Hello, Spirit Baby! Long Time No See…

I started this blog after our third miscarriage in 2013.  That was my 6th pregnancy (5th loss).  Sometime between pregnancies 4 and 6 I started reading about spirit babies and the idea that when we lose a pregnancy, the soul or spirit of the lost baby does not “die” with the fetal tissue.  I was quite enamoured with this idea and still like thinking that our Miracle Toddler is the repository of the first soul we ever loved in 2010  and lost in early 2011.

The LP and I have chosen to believe that the soul of our first baby together (my first pregnancy) is alive and well in the Miracle Toddler.  This brings me great comfort, as my first loss was for a long time the hardest one for me to accept and survive.  I suspect that’s true for many women who suffer as I do from recurrent pregnancy loss.  The first one shatters our innocence, even if we knew the risks of miscarriage going into the pregnancy.

All of this is a meandering way of saying that I started and named this blog with my belief in spirit babies firmly in place and my hope that IVF would bring our spirit baby/ies home alive and kicking.  Along the way, with three more miscarriages under my belt (so to speak), my hope and faith have taken a serious beating.  Suffice to say I have considered throwing in the towel on more than one occasion.

Lately, the journey to have another living child has been less about spirits and more about numbers, finances, lab tests, research and investigations into my apparent immunological issues.  My heart left the equation and it’s been either cerebral and pragmatic or intuition-driven.  Our beloved spirit baby, Azulito (named little blue because that  is the primary colour in which s/he communicates with me), has been quiet and I have not had the courage, will, desire or je-ne-sais-quoi to insist on any direct communication.  As I said, my heart left the equation.  And with it, for a time, did Azulito.

That changed yesterday at my acupuncture appointment.  I had a lot to tell my acupuncturist – I’d made two appointments for the second opinion she encouraged me to consider getting, I learned that the geneticist would not see or help me, I’d finished the course of Prednisone, I’d finally ovulated (a couple of days late and with much breast tenderness – thank you, steroids), our current RE refused to work with a reproductive immunologist and preferred to transfer my care if that was the path I chose – and she ruminated a while then made some observations and suggestions that have resonated deeply with me.  I thought I would share them in case they assist anyone else facing similar circumstances.

First, she commended me on trusting my intuition (my gut, not the panic in my chest) to bite the bullet and commit the LP and I to flying to New York to see Dr. Braverman and not to go ahead with another FET next month during the presumed “immune quiescence” that our current RE said should follow the Prednisone course.  Then she said that I will need to tap into my intuition even more in the coming weeks and months as I receive opinions from specialists (Braverman and current RE among them) who will have their own world views and will offer opinions to which they themselves will by nature be rather heavily committed.

To do that she suggested I must work on developing and trusting my intuition. She recommend I start with a book that has been around forever but contains useful exercises (without which the book is of very limited usefulness – she didn’t say that but I read between the lines).  The book is Practical Intuition by Laura Day, for anyone who is interested.  I have ordered it as it was not available locally.  I will post an update after I have read and done some of the exercises but if anyone has already read it and has any thoughts or insights, I would love to hear them.

With that book I ordered one by Sarah Ballantyne, The Paleo Approach: Reverse Autoimmune Disease and Heal Your Body, thanks to a recommendation I got here on my blog (thank you, whereareyounumber2).   I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it here but a few weeks ago the LP (who ordinarily eats like a 15-year old, sugar, simple carbohydrates and dairy were the mainstay of his entire diet) decided to try the Whole 30 plan, which as best as I can tell is essentially a Paleo approach.  I said I’d join him so I cut out even the non-glutenous grains I was eating and have tried hard to cut out sugars.  I was already off dairy due to the crazy allergic reactions I’ve been having since that miscarriage #3 in 2013 and wasn’t eating much sugar to speak of.  I am interested in the read and some new recipes so I figure it was time to invest in another book!

Back to yesterday’s revelations.  In addition to the sage advice about developing my intuition because I will need it more than ever in coming weeks and months, my acupuncturist suggested that I probably already know from my experiences leading up to the birth of the Miracle Toddler and my parenting since then that our little ones have lessons to teach us and parenting is as much about what we learn from our children as what we teach them.  Sometimes the hurdles in meeting them is about learning lessons we will need to work with those little personalities once they arrive.

Shazam!  That rung true for me and I hastened to recount one early session in which I was communicating with Azulito using the techniques and questions suggested in Spirit Babies: How to Communicate with the Child You’re Meant to Have by Walter Makichen.

During the communication I recounted, I asked Azulito why s/he had chosen us and what we could do to facilitate him/her sticking around to become our next living child.  Azulito showed me a classroom with a teacher writing on a chalkboard (how old school, right? Azulito apparently doesn’t know about smartboards).  The message was clear and a single word resonated in my mind after that communication: Education.  I did not know if the message was that we were to learn from Azulito, that Azulito was to learn from us, that we could provide Azulito with the formal eduction s/he wants, some combination of these possibilities, or some variation that had not yet occurred to me, but of one thing I was certain.  Azulito chose us because of education.

As I was telling this story and my interpretation to my acupuncturist, I saw flashes of that electric blue light with a halo of bright yellow-orange around it that I know to be Azulito.  Yes! Yes!  It was as if Azulito were shouting in my head “It took you long enough!”  This poor spirit baby is waiting around for me to make these connections.  I have been thinking for some time – before the DE FET in May in fact – that I’m missing something, but I do not know what.  When those Azulito-lights flashed behind my eyes, I felt as though the light came on and I could imagine Azulito saying “finally, you are on the right track.”

I am so glad Azulito is back.  And I hope I finally am on the right track this time.  Time will tell.

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29 thoughts on “Hello, Spirit Baby! Long Time No See…

  1. Beautiful post hon. I completely share your belief. It’s so true that our first lost shatters our innocence. That is exactly how I would describe it too. My first loss was the loss of Holdon, and my entire world changed after I lost him. I know this new baby I’m carrying is and will be his own person, but I believe Holdon’s spirit is with him and in him too. I also think it’s significant that his baby is also a boy. I’m so happy you felt Azulito’s presence again. And what a powerful image! Praying you find guidance through your intuition and that your upcoming path leads you to the right answers. For now, rest assured that Azulito isn’t going anywhere, and will be with you in the physical world one day. I just feel it. Hopefully soon! Hugs ❤

    • Johanne, thank you. Your kind words,hope and faith brought tears to my eyes. I would settle for “sometime in the foreseeable future” if “soon” isn’t an option, frankly. You have waited four long years for your little boy to return to you. Like you, I feel that about this baby you are carrying and I think that once baby arrives and is in your arms at home, if you go back and re-read all of your blog entries and your journals over the past years you will see that Holdon has been with you and guiding your faith throughout. Our babies have so much to teach us – most of all patience, it seems! – and I cannot wait for you to start discovering how it all fits together once your little boy is safely with you and Arun. Love and hugs, my friend.

      • Your words have brought tears to my eyes too! I know you are right. Holdon really has been guiding me and teaching me these past 4 years. And it’s so true that patience is the greatest lesson. I’m so thankful he helped me to not give up, and I know Azulito is telling you to not give up either. Much love to you too my friend ❤

  2. Wow. It’s true–souls choose their parents for a reason–to impart knowledge and gain knowledge in each life in order to obtain higher awareness and become closer to God. I felt this to be true, but it was recently confirmed to me when I read “There’s More To Life Than This” by Theresa Caputo. This book changed my life and I want to blog about it, but now seems like a good time to share it with you. And yes, trust your instincts, especially when you are scared (when it is hardest). And yes for me miscarriage claimed my innocence–I said to someone the other day “You can never go back to the first time, everything was fine then and everything has been scary ever since”. XOXO

    • Thank you so much for sharing the book – it looks like something my mother would readily read if she were still here. I will check it out on your recommendation, which I appreciate because the book would not have been only reading list otherwise. Hope you’re doing alright.

      • Yeah it wouldn’t have been on my reading list either–divine intervention. Wisdom comes in many packages and can be imparted through miscarriage and/or Long Islanders with big hair and fake nails. This drove home the point: Don’t judge a book by it’s cover. XO

        • That’s awesome. I love being surprised like this and reminded to be more humble and not judge on appearances. Does she still see people on LI? Maybe I should visit her when I’m there to see Dr. B? 😉

        • You TOTALLY should see her while you’re there! Except I think it takes years to get an appointment. I’m crazy so I would probably just try to “run into” her at the supermarket or something. XOXO

        • Ha ha! Yeah I read on her website the wait was years before the show so now they just keep a wait list. I don’t think I’m up for stalking. Plus I’d be afraid of mistaking another big-haired LIer for he’d and humiliating myself!

  3. I am so happy to see that you have found peace and motivation that you so clearly need.
    I think, based on everything you’ve been saying lately – the treatment of prednison, the decision to see the doc in the US, and now Azulito – you are on the right path for you. I desperately hope it works for you! And, I also believe that following your right path is so important in this bullshit RPL journey, and I am so happy to see that you are on that path. Wishing you the best!

    • Thank you. I really appreciate the wishes and hope. I will be so crushed financially and emotionally if all of this proves to be for nought (meaning it doesn’t work, we still come home empty-handed), but this is the last hurrah so I figure we better make it count.

      • I get this – the last hurrah is so critical. The main reason we have decided to try one more time is exactly that – we need to know we did everything possible. We need to have no regrets. And that is what’s driving us right now.
        I’m still hoping you get a little baby, but if not, just like us, you will know in your heart you tried everything, and that has to count for something.
        And, on a side note, I saw my immunologist today – and thought of you while I was asking hundreds of questions. I learned a lot! I plan to write a post on it since I think others may also benefit from it, but I really think this is such an important component of RPL to research.

        • Thank you. I’m looking forward to your post and dying of envy you have an immunologist to see! Next appt with my doc I am asking if she can refer me to someone in another city where the wait may be shorter. This is crazy.

        • The wait time is crazy that’s for sure. I think I mentioned that I got lucky about 5 years ago and my referral happened at the same time he opened his practice. He said the average wait time for non emergent cases is 2 years. Totally crazy!!

        • What constitutes emergent? I’m prepared to undergo anaphylaxis if necessary. Heck, with IgE levels nearing 1000 I am a prime candidate for an anaphylactic reaction at any given moment. I am so not joking it’s hard not to add the f-bomb in here, it’s do exasperating.

        • Mine was a sever allergic reaction that resulted in a mild asthma attack, but I’m still pretty confident that I only got in because of the new practice that opened.
          Wish I had a better suggestion, but next to putting yourself into an anaphylaxis reaction, I have no real good ideas. But, I do suggest that if you are going to do it, maybe do it while parked at the ER – it’s probably a good idea to be close to medical care.

        • Ha ha! Yeah, I actually had an anaphylactic reaction earlier this year to snow mould (which I’m allergic to but in the form of itchy eyes, slight asthmatic response, mild sore throat). If only I’d called 911 then instead of downing almost an entire bottle of my toddler’s benadryl…

  4. I am so HAPPY that your baby has decided to show themselves again. What a beautiful moment. I’ve found the whole process has clouded my intuition at time and made it less heart-centred. Since realizing that this spring I’ve tried my best to get back to that place of love and light. I have a few other intuition books at home. I’ll check out their titles tonight and send you an email.

    • I’m really happy Azulito made a return, too. You’re right – the process, the stress/anxiety and the drugs (even the prednisone I just finished) cloud my intuition too. I cannot say I’ve tried to get back to that place and if I’m honest about it I believe it’s because I feel a little ripped off by my intuition, which was really telling me that our last FET/pregnancy was going to work. When it didn’t, I felt really lost myself but also a little misled (even though my intuition had also been the first place my concern about immune issues arose and there were plenty of “you’re missing something” moments during the lead-up to that FET that I could not figure out so I just hoped for the best despite the warnings. I need to reconnect with this part of me and I think my acupuncturist/TCM Dr. is right – I will need my intuition and gut feeling more than ever as I go down this next leg of our journey. I’m sure you feel similarly as you head toward IVF – you need to be able to trust yourself and the messages your body and Spirit send you.

      About the book titles – that would be awesome, thank you so much!

      • Trying to conceive is the thing that makes me doubt my intuition the most. Plus when cost, time and emotion are so heavily involved are we even really willing to listen? I don’t have the answers yet but this is something I plan on exploring over the next few weeks.

        • That is a very astute observation. I find it *very difficult* to listen or follow my gut when the stakes are so high. I think that’s at the heart my acupuncturist’s advice.

        • That’s true. Intuition has me convinced that a spirit baby has chosen us and that we are destined to be a family with this child but maybe intuition misled me in thinking that would happen in this lifetime. I do feel you will have your children but you’re right, when is the unknown.

  5. “Sometimes the hurdles in meeting them is about learning lessons we will need to work with those little personalities once they arrive.”
    That really resonated for me. If I hadn’t gone through what I did in order to conceive my daughter I wouldn’t have been able to be strong for her and my husband when she had surgery and a long NICU stay. The birth experience alone… The person I was before infertility wouldn’t have handled any of that very well. I picture her waiting in the wings till I learned what I needed to so I could be ready for her.

    • C, thank you so much for sharing this. It brought tears to my eyes and a tightness in my chest. That is so insightful and your reflection has been very helpful to me as I muddle through all of this.

      • So glad I could help! It’s one of those things that when you’re in the middle of it nothing makes sense, but once you get some distance it’s like reading your own story. I think you have to let Azulito take your hand and lead you. x

        • Thank you. That is the best advice anyone could give. I thought I had been doing that. All if this must be happening to teach me something and I wonder if Azulito knows what that something is or is fumbling along trying to find the way too?

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