I’m not pregnant. I don’t know what was up with the test I took Friday evening (April 4th), which had a clear and unmistakable second (“test”) line beside the control line. I tested again today and I was greeted with a stark white abyss into which I’m sure I looked far too long. No second line. I took another brand, everyone’s favourite FRER. Big Fat Negative. Game over. Or maybe it was just a joke? I will never know.
Either way, aside from some to-be-expected disappointment and a little befuddlement, I am genuinely relieved.
The relief is twofold. First, I didn’t want another miscarriage (especially one that doesn’t happen for another month or more and is followed by another month or two of waiting for things to get back to normal – been there, done that way too many times already). And in this case, I didn’t feel pregnant – the usual nausea wasn’t here and that’s always a bad sign for me (when it’s not making its presence known, I mean – those pregnancies always end relatively quickly for me). I only took the test because I didn’t want to throw away $1200 early next week to get the donor egg bank plan rolling if waiting was in order. It isn’t, so we’re back to Plan D for Donor Eggs, full steam ahead.
Well… not exactly full steam. I’m now checking into another clinic that has its own frozen donor egg bank and apparently a more reasonable price tag than the combination of My Egg Bank and our clinic in the northwestern bits of North America.
The pool at MEB is limited and I’m told that your first and sometimes second choices are gone before your request is processed, which makes me wary. And we have friends and a retired race horse I like to visit in California so… I’m just sayin’. I have no particular loyalty to our clinic and the LP has none (“what have they done for us other than take our money?” – I can’t argue with that assessment).
The second “fold” of the relief is that I believe in my heart that donor eggs are the right path for us. Yesterday I became even more convinced of this when I saw four blue jays in our back yard yesterday. At first I saw two (like magpies, they mate for life so this is unsurprising in and of itself). Then two more joined them. I have never seen four blue jays together before.
The jays looked at me. I am sure they knew I was there and they were all full of life and themselves (as jays often are). I felt immediately lucky – I knew they were important. In reading about the spiritual beliefs people sometimes attribute to jays, I learned that they often stand for clarity and truth and they remind us to be honest with ourselves. They are also reminders of our endurance. Like I need any reminding in that department!
I thought, if I’m honest with myself, I just want a real chance at another healthy baby, a viable pregnancy that is not a source of endless doom and dread, and a second little person to love and raise in the best way I know how and will continue to learn. I would have of course welcomed a healthy pregnancy of our own making if I’d turned out to be pregnant for real with a viable egg of my own. But some part of me knew that was not going to happen and was trying to be okay with that. It just is, let’s be honest (with myself).
Then I opened the toy that came with our little person’s Kinder Surprise (little rascal snagged it off the shelf while helping me put groceries on the belt yesterday and started eating it before I even saw what was happening, so I paid for it and let Easter candy consumption begin early). A hippopotamus! First of all, I love hippos. Second, they are a fertility symbol in some cultures and generally as a water animal they represent birth and creation. Third, because they are amphibious they blend water (intuitive knowing) and earth (practicality and stability), meaning they remind us that we can engage emotionally at a deep level without becoming ungrounded or losing our heads.
I pulled an animal spirit guide card recently that told me to watch for signs that will guide me. How much more clear a message could I have received? Plan D it is!