First, I wish to extend a warmly heartfelt thank you to each of you who shared your views in response to my last post. My gratitude runs deep and wide and I hope you’re soaking in it or soaking it in, as you wish.
Second, I wanted to let you know that I am feeling better for having given voice to the darkness and named the place in which I am.
I told my TCM/acupuncturist yesterday how I had been feeling. She said she would be gearing a portion of my treatment to taking my nervous system “down a notch” and lightening my spirit. It seems to have worked. I feel less fatalistic today and more flat. I will readily take flat over where I have been the last few weeks.
I do not feel better about the prospects of giving up and going home, broke (translation: signficantly in debt) and empty-handed for our efforts of 2013 and 2014 to have one more living child. I feel miserable about that. However, I am more at peace with the prospect of that being a real possibility and a starting place to say goodbye to this tortuous journey once and for all. And I am ready to say enough to it all if that is the option that makes the most sense.
I am a little less ready to be excited about any prospect of continuing to try to have another living child and the risks associated with doing so. That is not to say I am not willing to give this gig one last hurrah should there be any reasonable possibility of success.
Of course, I am having a hard time imagining myself being filled with the lightness, innocence and enthusiasm that accompanied my last DE FET. I may need professional help to even get myself off the ground (I’m thinking hypnotherapy at the moment but we’ll see). I will not be full of faith that it will work, of that I am fairly confident. This is (or perhaps I am?) a casualty of past experience. So it goes.
I have also decided (with your help – thank you again) that I will contact the lab that did our immunological testing (Reprosource) on Monday to ask them to tell me if they have already sent over our results to Dr. Braverman’s office or, if not, that they let me know once that happens so I can start pestering Dr. B and his staff about (a) getting a copy; and (b) scheduling a follow-up consult to discuss Dr. B’s impressions and any protocol design he comes up with if the results yield something beyond “inconclusive” or “normal” (as all of my tests to date have done).
Animal Spirit Guides
I have always thought of myself as inclined toward the tangible, literal and concrete notwithstanding my affiliation with and affinity for the arts. At work, I’m all business for the most part. Heck, I work in one of the most conservative professions around and up to this point where I practice it remains one of only three self-governing professions, which means we are a rather uptight bunch who are expected to police ourselves and our colleagues (don’t get me started on that, I could create a hundred posts on a different blog about the implications and complications of self-governance and the move to police peers while recognizing me and my peers are members of a profession with inordinately high rates of stress, addiction and other mental illnesses).
I believe in and do my best to practice attachment parenting not because I’m a crunchy granola mama but because at a pragmatic level it simply makes sense to me and at an experiential level it is what floats my boat and helps me believe I am not recreating the parts of my childhood I do not want reproduced in my own child’s (I do not dare say children’s) life.
All of that to say that I have staked out territory for myself as someone very grounded in a present reality and not prone to flights of fancy or aspirations to engage the supernatural. To be honest, I do not even know what “the supernatural” means. I do consider myself spiritual although I am not a card-carrying member of any religious organization or congregation.
Yet, I named this blog “spirit baby come home”. Since before I started this blog I have been attempting to communicate with spirits or something that I do not fully understand and cannot explain well in words (or in any other medium, really). And one day along this journey that began at the start of 2013 (when the Miracle Toddler was about to complete his first year of life outside my womb), I began seeing animals and considering the messages that my sighting of them were meant to convey. Along the way, I bought a deck of Animal Spirit Guide cards by Steven Farmer, PhD.
This week, I saw a number of animals alone or in groups. Their sightings left me wondering what was happening, what messages the spirit world or my intuition were attempting to communicate to me. Yesterday I was struck by a sentence in the Practical Intuition workbook by Laura Day that my TCM doc prescribed me to read which suggested that we notice the things we do in our visual world for a reason (I would imagine the same principle applies to the auditory and other sensory world for individuals who are not sighted or have very limited vision). In short, Day suggests that our intuition is sending us messages all the time by choosing what we notice and what we do not.
I cannot help but believe that there is some truth to this. There is a reason (even if a contrived one to which I may have unconsciously or subconsciously willed my mind to be alive) I have noticed a flock of eight magpies (which I subsequently read to signify “a wish”) and every hare that has appeared around town (which I have always taken to represent fertility) this past week.
Just as it did when the LP and I were in the taxi to La Guardia after our trip to New York to meet Dr. Braverman (which you can read more about here if you wish and have not already done so), my intuition or something is trying to send me a very important message. And I am not ashamed to admit that I may be too stubborn, too broken or too pessimistic to listen or want to hear it these days.
Such are the musings of my messy mind of late.
I can only hope that the messages are for real, that the dream I’ve for all intents and purposes very nearly abandoned comes true. I can only hope that I am proven wrong in believing we will never get what we have worked so hard, incurred so much debt, and lost so much sleep and health and wellness to have.
Except for now I cannot hold onto that hope. Right here and right now I am at war with hope. She has betrayed me one time too many and I do not know that I will ever trust her again.
And so, my dear friends, it goes.