My doctor’s nurse called me today and confirmed I could pick up the reports from my D&C in late September 2013. I reordered my afternoon to do that. I retreated to my car and read the pre-op and post-op reports. No karyotype results although the post-op report references my request and the surgeon’s confirmation that a portion of the tissue was sent for this purpose.
I went back to the nurse. She couldn’t find that report. She found the LP’s and my karyotype results from the RPL panel work up we had done last Spring after our second miscarriage in 2013. But not the results for the baby whose heart stopped beating last September (becoming miscarriage #3 for 2013). She offered to call the surgeons office and get it for me. Hopefully by Thursday morning. Sigh. Will this never end?
In reading the post-op report I felt a surge of sadness. My uterus measured 10 weeks (at least that was accurate) and had already tipped forward to make room for baby to grow. Baby measured 7 weeks 6 days (should have been 10 weeks 1 or 2 days by the time of surgery) and placenta was incomplete. I am trying to reassure myself that the uterine measurements and tilt forward are normal and the anomaly was baby’s restricted or delayed growth and development.
I can’t believe I’m once again hoping for confirmation that our baby had a chromosomal abnormality. But the alternative is terrifying. What else could be wrong with me or be impeding my ability to carry a healthy tot to term or viability stage at least? I shudder to think. So I am trying not to do so.
In other news, I’ve been having weird dreams about people I haven’t seen in years. I have made sense of why my Mom came to visit (I believe she is making peace in part and urging me to live a more peaceful life than she had – more on that in another post some day) and I got an awesome message from one of our spirit babies recently that also deserves a future post of its own. And I’ve been trying to develop a breathing practice. I’ve abandoned fertility meditations and am trying to focus on my breath and building a peaceful breathing meditation practice instead. I suck at it but I like the challenge and don’t resent the endless focus on fertility. It’s nice to take a break from that stuff.
I will update again after we get the karyotype results. We have a counselling appointment in the meantime to work on our feelings about our 5 losses in the past year and a move to DEIVF. Of course any steps down that path must wait for the baby’s karyotype results. And that’s just fine with me. I need to get out of the blue funk I’ve been in for a spell first anyway.
In the meantime… I can’t wait for Spring to arrive. Wish it would get a move on already!