I have been suffering from bouts of raging anxiety since reality came home to roost. The plan is to start our next FET (frozen embryo transfer) cycle later this week.
My heart is set on a protocol that excludes oral contraceptives and Lupron because both bring on negative side effects that leave me thinking my body is shouting “stop giving me that stuff!” Not knowing what day this week will be cycle day one (i.e., not knowing on which day I will see red) is a source of anxiety, as are some of the existing commitments in my work calendar. Combined, they have me concerned about whether I can make the timing of some of my monitoring appointments work.
If I am honest with myself, the deeper fear is the one about this (the entire shebang) not working. It is about neither of our last two embryos surviving the thaw. It is about me not getting pregnant and me getting pregnant and losing that baby, too.
I want pregnancy number 10 to be different. I want there to be a pregnancy number 10. I am afraid that I am asking God and the Universe for the impossible. And, objectively speaking, in some ways it looks to me as though I am.
I have never been more scared to fail. I have never been more scared of another miscarriage, not because it will mean another lost baby but because it may foreshadow the ending to this journey that I have never wanted to face.
This is the most terrified I can remember being about anything. It is not a just-woke-from-a-nightmare type fear. This fear is much deeper, much darker, more insidious and has a steadfast grip. This fear is in in my bones and in my belly. It is in every breath, every lump in my throat, every beat of my heart.
This fear is real.
I have an appointment with my hypnotherapist this evening. I am going to need it to help me explore and address this fear before it eats me alive.
I also see my family doctor this morning. I have already started taking Claritin on Dr. Braverman’s instructions. I’m hoping that my family doctor will prescribe Intralipids for me so that I can start the first of my weekly IV treatments as soon as possible and that she will give me requisitions for all of the ultrasound and blood tests for my remote monitoring appointments.
I have fear about this, too. If she says no, I will not be cycling in the coming month. I just cannot see how I could make that work and I cannot afford to live in NYC for 3 weeks and be away from work all that time (which is what would be required). Or at least I cannot imagine doing that right now. Of course if I have to, we will make this work somehow. I could ask my doctor for a medical leave from work. Anything is possible if I have to make it happen. But for once, it sure would be nice if things went my way on a few things.
On the topic of fear, I drew an Animal Spirit Guide card last that truly spoke to me. When I tried to look up a link to complete this post this morning, I found this one and drew *the same card*. I got chills.
Meet the Falcon:
As you can see, the Falcon is telling me to act on the opportunity that is at hand and commit to it without equivocation. As is likely true for so many of us RPL and IF sufferers, equivocating is something I do well especially about important issues over which I feel conflicted or fearful. Interestingly, my question before drawing the Falcon was whether I am making the right choice in wishing to pursue the FET/reproductive immunological protocol I’ve selected and starting it in a few short days. Falcon has spoken and she has told me to stop equivocating.
I saw a falcon (I first thought it was a hawk but then realized it looked more like a falcon) yesterday when I was out with my niece. We talked about falcons we have seen recently. How serendipitous.
The Falcon, according to Dr. Steven D. Farmer, tells me that:
- “Providence is on [my] side, and the opportunity that has been presented to [me] is congruent with [my] soul’s purpose. Even if [I] don’t feel fully prepared or have doubts in [my] ability to manage the complexities that are inherent in tackling this venture, [I must] dive in anyway. [I]’ll be pleasantly surprised by the support that will come to [me] in unexpected ways. All it takes is the willingness on [my] part to continue on a steady course wholeheartedly, while at the same time being open to changes in the direction that the winds are blowing.”
- “It’s very important to stay focused on the goal that’s ahead of [me], while also remaining mindful of the purpose of your mission. Commit to your mission 100 percent, and fulfill that commitment to the best of your ability.” [Is this starting to sound like a Tom Cruise movie?]
- “This isn’t a time for analysis, introspection, or retreat, but a time for action. As [I] respond to the opportunity that’s before [me], I [must] be willing to adjust [my] course of action as the need dictates, while at the same time moving steadily toward [my] goal. [I] can deal with whatever concerns come up without being distracted by them and without straying from the path [I am] on.”
Wow. Thank you, Falcon. Please keep talking to me, Falcon. I needed your advice and the reminder to carpe this diem, commit to my decision completely, stay the course, shift with the winds as necessary and – above all – not to equivocate.
And on that note, the final countdown begins. I hope today’s doctor and hypnotherapy appointments bring assistance and tools to address the medical and spiritual/psychological/emotional aspects of my “mission”.
I am ready. (I don’t feel ready but I am committing to this 100%. It is mind over matter time, folks!) Hear me fake a roar. Roar!
*Non-sequitur alert* I am reminded of Alex the Lion in the Madagascar movies. (Mental note to self: Re-watch those movies during the two-week-wait. They always make you laugh.)
Wishing all of you – and me – luck and other good things in the coming weeks.