I feel sick. I am exhausted. I have never felt more grateful to be both wiped out and ill-feeling.
Yes, I peed on things. Heaps of things. Yesterday and today. I said it first: I’m incorrigible. I knew this would happen. So far, there are some pink lines on my horizon. They appear as lines might if I were not wearing corrective lenses, was suffering from serious sleep deprivation and intensely hungover. In short, they’re faint and blurry but definitely there. On four different brands of pee things.
I am debating whether to use a standing requisition for beta-hCG I got from my family doctor in relation to one of the 6 failed pregnancies I’ve had since the start of 2013. They’re good for one year and I’m pretty sure it’s still valid but I will have to check. If it is, I am tempted to sneak in a beta today or tomorrow so I can have some confidence booking a flight for Friday, when I’ll need my next round of Intralipid and to see Dr. Braverman in order to get a new prescription for my meds and the immune testing through Reprosource to determine if the current dosing is where it should be.
I have not told Dr. Braverman yet but I probably will in an e-mail at some point. Why not? It’s not like I haven’t been high maintenance to this point. Why stop now?
My plan had been to ask Dr. Braverman if there is any benefit in trying to get the labs done sooner rather than later (i.e, Monday or Tuesday as opposed to Friday). I think it will take at least 24 hours for any blood drawn here in western Canada to get to the East Coast where Reprosource is so maybe a few days does not matter. Maybe I do not need to e-mail him. I don’t need to make that decision now as I ruminate on feeling grateful for feeling like crap.
I am not as excited as I would love to be about these crazy-early positive home pregnancy tests. I’ve been down this road 9 times before with very unhappy endings in 8 of those 9 cases. This is pregnancy number 10. I’ve hit double digits. I hope I do not need to go any further. Yet I know this could all end in a matter of days or weeks. Only time will tell.
Suddenly time is ticking by at an impossibly slow pace. Its pace is measured by the intervals between when I pee on things. What a surreal life I have created for myself. What strange things for which to be grateful. Can you hear me now? A sampling for your reading pleasure:
“I get to pee on something in 1.5 hours.”
“I feel like barf. Exhausted barf. Not at the time in the barf department. All the time in the tired department.”
“Thank you God and Universe for your countless blessings.”
I have not booked a flight to New York yet. I don’t know when I will but I hope I can find enough proof that this is progressing to do so soon. Those things get more expensive every hour I wait it seems. But cancelling them is even more expensive. Thus I wait.
This is me at 5 days past my 5-day (and 6-day) transfer. I am scared out of my tree. Yet I cling fast to hope and faith in the messages I have received from Spirit and in my gut feeling that this is meant to have a happy ending somehow, someday. At the moment, it all feels intensely surreal and hard to believe (or maybe hard to trust). For that reason, I am doing all I can to recall the calm, zen-like state I was enjoying before all of this peeing, fatigue and nausea began. Deep breaths and one foot in front of the other.
To you, my friends and fellow bloggers, I extend my deepest thanks for your support and warmth in the days past and those to come. For you – like the nausea and the exhaustion – I am truly grateful.