The Saga Continues

My doctor’s nurse called me today and confirmed I could pick up the reports from my D&C in late September 2013. I reordered my afternoon to do that. I retreated to my car and read the pre-op and post-op reports. No karyotype results although the post-op report references my request and the surgeon’s confirmation that a portion of the tissue was sent for this purpose.

I went back to the nurse. She couldn’t find that report. She found the LP’s and my karyotype results from the RPL panel work up we had done last Spring after our second miscarriage in 2013. But not the results for the baby whose heart stopped beating last September (becoming miscarriage #3 for 2013). She offered to call the surgeons office and get it for me. Hopefully by Thursday morning. Sigh. Will this never end?

In reading the post-op report I felt a surge of sadness. My uterus measured 10 weeks (at least that was accurate) and had already tipped forward to make room for baby to grow. Baby measured 7 weeks 6 days (should have been 10 weeks 1 or 2 days by the time of surgery) and placenta was incomplete. I am trying to reassure myself that the uterine measurements and tilt forward are normal and the anomaly was baby’s restricted or delayed growth and development.

I can’t believe I’m once again hoping for confirmation that our baby had a chromosomal abnormality. But the alternative is terrifying. What else could be wrong with me or be impeding my ability to carry a healthy tot to term or viability stage at least? I shudder to think. So I am trying not to do so.

In other news, I’ve been having weird dreams about people I haven’t seen in years. I have made sense of why my Mom came to visit (I believe she is making peace in part and urging me to live a more peaceful life than she had – more on that in another post some day) and I got an awesome message from one of our spirit babies recently that also deserves a future post of its own. And I’ve been trying to develop a breathing practice. I’ve abandoned fertility meditations and am trying to focus on my breath and building a peaceful breathing meditation practice instead. I suck at it but I like the challenge and don’t resent the endless focus on fertility. It’s nice to take a break from that stuff.

I will update again after we get the karyotype results. We have a counselling appointment in the meantime to work on our feelings about our 5 losses in the past year and a move to DEIVF. Of course any steps down that path must wait for the baby’s karyotype results. And that’s just fine with me. I need to get out of the blue funk I’ve been in for a spell first anyway.

In the meantime… I can’t wait for Spring to arrive. Wish it would get a move on already!

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11 thoughts on “The Saga Continues

  1. I love reading your blog. You talk about spirit babies!!! I’ve been trying to write a post about our spirit baby for so long but it’s like I’m afraid to just come out and put it all down. Really looking forward to hearing more about your message. And I’m sorry that you aren’t getting the answers you want. Have you ever heard of Bodytalk? I had a session last week and it always confirms/validates where things are at both physically, emotionally and spiritually for me (and my spirit babies tend to come through then too). It’s a very interesting energy healing concept. I wish I knew about it when we first started on our journey.

  2. Man, I am SO impatient, so it bothers me that you are still waiting on the karyotype report. Uh-noying. Lovely though that you have good dreams with visits from your Mom and Babies. I wish I had good dreams, but I’m only ever aware of the stressful dreams. You’re very blessed to have that connection! And *hugs* to you sweets. I hope your losses are behind you (but not forgotten) and that your rainbow baby will greet you soon! XOXO

    • I usually only have or remember the scary crappy dreams too actually. The baby talking to me is never when I’m asleep. I’ve been following recommendations from Walter Makichen’s book, Spirit Babies, since last year to try to communicate with the wee ones’ spirits. I’m not particularly good or consistent at it but I try. 🙂

  3. oh sigh, my heart is aching for you after reading this. i had a miscarriage a couple months ago, and the thought of trying again and reading results and going to the appointments is already worrying me – i’ll be praying for you and wishing the best.

    • Thank you so kindly for your comment and compassion. I am very sorry for your loss.

      I wouldn’t recommend reading the reports but sometimes it becomes important. Like now in my case as I discern if there is an issue with me or it’s the expected aneuploidy issue everyone keeps assuming. I have some medical legal background so understand most of what’s written but that doesn’t make it feel any less rotten as you relive it.

  4. Gah, come on already…I’m sorry to hear no news yet. I of course feel a great deal of empathy—I remember waiting for results, holding out hope that our last loss was chromosomally abnormal. In my case, as you know, it was a normal boy, something I never thought I’d get over, but did manage to and continue to have hope…hope based on not very much medical/scientific info, that’s for sure. I hope you don’t have to go through that. If you move on to DE am here for questions if they arise. xox

    • Thank you so much for this, sweets. You’re so awesome. I am very happy for you right now, just feeling a little fragile and insular. No reflection of my glee for you, hope you know that.

      As for waiting, I’m kind of used to it now. And waiting without any news beats more bad news some days. But ultimately I just want to know one way or another. Certainly the RPL panel, saline ultrasounds, karyotype testing on us, etc have not turned up a single thing. So to find out now it may be me would just be such a wild ride. Ah well. Wait and see!

  5. I can’t believe you don’t have these results yet! I would be going crazy! I’m sending you so many prayers you get all the answers you need soon so you can move forward. May spring bring new beginnings for all of us!

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