I woke up this morning with a sense of foreboding about a blogging friend, Lindsey, at Awaiting Autumn. Many of you already know her but if you don’t, please consider stopping by and sending her some care and compassion as she recovers from surgery yesterday after having her first pregnancy (ectopic) rupture in one of her fallopian tubes.
My second thought after Lindsey was that I was not anxious and filled with foreboding as I have been the past few days. I still have the low-grade rumblings of ART anxiety buzzing about in the back of my mind and other organs, but I was not gasping for breath or fretting about the What-Ifs in the way I have found myself doing lately. As I tended to my medical obligations for this cycle (morning injections and oral medications mostly) and thought about the fact that I’d be getting on yet another couple of airplanes to travel to New York again tomorrow, I dug out my Pre-Birth Communication Soul Cards and asked our spirit baby, Azulito, and anyone else hanging out there in the universe with him/her to speak to me through the cards.
I felt my hand drawn to a card before I had fully formulated my question, although I knew that what I wanted to ask about was whether making this cycle our All-Or-Nothing gamble (transferring both of our last two embryos if they both survive the thaw next Tuesday) was the right thing to do. The card my hand was resolutely drawn toward?
“You already know the answer.”
Yes. I do. The answer is yes.
To my surprise and great relief, I asked the LP last evening if he wanted to set aside time to talk about the advice Dr. Braverman had given me on Monday (to transfer both Gertrude and Alice if they both make it through the defrost process) or if he wanted to schedule time to speak with the doctor about that. The LP said no, he had thought about it and he agreed with my gut feeling and the doctor’s advice. We should throw everything we can at my uterus and see what sticks. He may have chosen his words more eloquently.
I love the LP. That conversation reminded me why. I have no doubt that this is one key source of my stress reduction this morning. It is good to be on the same page in this fiasco.
Maybe the LP is hoping that even if this fails, I will realize that the financial burden is already too heavy and end this journey. I cannot say what I will do if this fails. Today, I do not want to give up. I promised myself I would give the immune protocol two chances to work. Making this an all-or-nothing game means we only have one chance.
Failure this time will mean game over as we would be starting at zero with all of the costs associated with designing a revised protocol and having a new DE IVF cycle (because the cost of 3 or more IVFs to use my own eggs at this stage is prohibitive). I am not up for a gestational carrier if we are using someone else’s eggs. I’m just not emotionally there now that we have one child I carried myself.
ART is by far the highest stakes gambling I have ever done. Despite my passion for horse racing (thoroughbreds, please), I am not a gambler when I go to casinos or play poker. I don’t even bet much at the track. But here I am, gambling in the highest stakes game I’ve ever played. And I am telling you I feel relieved to have made the decision to double down. All or nothing. What has become of me?
I hope that Azulito knows what he/she is doing.
Cue the second card I drew. This time, I asked “Is this really going to work?” or something to that effect. The answer?
“I have a plan and please do not worry.”
Azulito should know that this is a tall order. He/she should also know I will do my best. In this moment, I have faith. I trust there is a plan. God and Azulito have a plan. I will try not to worry. Too much.