A Letter to our Spirit Baby

Dear Azulito,

I have been thinking about you so often lately. I know you are thinking about me, too, because I have felt you very close to me recently.

I wonder if you know when you are on my mind? I wonder what you are up to these days? I wonder if you will come home to us in this lifetime? I wonder if you know the answer to that question?

I wonder if you are waiting for me to get some part of life and being your mother right before you make your grand entrance? I wonder if you are scared, as I am?

I believe that you must know how fiercely, eternally and unconditionally you are loved, how achingly your physical presence is missed and how incredibly much you are wanted. If your confidence in any of these waivers – ever – please re-read this letter.

In reading these words, please know that there is a bottomless sea of love, a flood of affections, a miraculous older brother, an amazing, funny and loving father, a rather fun but occasionally cranky terrier and me, your devoted mother, waiting for you. We love, want and need you more than these or any words could ever fully express.

You are loved. You are wanted. You are needed. We are all waiting for you, beloved Azulito.

Speaking for myself I cannot say the wait has been a patient one. As you may have observed, I am known for my tenacity, my perseverance, my ferocity (in love and in war). I am not known for my patience.

I believe you have so much to teach me and our little family. I know this because you have already taught me and your father so much.

You have taught me to love with an open heart in the face of uncertainty.

You have taught me to hope when the days are as dark as the night and the future seems desperately uncertain.

You have taught me to heal my tattered, weeping heart. Time and time again, you have brought this lesson home to me.

You have taught me to listen to my body and myself.

You have taught me that exercising patience does not of itself guarantee success.

You have taught me that success when it comes to creating and sustaining life is never guaranteed.

You have taught me to dig deep and find the courage to move forward when surrounded by armies of fear’s soldiers.

You have taught me to believe in you. And you have taught me – are teaching me – to believe in me. No matter what happens.

You have taught me to trust my instinct and not take the easy (or the less costly) road or play ostrich. In doing so you have taught me the inherent worth of having meaningful answers when others insist that none exist.

You have taught me to hold fear’s hand and to charm fear’s cobra.

You have taught me to act bravely against all odds. In other words, you have taught me to fake it when I cannot make it.

You have taught me to give to others what I wish I could have received earlier in life myself and what I am so fortunate to be receiving from others now, too.

You have taught me the inimitable power of connection.

You have taught me – are teaching me – to pay heed to and trust my perceptions.

You have taught me not only to feel compassion but to show compassion to others who are hurting as I have hurt in losing my physical connection with you over and over again.

You have taught me that faith is precious and that a faithless life is a hollow one that reverberates its vacuous loneliness in perpetuity.

You have taught me that the frequency with which bad things happen to good people is no measure of their entitlement to good things, including miracles.

You have taught me to believe in miracles.

You have taught me that miracles do happen. I would never have appreciated this as intimately as I do now if you had not taught me all of the lessons I have recited above and below this one.

You have taught me that there is no quota on miracles in a person’s lifetime and that for this reason it is okay to ask for more than one to enter a given life.

You have taught me – and you see the need to keep teaching me – how important it is for me to love and take care of myself. I am a work in progress in this area. Thank you for bearing with me.

You have taught me that hard work does not always mean we accomplish our goals.

You have taught me that I am not in charge. You have taught me that there is deep wisdom in accepting this fact.

You have taught me that when we finally are reunited for a healthy pregnancy and a live birth, I will have learned many of the skills and acquired some of the wisdom that your father and I will need to nurture and support you.

I feel the warmth of your love every time you flash your blue/purple and yellow lights behind my eyes, around my head as I try to communicate with you and sometimes when I am not yet aware of your presence. I love it when you surprise me by showing up unexpectedly. I love it when you come after I call out to you.

Although I do not know when we will be reunited for the ultimate time, I trust that we are meant to be together. I know that you will come to me in time. As much as I hope that time is soon, my love for you does not flag and will never waiver no matter how long I wait to hold your hands in mine.

I sometimes worry that you may think I have my heart set on you showing up as a boy. I have been fearful sometimes that you may feel less welcomed into our family and in particular my life if your destiny is to arrive as a girl. I have done considerable soul-searching about this in the past year and I can say with confidence that I will be delighted to be your mother whether you are girl, boy, tomboy, girly boy, hermaphrodite, or destined to be transgendered.

I love you, Azulito. I love you as you *are*, whatever that may bring.

Please come home, little one.


20 thoughts on “A Letter to our Spirit Baby

    • Thank you. I cried heaps writing it as well. On the first leg of my air travels no less. I cried again reading it later. My heart aches with this longing. I really hope this cycle goes ahead now and that it brings out happy ending.

      How are you feeling?

      • I really hope so too! Sending you lots of prayers! I want this so bad for you too!

        I’m doing okay. Been really busy with work and trying to get some things done in the baby room before my mom and MIL and SIL come out in the next couple weeks, so been pretty tired lately, but feeling okay. The main reason for the rush is my SIL is bringing her 5 month old so I really want to get the crib set up so he can use it while they’re here.

        Overall, I’m feeling pretty good, but I still have that weird pain in my upper abdomen, so I will be getting my blood work checked again at my next appointment on Monday just to be safe. It’s not constant and is most noticeable when I bend over or put pressure on the area, so I still feel that it is more muscle related then anything more serious, but better to doublecheck just in case. Our little guy has been moving around a lot which gives me reassurance that he’s okay 🙂

        Everything is crossed for you hon. can’t wait for your next update!

        • Thank you. Will update tomorrow. Today went well. See my comment to MPB a moment ago. 🙂

          On to you. I used to get excruciating trapped intestinal gas pains with my MT’s pregnancy. Once or twice it had me in tears. Acupuncture helped a bit (she tried to stimulate digestion). Any chance it could be that? Or is it high like reflux? I got that too as we have discussed.

          On another note I’ve been thinking about what you said about the care you might have had back home with Holdon’s pregnancy and I think you may be right. You could have been in much graver danger. This just makes me that much more grateful you have all of the great care you do now. Enjoy the family visits!!

        • So glad everything is on track and AF is on her way, albeit slowly! Hope she shows up for real today!

          It’s definitely not digestion. I have that completely under control now and it’s not heartburn either. I’m starting to learn the difference because I’ve had heartburn and this weird pain at the same time now and so I can differentiate between the two. Also, now that I’ve gotten my constipation issue under control, the heartburn has pretty much gone away too. It’s much more isolated then that, almost like a bruise, but there’s no bruising. It’s aches dully when I’m sitting forward at the computer for too long, and then I’ll get these stabbing pains if I move the wrong way, like bending over. It’s much better when I’m lying down or reclined and not putting pressure on my upper abdomen. It seems to be muscle related because it happens in just the one spot and certain movements make it worse. The only reason I want my blood work checked again is because of the location. It’s on my right upper abdomen, directly below my right breast. I’m sure it’s not an organ issue this time, but just want to make sure 🙂 My hubby thinks it might be a bruised rib and it’s causing muscle inflammation in the area. But who knows…

          I think you might be right. We’ll never know for sure, but I will say, I am very thankful for my doctors here and how thorough they are 🙂

          Btw – speaking of doctors here, Dr J is not a Dr, I’m thankful for anymore. I finally sent that email letting him and Jackie know I’m pregnant and I also addressed how disappointed I was that no one has bothered to followup with me since I had my chemical pregnancy in March. I also asked Jackie what I should do with my left over supplies/meds and sharps containers full of needles that I had not had a chance to bring in because they never follow-up with me, and I have yet to receive a response from them at all. It’s been 4 days since I sent that email. It really does feel like no one there cared at all what happened to me. I spent over $20,000 at their clinic and another $9,000 in meds, so I guess they got want they needed. I probably need to just walk away at this point and take my medical waste to my regular doctor’s clinic and see if they can dispose of it for me, but I also need a receipt for one of the pricier payments we made because I somehow managed to misplace it and need to have it on file with my taxes since I was able to claim it against my medical expenses for 2013. So I will have to send another email to Jackie. I hope she’ll respond to that email. If not, I’ll have to go in there and I really don’t want to see these people who clearly don’t care about me at all. Sigh… I wish I had known what they were like before you went there. At the time when you had your treatments, I had only just had my CP and didn’t realize I would never hear from them again. It’s altered my relationship with my acupuncturist too, because she’s the one who recommended them, which is why I haven’t been to acu in a while. I might have to find a new acupuncturist if this pain persists.

          Anyway, enough about me! I am so hopeful and exited for you hon! Sending you so many prayers!

        • What??? I’d resend the email to them both and shame Dr. J into having it addressed. Sorry that’s happened. I had to resend my refund email twice too. Persistence paid off in one sense but your note warrants a personal response in my view. Hugs, hon.

        • Yeah, I will send another email, but if I still don’t hear from them, I’m going to just have to let it go. It’s not worth being upset over. And I think I’ll have my hubby go in and get a copy of the receipt and drop off my medical waste and extra supplies. I’m afraid if I do it, I’ll end up getting emotional and it will end up in a horrible confrontation. Hugs back!

  1. I really love this post. Especially communicating to your child that s/he can arrive in any bodily form. Imagine how amazing this world would be if all parents examined their expectations of their future children and then let them go so the little person could arrive as they are. Really wonderful post.

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