our RE. I said no. Why bother? At this point our options are:
1. Give up;
2. Use donor eggs (RE gave us a 60% chance with one egg transferred, 70% with two transferred);
3. Take a break; or
4. Try “naturally” one or two more times.
I am still not ready for #1. The LP isn’t ready for #2. Last night I voted for #4. A week ago I voted for #3. Today I’m a mess of tears and broken-hearted ambivalence.
I wish we could take a real vacation but the fertility treatments (both those past and a potential frozen donor egg cycle) make that impossible or at least very unwise. I have not cried this hard or much since last September when we lost “Mandy” after seeing [her] little heart beating away 2 weeks earlier.
I feel so sad. So defeated. So afraid that my yearning/dream/wish for more than one child will never come to pass. And I am afraid that a donor’s frozen eggs would not survive in my womb, either. I have lost my confidence. And my spirit is crushed.
I tried breathing in the pain and breathing out softness and light but that ain’t happening today. There is no tonglen or peace in me today. Today I hate everything and wish it would all just go away.