I spent portions of the past few days trying to educate myself about human leukocyte antigens (HLAs) and anti-HLA antibodies (of which I have one related to the DQ8 HLA). I am being charitable when I say it has been painful.
This morning I woke up from a dream in which I was having a very grave and ultimately tearful meeting with a doctor who in my dream was Dr. Jeffrey Braverman notwithstanding the fact that although his voice was perfect, his physical appearance was much altered by my subconscious. Funny the things our minds can accomplish when they set themselves to it. I digress.
Panic and dread set in after waking from the moment in my dream when Dr. Braverman (albeit a less hairy, more straight-haired, leaner and clean-shaven version of himself) said that I would be wise to resign myself to the fact that October 21st was not going to bring me the outcome I wanted. He said there was really no hope of me carrying another child, essentially, suggesting my immune system would not permit it.
By way of context, I understood in the dream that October 21st was my transfer date for one of our last two remaining frozen embryos. Why October 21st? Ask my subconscious. I have no idea.
Suffice to say I was floored and gutted. Or gutted on the floor. Whichever, I woke up shaken and upset. I still am (shaken and upset). The worst part is that I do not know whether this is my intuition talking or a combination of way too much home research, disrupted sleep, generalized anxiety and an overall shortage of sleep lately (by lately I mean about the last 14 years of my life).
Panic and dread struck a second time this morning as I reviewed the contract for transporting frozen embryos from one side of the continent to the other, specifically into New York state with its strict health department rules. Among the lines that leapt out at me was one that read “Additional testing and quarantine may be required if donor eggs were used in creating the embryos.” What additional testing? What exactly do they mean by quarantine?
Jiminy Crickets! Can this be any more complicated, overwhelming, stressful, and exhausting? Don’t answer that unless you are prefacing it with an offer of barbiturates. I need a serious tranquilizer at this point.
I have e-mailed Biogenetics with these questions and “What if the donor’s infectious disease testing was done more than 30 days before our embryos were frozen and the clinic can’t find her for me to pay (out of freaking pocket, I might add) for her to get the testing done again now?” Or words to that effect. Because that is another one of the requirements, of course. Biogenetics’ informed me when I asked last week about timing that test results for infectious diseases (syphilis, the various alphabetical variations of hepatitis, HIV, HTLV and so on) must be dated after the embryos were frozen or not more than 30 days before they were frozen (we’re okay on this front for the LP and I except we may be missing one set of HIV-related tests, I’ve also asked for clarification on that front from Biogenetics).
I had to email the RE at our second clinic (with the embryos) to ask him to send me a copy of one of the LP’s test results because of course it was not included in the records I got in dribs and drabs after seven requests in July. I wonder what else is not among the records I got by pulling teeth.
I burst into tears for a moment, feeling completely overwrought this morning after sending all of those e-mails and recalling my dream.
I consoled myself (not really) by e-mailing Dr. Braverman to ask if there was any chance we’d be able to consult with him this week about our test results or if that would likely happen in early September. So far I have had no response. I think I will go throw up from anxiety now.
I sure hope you all are having a better Monday morning than I am!