3dp5dt: Holding Fast to Blissful Ignorance

This morning some fearful thoughts tried to sneak their way into my mind. I beat them back with a stick and sent them packing.

Up until that moment, I have enjoyed a very uncharacteristic confidence and sense of calm about this transfer. I never spend the two-week-wait (or the ART variation thereof) in a zen-like state of calm. I am never flooded with peaceful energy and thoughts of my life being pregnant for the coming 8-ish months. Never. Until now.

I feel rather chilled about the whole thing. Yesterday my acupunturist and TCMD asked if I felt optimistic. I could not say yes, not because I don’t have hope but because until I thought about how to answer that question I had been simply feeling comfortable. Comfortable and content. Comfortable that I have done everything possible for this cycle to be successful and odds are that I am pregnant. Content believing that even if it is a complete delusion.

I have discovered the experience of blissful ignorance. How completely fascinating.

I have never understood women saying they did not want to take a home pregnancy test before their beta because they wanted to savour the belief that they were “pregnant until proven otherwise” (an expression I feel quite loathsome toward, even now that I have clearly drank the kool-aid). I’ve always been a band-aid ripper-offer. I routinely and compulsively test early and test often. I have never not tested out my triggers, for example.

This time, I had no trigger. All of my low-dose hCG injections were complete well before transfer (Dr. Braverman prescribed them to help implantation, in lieu of Lupron since we did a protocol without that drug this time). I have no trigger to test out this time. I pulled out tests to stuff into the bathroom drawer last night on the basis that I would start testing Saturday because it is a special day for the LP and I. I knew that would be too early (4dp5dt) but I thought it could give me a baseline against which to measure any changes.

Today, I am reconsidering my decision. What if I feel completely anxious after testing and getting a negative, even though I know it will be negative? I will lose this moment of bliss. My zen-like, peaceful, “optimistic” state will be dashed and it is unlikely I will be able to recover or restore it. Or will it? Can I maintain my faith and find peace in all of this even if I start testing early?

As I think about it, I believe Sunday is the day to start testing. 5dp5dt or 10dpo is the earliest I have ever had a positive HPT before and often the second line is not really visible to anyone not suffering from line-eye until 6dp5dt or 11dpo. But that begs the question, doesn’t it? Should I test at all before my beta next Wednesday? Whether I should or not, I will. That much I know. I just don’t have it in me not to test early. I am who I am.

In the meantime, I am deeply committed to the blissful ignorance that is my unwavering faith that Azulito and maybe a companion are along for the ride and have chosen this cycle to make his/her/their way home at last. I love you, little babies. I know you are only embryos right now but I’m calling you babies anyway. Science be damned.

The last two mornings I have looked to my Animal Spirit Guide cards (I used the physical cards, not the online link or the app). I asked for a message from Spirit about our embryos, Gertrude and Alice. Each morning I drew the Unicorn:

FullSizeRender

Immediately after drawing the Unicorn this morning, I realized I had to indulge in some creative play. I took out my intuition journal (because I couldn’t find my art journal) and some oil pastels, picked up the pastel that my hand first gravitated toward (green – coincidentally the same colour as I had my toenails painted for this cycle), closed my eyes and put pastel to paper. Next my hand went to blue – Azulito’s colour – and I closed my eyes again. I continued until it occurred to me that when I’ve been visualizing the mind-body connection to my uterus lately it has been taking the form of a lotus flower. I felt strongly that oranges and reds belonged in the flower out of which the blue and green presences seem to have floated. Here is what resulted:

FullSizeRender

When I look at the finished product now, I see flames and our Gertrude and Alice rising out of the fiery lotus flower in phoenix-like resurrection. Gertrude (in green) looks a little rougher around the edges and Alice (in blue) a little more contained.

I do not know entirely what all of this means. But it feels right. And I like that.

I could get used to this blissful ignorance thing. It’s almost as good as Val.ium.

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19 thoughts on “3dp5dt: Holding Fast to Blissful Ignorance

  1. I say keep living in blissful ignorance, and keep using that stick to beat back any possible fearful thoughts! Really, at this point doubt isn’t going to help anything, so although it may be hard at times, I’d try to stay positive and be blissful!! 🙂

  2. Beautiful artwork. As much as I would love to be a wait until beta person, I always cave. That being said, POAS-ing really does fuel anxiety for me. Next cycle, I’d love to try to wait it out. Even if you can wait until closer to beta you have a better chance of getting the correct result. Sending much love and light to you and your embabies. I hope this Zen – like state is a good omen.

  3. I love this post, everything but it and everything it’s meant to induce. I feel strength ND calm just reading it ND seeing your artwork. We are similar creatures you and I and you’ve just opened an window for me to look into. Thank you

      • Thank you! The lines are getting darker so I’m feeling less manic but still anxious. I am eager to find out the level on monday so I can dispose of my POAS collection (which is getting waayyyyy outta control I might add)! You’ll be in my thoughts tomorrow as you home test.

  4. I love your embryo art! Hooray for blissful ignorance. I say wait to test as long as you can–do whatever you need to do to hold onto that peaceful love feeling. Are you still flying to Long Isand every week or is that over now that the transfer’s been completed? Wishing you nothing but peace as you wait to test.

  5. I love how intuitive and insightful you are. Your visual manifestation of this moment is so powerful. I definitely need to get a set of those cards too. I try not to place too much power into deciding whether to poas. It makes me anxious if it’s negative, and anxious (but happy) if it’s positive. If you feel in the moment that you wanna know, then do it. Of course I’m cheering on Gertrude and Alice either way.

    • *Brilliant* thoughts on POAS decision-making! I’m a leaper who later looks on with regret at times. Suggesting I let intuition and presence of mind guide my decision in any given moment feels wise.

  6. I would not be able to wait until beta day either. I am praying so hard for you and Gertrude and Alice! Your pastel drawing is beautiful and what an amazing sign with your spirit cards! I will be thinking about you on Sunday!

  7. Praying for your positive. I waited for the beta b/c I didn’t want any ambiguity – false positives or negatives. Good luck!! Can’t wait to hear the results!

  8. This post is very powerful. Listening to your intuition, your gut, seems to be leading you to a very peaceful place, and considering all the madness that you have been through doing your best to bring Azulito (and God willing a companion) to this world, that’s exactly where you need to be. I am sending sooooo much love and hope and sticky vibes your way. I think the rest of us are waiting with bated breath for these tiny human. Your art is speaking volumes to me…it’s magnificent and a true manifestation of your hopes and dreams. I really hope this is it! I, am one of those people that is ok with not testing, but if those tests are calling you and you are provoking more anxiety, then HEY! Test, but if you can hold out, do it!

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