I started this blog after our third miscarriage in 2013. That was my 6th pregnancy (5th loss). Sometime between pregnancies 4 and 6 I started reading about spirit babies and the idea that when we lose a pregnancy, the soul or spirit of the lost baby does not “die” with the fetal tissue. I was quite enamoured with this idea and still like thinking that our Miracle Toddler is the repository of the first soul we ever loved in 2010 and lost in early 2011.
The LP and I have chosen to believe that the soul of our first baby together (my first pregnancy) is alive and well in the Miracle Toddler. This brings me great comfort, as my first loss was for a long time the hardest one for me to accept and survive. I suspect that’s true for many women who suffer as I do from recurrent pregnancy loss. The first one shatters our innocence, even if we knew the risks of miscarriage going into the pregnancy.
All of this is a meandering way of saying that I started and named this blog with my belief in spirit babies firmly in place and my hope that IVF would bring our spirit baby/ies home alive and kicking. Along the way, with three more miscarriages under my belt (so to speak), my hope and faith have taken a serious beating. Suffice to say I have considered throwing in the towel on more than one occasion.
Lately, the journey to have another living child has been less about spirits and more about numbers, finances, lab tests, research and investigations into my apparent immunological issues. My heart left the equation and it’s been either cerebral and pragmatic or intuition-driven. Our beloved spirit baby, Azulito (named little blue because that is the primary colour in which s/he communicates with me), has been quiet and I have not had the courage, will, desire or je-ne-sais-quoi to insist on any direct communication. As I said, my heart left the equation. And with it, for a time, did Azulito.
That changed yesterday at my acupuncture appointment. I had a lot to tell my acupuncturist – I’d made two appointments for the second opinion she encouraged me to consider getting, I learned that the geneticist would not see or help me, I’d finished the course of Prednisone, I’d finally ovulated (a couple of days late and with much breast tenderness – thank you, steroids), our current RE refused to work with a reproductive immunologist and preferred to transfer my care if that was the path I chose – and she ruminated a while then made some observations and suggestions that have resonated deeply with me. I thought I would share them in case they assist anyone else facing similar circumstances.
First, she commended me on trusting my intuition (my gut, not the panic in my chest) to bite the bullet and commit the LP and I to flying to New York to see Dr. Braverman and not to go ahead with another FET next month during the presumed “immune quiescence” that our current RE said should follow the Prednisone course. Then she said that I will need to tap into my intuition even more in the coming weeks and months as I receive opinions from specialists (Braverman and current RE among them) who will have their own world views and will offer opinions to which they themselves will by nature be rather heavily committed.
To do that she suggested I must work on developing and trusting my intuition. She recommend I start with a book that has been around forever but contains useful exercises (without which the book is of very limited usefulness – she didn’t say that but I read between the lines). The book is Practical Intuition by Laura Day, for anyone who is interested. I have ordered it as it was not available locally. I will post an update after I have read and done some of the exercises but if anyone has already read it and has any thoughts or insights, I would love to hear them.
With that book I ordered one by Sarah Ballantyne, The Paleo Approach: Reverse Autoimmune Disease and Heal Your Body, thanks to a recommendation I got here on my blog (thank you, whereareyounumber2). I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it here but a few weeks ago the LP (who ordinarily eats like a 15-year old, sugar, simple carbohydrates and dairy were the mainstay of his entire diet) decided to try the Whole 30 plan, which as best as I can tell is essentially a Paleo approach. I said I’d join him so I cut out even the non-glutenous grains I was eating and have tried hard to cut out sugars. I was already off dairy due to the crazy allergic reactions I’ve been having since that miscarriage #3 in 2013 and wasn’t eating much sugar to speak of. I am interested in the read and some new recipes so I figure it was time to invest in another book!
Back to yesterday’s revelations. In addition to the sage advice about developing my intuition because I will need it more than ever in coming weeks and months, my acupuncturist suggested that I probably already know from my experiences leading up to the birth of the Miracle Toddler and my parenting since then that our little ones have lessons to teach us and parenting is as much about what we learn from our children as what we teach them. Sometimes the hurdles in meeting them is about learning lessons we will need to work with those little personalities once they arrive.
Shazam! That rung true for me and I hastened to recount one early session in which I was communicating with Azulito using the techniques and questions suggested in Spirit Babies: How to Communicate with the Child You’re Meant to Have by Walter Makichen.
During the communication I recounted, I asked Azulito why s/he had chosen us and what we could do to facilitate him/her sticking around to become our next living child. Azulito showed me a classroom with a teacher writing on a chalkboard (how old school, right? Azulito apparently doesn’t know about smartboards). The message was clear and a single word resonated in my mind after that communication: Education. I did not know if the message was that we were to learn from Azulito, that Azulito was to learn from us, that we could provide Azulito with the formal eduction s/he wants, some combination of these possibilities, or some variation that had not yet occurred to me, but of one thing I was certain. Azulito chose us because of education.
As I was telling this story and my interpretation to my acupuncturist, I saw flashes of that electric blue light with a halo of bright yellow-orange around it that I know to be Azulito. Yes! Yes! It was as if Azulito were shouting in my head “It took you long enough!” This poor spirit baby is waiting around for me to make these connections. I have been thinking for some time – before the DE FET in May in fact – that I’m missing something, but I do not know what. When those Azulito-lights flashed behind my eyes, I felt as though the light came on and I could imagine Azulito saying “finally, you are on the right track.”
I am so glad Azulito is back. And I hope I finally am on the right track this time. Time will tell.