You Already Know the Answer

I woke up this morning with a sense of foreboding about a blogging friend, Lindsey, at Awaiting Autumn. Many of you already know her but if you don’t, please consider stopping by and sending her some care and compassion as she recovers from surgery yesterday after having her first pregnancy (ectopic) rupture in one of her fallopian tubes.

My second thought after Lindsey was that I was not anxious and filled with foreboding as I have been the past few days. I still have the low-grade rumblings of ART anxiety buzzing about in the back of my mind and other organs, but I was not gasping for breath or fretting about the What-Ifs in the way I have found myself doing lately. As I tended to my medical obligations for this cycle (morning injections and oral medications mostly) and thought about the fact that I’d be getting on yet another couple of airplanes to travel to New York again tomorrow, I dug out my Pre-Birth Communication Soul Cards and asked our spirit baby, Azulito, and anyone else hanging out there in the universe with him/her to speak to me through the cards.

I felt my hand drawn to a card before I had fully formulated my question, although I knew that what I wanted to ask about was whether making this cycle our All-Or-Nothing gamble (transferring both of our last two embryos if they both survive the thaw next Tuesday) was the right thing to do. The card my hand was resolutely drawn toward?

“You already know the answer.”

Yes. I do. The answer is yes.

To my surprise and great relief, I asked the LP last evening if he wanted to set aside time to talk about the advice Dr. Braverman had given me on Monday (to transfer both Gertrude and Alice if they both make it through the defrost process) or if he wanted to schedule time to speak with the doctor about that. The LP said no, he had thought about it and he agreed with my gut feeling and the doctor’s advice. We should throw everything we can at my uterus and see what sticks. He may have chosen his words more eloquently.

I love the LP. That conversation reminded me why. I have no doubt that this is one key source of my stress reduction this morning. It is good to be on the same page in this fiasco.

Maybe the LP is hoping that even if this fails, I will realize that the financial burden is already too heavy and end this journey. I cannot say what I will do if this fails. Today, I do not want to give up. I promised myself I would give the immune protocol two chances to work. Making this an all-or-nothing game means we only have one chance.

Failure this time will mean game over as we would be starting at zero with all of the costs associated with designing a revised protocol and having a new DE IVF cycle (because the cost of 3 or more IVFs to use my own eggs at this stage is prohibitive). I am not up for a gestational carrier if we are using someone else’s eggs. I’m just not emotionally there now that we have one child I carried myself.

ART is by far the highest stakes gambling I have ever done. Despite my passion for horse racing (thoroughbreds, please), I am not a gambler when I go to casinos or play poker. I don’t even bet much at the track. But here I am, gambling in the highest stakes game I’ve ever played. And I am telling you I feel relieved to have made the decision to double down. All or nothing. What has become of me?

I hope that Azulito knows what he/she is doing.

Cue the second card I drew. This time, I asked “Is this really going to work?” or something to that effect. The answer?

“I have a plan and please do not worry.”

Azulito should know that this is a tall order. He/she should also know I will do my best. In this moment, I have faith. I trust there is a plan. God and Azulito have a plan. I will try not to worry. Too much.

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15 thoughts on “You Already Know the Answer

  1. You and Lindsay have been on my mind all week. I was so sad to read her blog things morning.

    I’m happy to read that you have your answer and I’m fiercely hoping this round brings you success, my dear cycle sister. I was nodded my head reading how you described IVF like gambling. Yes, that’s exactly what it’s like! Reproductive roulette and you already know how I feel about vegas 😉

    May Azulito hold your hand and guide you to a successful cycle. Praying for a very happy ending to this chapter of your life. May this cycle bring you a healthy pregnancy and may you welcome a healthy new baby into your family.

    • You are so balanced to be writing such thoughtful things on the eve of your transfer! Thank you for your kind and sincere words and tremendous support. You are transferring two this afternoon as well, yes?

      • Ha! I’m faaar from balanced but I appreciate you saying that. I feel a tiny bit less crazy today from hearing it 🙂

        Yes, I’m in the office lobby sending happy vibes to my two embryos hoping they hang in there. My hubby had to get cash from the atm for the parking garage and I’m alone with my thoughts and very full bladder. Deep breaths!

  2. I have been thinking of you so much, and I’m so happy to read this post. I really had a gut feeling that transferring both was the right path for you, but more importantly than that, I am delighted that you and the LP are on the same page and have made the decision. That’s huge! Have faith in little Azulito. 🙂

  3. I love how with every post your confidence and faith seem to be strengthening. Yes, of course you still have doubts, but it really feels like you are approaching a place of peace. This is amazing to me after all you’ve been through and all you are going through now (frequent trips to NY, etc.). I share your gut feeling–I think transferring both sounds like a really good plan. Hopefully this will be it and you will never have to think about what to do if it doesn’t work. You’re right, it is a gamble, but I think you are so strong for even playing! I am sending prayers and support your way that this is IT for you.

  4. First off, Lindsay has been on my mind a lot too, and I was devastated to read her update yesterday. I am sending her prayers for a quick recovery. Thank you for the reminder because there was something I wanted to add to my comment to her yesterday.

    Secondly, I know how risky it is to contemplate gambling with both your embryos. I would be so scared too, but I’m also so hopeful for you. Praying this works and you get the best payout of your life!

    • Thank you so much for always coming forward from your heart and with prayers. Your story this pregnancy has been such a source of hope and inspiration to me and so many others, I’m glad to have you in my corner.

  5. You’re remarkable. Running from country to country to handle your immune issues and transfer yet have the compassion and energy to be present for others. I need to take a page.

    Glad you and LP landed on the same page without having to uber process/talk it to death. That get exhausting. I know you’re nervous but I’m excited for you now that the big decisions are settled.

    • Thank you, that’s so kind of you to say although I hadn’t really thought about it like that.

      I’m getting a little excited, too. The LPs hands were shaking this afternoon when he asked if we would know at the blood test whether it was one or two that stuck (he’s assuming we’ll succeed, apparently). I think he’s being brave for my sake but I’ll take that (with gratitude). I am starting to feel excited and jittery. I hope the latter is just more excitement and not another impending and awkard emotional outburst. 😉

  6. I see you doubled down on gambling analogies as well. 🙂

    It really sounds like you have thought it through and are at peace with this decision. That’s all you can ask for. The rest is out of your control.

    • Yes, I am as at peace as I can be with any of this. I am not at peace in any conventional sense of the phrase I don’t believe. Unless jangled nerves and perpetual anxiety placated by deep breaths and meditations and other stress reduction methods qualifies! Thank you for your insightful comments, I always appreciate their acerbic and to-the-point flavour. 🙂

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