Keep Talking, Falcon

I have been suffering from bouts of raging anxiety since reality came home to roost.  The plan is to start our next FET (frozen embryo transfer) cycle later this week.

My heart is set on a protocol that excludes oral contraceptives and Lupron because both bring on negative side effects that leave me thinking my body is shouting “stop giving me that stuff!”  Not knowing what day this week will be cycle day one (i.e., not knowing on which day I will see red) is a source of anxiety, as are some of the existing commitments in my work calendar.  Combined, they have me concerned about whether I can make the timing of some of my monitoring appointments work.

If I am honest with myself, the deeper fear is the one about this (the entire shebang) not working.  It is about neither of our last two embryos surviving the thaw.  It is about me not getting pregnant and me getting pregnant and losing that baby, too.

I want pregnancy number 10 to be different. I want there to be a pregnancy number 10.  I am afraid that I am asking God and the Universe for the impossible.  And, objectively speaking, in some ways it looks to me as though I am.

I have never been more scared to fail.  I have never been more scared of another miscarriage, not because it will mean another lost baby but because it may foreshadow the ending to this journey that I have never wanted to face.

This is the most terrified I can remember being about anything. It is not a just-woke-from-a-nightmare type fear.  This fear is much deeper, much darker, more insidious and has a steadfast grip.  This fear is in in my bones and in my belly.  It is in every breath, every lump in my throat, every beat of my heart.

This fear is real.

I have an appointment with my hypnotherapist this evening.  I am going to need it to help me explore and address this fear before it eats me alive.

I also see my family doctor this morning.  I have already started taking Claritin on Dr. Braverman’s instructions.  I’m hoping that my family doctor will prescribe Intralipids for me so that I can start the first of my weekly IV treatments as soon as possible and that she will give me requisitions for all of the ultrasound and blood tests for my remote monitoring appointments.

I have fear about this, too.  If she says no, I will not be cycling in the coming month.  I just cannot see how I could make that work and I cannot afford to live in NYC for 3 weeks and be away from work all that time (which is what would be required).  Or at least I cannot imagine doing that right now.  Of course if I have to, we will make this work somehow.  I could ask my doctor for a medical leave from work.  Anything is possible if I have to make it happen.  But for once, it sure would be nice if things went my way on a few things.

On the topic of fear, I drew an Animal Spirit Guide card last that truly spoke to me.  When I tried to look  up a link to complete this post this morning, I found this one and drew *the same card*.  I got chills.

Meet the Falcon:


As you can see, the Falcon is telling me to act on the opportunity that is at hand and commit to it without equivocation.  As is likely true for so many of us RPL and IF sufferers, equivocating is something I do well especially about important issues over which I feel conflicted or fearful.  Interestingly, my question before drawing the Falcon was whether I am making the right choice in wishing to pursue the FET/reproductive immunological protocol I’ve selected and starting it  in a few short days.  Falcon has spoken and she has told me to stop equivocating.

I saw a falcon (I first thought it was a hawk but then realized it looked more like a falcon) yesterday when I was out with my niece.  We talked about falcons we have seen recently.  How serendipitous.

The Falcon, according to Dr. Steven D. Farmer, tells me that:

  • “Providence is on [my] side, and the opportunity that has been presented to [me] is congruent with [my] soul’s purpose.  Even if [I] don’t feel fully prepared or have doubts in [my] ability to manage the complexities that are inherent in tackling this venture, [I must] dive in anyway.  [I]’ll be pleasantly surprised by the support that will come to [me] in unexpected ways.  All it takes is the willingness on [my] part to continue on a steady course wholeheartedly, while at the same time being open to changes in the direction that the winds are blowing.”
  • “It’s very important to stay focused on the goal that’s ahead of [me], while also remaining mindful of the purpose of your mission.  Commit to your mission 100 percent, and fulfill that commitment to the best of your ability.” [Is this starting to sound like a Tom Cruise movie?]
  • “This isn’t a time for analysis, introspection, or retreat, but a time for action. As [I] respond to the opportunity that’s before [me], I [must] be willing to adjust [my] course of action as the need dictates, while at the same time moving steadily toward [my] goal.  [I] can deal with whatever concerns come up without being distracted by them and without straying from the path [I am] on.”

Wow.  Thank you, Falcon.  Please keep talking to me, Falcon.  I needed your advice and the reminder to carpe this diem, commit to my decision completely, stay the course, shift with the winds as necessary and – above all – not to equivocate.

And on that note, the final countdown begins.  I hope today’s doctor and hypnotherapy appointments bring assistance and tools to address the medical and spiritual/psychological/emotional aspects of my “mission”.

I am ready.  (I don’t feel ready but I am committing to this 100%. It is mind over matter time, folks!)  Hear me fake a roar.  Roar!

*Non-sequitur alert* I am reminded of Alex the Lion in the Madagascar movies.  (Mental note to self: Re-watch those movies during the two-week-wait.  They always make you laugh.)

Wishing all of you – and me – luck and other good things in the coming weeks.


28 thoughts on “Keep Talking, Falcon

  1. Whooooaa, that falcon thing is trippy! I love that you drew that card. I hope its message brings you peace as you begin this next chapter. I’ll be sending good vibes that your doctor’s appointment goes well tomorrow, and that every other step along the way goes smoothly for you as well. I know we don’t know each other, like, at all, but I really do have a good feeling about this frozen embryo transfer! And P.S. I just clicked on your link above and drew my own spirit card. I got the emu, who’s message was, “This is a good time to go on a new adventure.” I love that I got that card right as I begin IVF. I shall hereafter think of IVF as an adventure!

    • Wow! That is awesome about the card you drew. Thank you for sharing that as well because I didn’t think about the link working that way. Cool!

      Thank you for the peaceful wishes. Things went anything but smoothly yesterday but that’s alright. There is a Plan b for the moment and I will persevere with Plan C if needed. More on that in a future post. Of course nothing comes easy!

  2. I am so deeply moved by your strength and determination, sincerely,… I am so drawn in by your visceral desire for your baby and the incredible efforts you make to respect, to honor this profound and heart-wrenching aspiration… maybe its the eloquence with which you write, the poignancy of your prose, and, believe me, I know we are many out here suffering and aching for our babies, but you, my dear, convey an emotion and a longing and a certain resove which is so striking, which so truly compels me to hope, to pray, to worry, to believe… I think we are many, even in our silence, who read, who follow, with genuine investment in you and in your outcome… I guess I just felt like telling you that I care, that I’m scared too, but I am here and hoping, really really hoping for your beautiful ending…

    • I cannot find words to express the bloom of emotions I have felt reading and re-reading your kind and beautiful words. You have brought tears to my eyes each time I read those words. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

  3. Alright, I’ve been staring at this post for what feels like ever now, trying to figure out what to say. I’m not sure why, but I have a lot in my mind after reading this.
    First, your comment about fear really got to me – your fear about not having a tenth pregnancy. The funny thing for me right now, is that I have a fear of not having a 6th pregnancy (what if we now cannot get pregnant, etc.) all the irrational thoughts that are running through my head. But, my bigger fear is actually having a 6th pregnancy – not just the fear about this cycle with all the progesterone and stress issues in the last week, but my fear of trying again and losing it. And if I look harder at it, my fear is that I feel like I’ve just had enough of this, and I’m afraid that part of me is ready to get of the RPL train and walk away – yet, I know, I absolutely know I will regret that decision in the future so there is no way I’m about to walk away. I am not one to walk away, I stand up in the face of a challenge and take it on head first. So, for me to recognize that there is a part of me that actually wants to be done with this is almost shaking me to the very core of my being. And, if by recognizing this, does it mean that my heart isn’t in it, and what does that mean for our next attempt? As you said, the fear(s) is real.
    And, I love the Falcon – just love it! I think it’s exactly what you need right now – encouragement to continue on to see this through until the end! I so hope your family doctor is cooperative!!
    I’ll be thinking of you and am wishing you the absolute best as you ready yourself (physically and emotionally) for the FET cycle.

    • I could have written the part about you wanting to pack it in. Not today. But a few weeks ago. I know that place and it is okay to go there. And it will be okay to stay there if either of us realizes it is where we belong at some point.

      I agree about the Falcon. She has impeccable timing and I am so grateful I was open enough to hear the much-needed advice she had to offer. Thank you for your support and kind wishes.

  4. We all are afraid of taking the next step and sometimes the body might be ready but the head is not. Then, when is the best time to do this? Maybe this is as good as another other time? Only you would know. Listen to your body speaking to you and I know you will have the strength. I am rooting for you!

    • Thank you, Jasmine. I always appreciate the sincerity with which you write and share your thoughts. You are right – there may never be a perfect time and we must trust what our bodies know about timing. Finally, I am so glad you are rooting for me – thank you!!

  5. I just love that you drew that card – twice! Very powerful sign! I know the timing of everything is stressful, but I think you made the right choice for you hon. Praying your body cooperates and AF arrives at the right time. Everything is crossed for you!

  6. The fear! I’m gripped with it so often I almost forgot what it’s like to have hope and optimism! Kudos to the falcon who has given you hope and has also given me a new perspective…one that doesn’t reside completely in cynicism. Wishing you luck, strength, and above all…success.

    • Thank you, my friend. I am echoing that wish for you as you are on this journey a few steps ahead of me. I am thinking of you as we move forward.

      What will happen to the sharp tongued appeal of your blog if you shed your cynicism? I hope you don’t lose the edge even when (not if) you get your wish. πŸ˜‰

  7. Hoping you find success this time around! Having stared down the barrel of my last treatment cycle, I know the fear you are feeling. Our last cycle failed. I grieved deeply, but I got to the other side. I know the prospect of failure this time is terrifying. If it fails, although it will not seem like it, you will get through and there is another side. I hope that you have a positive outcome. I just wanted to offer you hope from the otherside!

    • Thank you, thank you. Hypnotherapy helped. I think I was chatting with my spirit baby. That’s the last thing I remember before she said I went “very deep”. I have felt so peaceful since the session.

      Shifting the spotlight, I’ve been sending healing and compassionate energy your way.

    • Thank you, that prayers means so very much to me and is exactly what we need. I am thinking of you as I have been and will be in the coming weeks, too. May all go as we all long for it to go with this much loved and longed for little human.

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