I hate everything

You know those days?  They are exceedingly rare for me but today is one of them. I waited until 12 days past my IUI and 13.5 past my hCG trigger shot. The home pregnancy tests were positive. Not even squinters.

But last night I had some spotting and the test line was barely visible.  My hCG had dropped dramatically from yesterday morning.  And this afternoon I got my blood test result. Negative. 

The nurse said she was sorry when she called with the bad news. She asked if I wanted to book a follow-up conference with our RE. I said no. Why bother?  At this point our options are:

1.  Give up;

2.  Use donor eggs (RE gave us a 60% chance with one egg transferred, 70% with two transferred); 

3. Take a break; or

4.  Try “naturally” one or two more times. 

I am still not ready for #1. The LP isn’t ready for #2.  Last night I voted for #4. A week ago I voted for #3. Today I’m a mess of tears and broken-hearted ambivalence. 

I wish we could take a real vacation but the fertility treatments (both those past and a potential frozen donor egg cycle) make that impossible or at least very unwise.  I have not cried this hard or much since last September when we lost “Mandy” after seeing [her] little heart beating away 2 weeks earlier.  

I feel so sad. So defeated. So afraid that my yearning/dream/wish for more than one child will never come to pass.  And I am afraid that a donor’s frozen eggs would not survive in my womb, either.  I have lost my confidence. And my spirit is crushed. 

I tried breathing in the pain and breathing out softness and light but that ain’t happening today. There is no tonglen or peace in me today. Today I hate everything and wish it would all just go away. 


8 thoughts on “I hate everything

  1. It is ok to just shut the door and close out the world. Take the time you need. I know from our experiences my mind sometimes changes from the time it takes me to walk from our bedroom to the kitchen (20 feet). Thinking of you.

  2. Oh hon, my heart just aches right now. I feel your pain. It’s just so unfair. Sending you strength and prayers. XO

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