This morning marked episode one of my current three-needles-per-day (Neupogen, Lovenox, Novarel (hCG)) and multiple pill (Prednisone, Estrace, Claritin, 81mg Aspirin) routine. I also am on a bunch of supplements to which I have had to add Calcium (to address the negative effects on bones caused by the Prednisone and Lovenox) and Magnesium (to avoid the constipation that will surely follow the high doses of Calcium and because it’s supposed to help balance things out more generally).
Only the Lovenox hurt and only a little. I have divided my supplements and drugs into 5 doses/times. This is the most regimented I have ever been entering a cycle. It feels obsessive and reassuring at the same time.
To be honest, I’m not entirely sure how I feel. The fear is hanging around like a bad penny but I’m trying to keep holding her hand and reminding her that we can get through this together. She needs me more than I need her; if I send her packing, she’s gone. She does not need to know I am likely unable to do that at this point.
I keep trying to remind myself that this may not work the first time and that is okay. I think I need to stop that and just tell myself I’m already pregnant, as I did with my last transfer (the one that ended badly in May). Although it ended badly, I was more confident than I have ever been and I felt better throughout the cycle as a result of that increased confidence.
Of course, my increased knowledge of how many obstacles stand between me and a healthy, full-term (or at least viable) pregnancy makes self-delusion a little trickier.
I return to New York to spend another date with Dr. Braverman’s nurses for my second Intralipid infusion and with the Almighty Oz himself on Friday for another ultrasound (to check my lining and other lady bits). I will also need blood tests done; Dr. B orders all kinds of hormone levels, not just estradiol. I hope to have the blood tests completed Thursday evening at home so I don’t have to pay for them in New York (since I don’t think I can get that reimbursed by our public health system or paid for by my private insurance).
I will be on weekly Intralipid infusions for three weeks and then every two weeks. In theory, our embryo transfer will happen between that third infusion and the switch to the bi-weekly plan. I hope I make it to the bi-weekly part of the plan.
I cannot even express how much I want this cycle to work. Please, forces greater than me, make this happen.