I am not myself lately. I have no joie de vivre. I am not passionate about anything.
Who am I kidding?
I am depressed. I’ve lost my mojo. I am flat. My inner voice is telling me to get help. So this morning I sent an e-mail to our grief counsellor (the one we met in January 2011 after miscarriage #1 of our now 8 losses). I asked if she can see me and if not if she can refer me to someone else versed in recurrent pregnancy loss (RPL).
I am way under budget at work for the year to date (so much so I had to speak with my practice group leader about it this week – talk about adding insult to injury). Part of this is due to a large project file with which I was heavily involved that has gone dormant but a more persistent part is the time away from work I’ve taken for IVF and other assisted reproductive technology (ART) treatments this year and the fact that I’m only half-present on any given day at work unless I’m committed to managing one or more urgent matters (which absorb my attention completely). I feel ashamed and discouraged and a little hopeless even though my colleagues and practice group leader have been reassuring and patient with me (none of them know about the RPL issues or the ART-related absences from work – I lie and say I’m away on personal business or vacation because… well… that is a whole other post, one I’d rather not dive into today. Suffice to say the law is not as progressive as people make out and legal work environments are not receptive to “women’s troubles”).
Did I mention I am getting audited (self-assessed to be more specific) for claiming our IVF expenses on my taxes last year? Sigh… Of course I am. Why wouldn’t I be?
I am waffling over getting any more immune testing done for RPL. I’ve reached out to and gotten a price list from Dr. Braverman’s clinic in NYC – GASP (we have to pay out of pocket)! It’s looking like we’d pay upward of $3,500 just for testing and a consult. I found an immunology lab in Chicago, MI Lab, who will do a la carte testing but even there the Implantation Failure Panel costs $2,200 USD plus $200 USD for shipping and handling (they’ve actually given me a price tag of $1860 USD after excluding testing I’ve already had done from their usual panel). I’ve ordered the testing kit just in case, which I expect will take some time to arrive in the mail. Meanwhile, I have an appointment with my regular doctor next week to see what she is and is not willing to do to help.
And what is my gut telling me about the immune testing? I don’t have a hot clue because I’m numb, depressed, sad, flat… whatever I call it, the bottom line is I am disonnected from my body, my self, me. And it sucks.
Please accept my apology for the downer post. Some days are like that, as I am sure most of you know.