Spirit Baby, I Choose You

I think for many of us, when we do IVF the first time notwithstanding the statistics saying it only works some – nowhere near 100% – of the time it’s inevitable that we believe in whole or in part that it will work, if not the first time then sometime soon afterward. When IVF does not make our dreams come true (cancelled cycles, BFN, loss), it is such a blow.

When one moves on to donor egg IVF and the same thing happens, it can shatter who you think you are. The blow is hard. In my case, much harder than the first blows with ART. In the LP’s case, the blows may have been more comparable.

When one gets a diagnosis saying you have so many immune and genetic obstacles it is unlikely you could ever stay pregnant and practically impossible for you to carry another child to term after doing so once, as I did, the devastation is complete. Or one is inclined to think it is. We want that to be the final blow.

I pray and hope that there is no next level or layer of obliteration of my sense of self and faith in God, myself, western medicine, traditional Chinese medicine and the contract I believe we have made with our spirit baby.

My fear is not gone even though I am choosing not to give her voice. The risks are real. I know that. I choose not to think about them. I know from experience that this means any negative outcome will be soul-shattering.

I know there is a decent chance the first time we do this immune protocol and use a frozen embryo that may not survive the thaw we run the risk that it will not work.

The risks are real.

I choose not to linger on them.

I choose faith.

I choose hope.

I choose life.

I choose my beautiful, powerful, heart and soul shattering spirit baby, Azulito.

Azulito, I choose you.

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17 thoughts on “Spirit Baby, I Choose You

  1. I absolutely love your approach. While the fear is real, and a negative outcome will be soul crushing, I honestly don’t think you (or I or anyone going through RPL or IF) can enter into all of this without choosing hope, faith and life. I am hoping for you, wishing you continued strength to battle the all too real fears!

  2. I totally get it. I explained to my parents and my in-laws that failure is a very real outcome of IVF, but somehow it didn’t take over me. I didn’t even get emotional explaining all this. I didn’t let the words become real. I have to believe I will overcome it, right?

    • Yes! I have to believe I will succeed. I know this time might not work. But I refuse to believe that so long as I am in the cycle, so long as there is a chance. It is the cruelest gamble. Unless or until it pays off. May it pay off…

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