Not Again… Most Expensive Chemical Pregnancy To Date (Updated)

So the good news of two (now three) nights ago has turned into beta hell. Our clinic schedules first beta-hCG blood test post-FET at 7 days after a 5-day transfer.  I took a digital FRER a few hours before the blood test. Positive.

I spent the day relieved and looking forward to my nurse’s call with the beta result. She called late and started with “congratulations your test was positive.”  Then she said anything over 5 is positive and what we need to see now is the number going up.

Then I stupidly asked what the number was.

14.

That is really low. Chemical pregnancy low for 12 days past ovulation (the natural cycle equivalent of 7dp5dt).

My mouth went dry. My heart sank. I was stunned but managed to ask if that was anywhere near the range they are looking for at 7 days post-FET.  The nurse clearly struggled and after a long pause she tried to sound positive, but admitted it was low. Then she repeated “we always say anything over 5 is positive and we need to see the hormones increase so we will retest Thursday”.

I know betas have to start somewhere. I know it is early.  But I also know that betas this low almost never yield viable pregnancies.

And now I want to curl up and die. Right after giving the fertility gods a killer throat punch.

*** UPDATE as of May 28, 2014 (see below)

The FRER digital HPT is negative with first-morning urine (supposed to have the highest concentration of hCG) and the traditional FRER HPT has an almost invisible test-line.

That’s it.  I’m kicking God in the nuts personally.  I’ve had it with this.  My body is clearly killing babies.  Why when all my repeat pregnancy loss tests come back negative???

I’m e-mailing our new RE and head nurse today with the progression of darkening positives from the weekend through yesterday morning and now today’s and asking for a what-the-heck conference ASAP.  I want to kill anyone and everyone.  So much for Ms. Positive and the Law of Attraction.  The law of attraction can suck balls.  And they better be sterile, damn it.

In short: I truly am cursed.  Thanks for playing, folks.

42 thoughts on “Not Again… Most Expensive Chemical Pregnancy To Date (Updated)”

    • Thanks for commiserating. I’m really sorry you’re feeling crappy too.

      I know I’m supposed to believe it could all work out but that’s just not my reality. This is pregnancy #8 and I really want it not to become casualty #7. I so believed this would be different. I feel cursed. And full of curses!

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  2. My heart just broke for/with you. I understand the importance of the beta and understand your fears right now. I wish I could say something to make you feel better, but I doubt anything will help right now. Thinking of you and hoping for you.

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    • Nope. Done like dinner. Hopefully beta will be zero tomorrow so I can just be done. Digi and regular are negative and nearly invisible this morning. Curl up and for inside time. Again. I effing hate effing everything right now.

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  5. No, no, no, no, no! I refuse to accept this too. The next beta has to go up. It just has to. Seriously, universe! Please don’t do this. I’m saying so many prayers hon. So many prayers.

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      • Oh hon. I’m just stunned. My heart is broken. I’m so, so very sorry. Sending you all the warmth and strength I have. Big, big hug.

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        • Thank you. I need that hug. My heart feels as though it’s exploded and is strewn across my desk, twitching and bleeding. I was so sure. What a fool my heart has made of me!

        • Thank you. I don’t know if you’ll relate to this, but write in case you might. The one thing I’m grateful for today is that the head nurse did not try to tell me “there is still a chance” when I emailed her with the chronology of tests since Saturday through to this morning and my request for a follow-up with the RE once my beta #2 tomorrow morning confirms this is over. She didn’t say “there is no hope” (because that would be cruel) but she did say she’d get the front staff to call me to book the WTF call after my beta is in tomorrow. (And meanwhile, keep taking the progesterone – ugh). I need the hugs but I also really appreciate people not trying to say “it’s not over til it’s over…”, you know?

        • I completely understand and can absolutely relate! When I got my negative beta after my transfer in February, I spoke to the nurse and she didn’t lie then either. She encouraged me to keep taking the progesterone until my second beta too “just in case” , but I asked her what the odds were of it being positive after a negative and she was straight up with me. I really appreciated it because I already knew at that point what the result would be.

          Sending you strength for tomorrow and so much love and peace in the days ahead.

  6. Ugh! WTF? I am so sad and angry reading this right now. I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better. I guess the only thing I will say is that you are not alone and I am pissed off on your behalf! Seriously. Trying to send some light and positive energy your way, but I know this stinks right now 😦

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  7. WTF!!! This is so wrong and I am so sorry this is happening to you. I thought I was the only one with shit luck and the I hate God and why are you doing this to me. This is not a club that I wanted you or anyone else for that matter to join because this club really sucks and comes with a high premium to be a member to. This is so unfair and I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better but I know there is nothing anyone can say. Just know you are in my thoughts and prays.

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  8. Ugh, I’m so so sorry to hear this. There is absolutely nothing comforting to be said/written right now. Just know you’re not alone. Try to snuggle that Miracle Toddler and eat foods that make your mouth feel good. Anything to take care of yourself. THIS SUCKS BALLS.

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  13. Oh hun I’m sorry to read this. What a miserable place to be, I know it well. Sending warm cozy hugs to you, holding you in my thoughts xxx

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  14. You aren’t cursed… our medical system is. Have they ever done immune therapy on you yet? It’s something I’ll be bringing up at our IVF consult. There HAS to be a reason your babies won’t stick. *big hugs* My heart is heavy for you. I know how much pain you must be going through. It’s so hard to stay positive when it all comes crashing down.

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    • I had the RPL panel last Spring, after loss #3 (1st one after our little one was born). And karyotype testing. Both normal (karyotyping for me and the LP). If you haven’t done either, ask ask ask. The karyotyping takes a long time for results to come back (think months at least where we are) so worth doing as early as you can. Of course, it’s costly so doctors usually won’t do it unless you’ve had at least 3 losses where we are. Same with RPL panel (and even after my Dr. wrote the requisition for the RPL testing, the lab rejected it saying it was not warranted, my GP insisted so it was done – these notes are typed into the results, so she explained what happened when she gave me copies – which I’ve had to give to each of our REs).

      But I’m sure there is testing that hasn’t been done. And there is always the chance this is ectopic and not a chemical. Wouldn’t that be fun? Never had that before. 😦

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  16. I’m just now catching up on the developments of the last few months and my heart is breaking for you. I am so sorry. It’s all so unfair!! I’m thinking of you, and sending you strength. {hug}

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