5dp5dt: Genuine, if Surreal, Gratitude

I feel sick. I am exhausted. I have never felt more grateful to be both wiped out and ill-feeling.

Yes, I peed on things. Heaps of things. Yesterday and today. I said it first: I’m incorrigible. I knew this would happen. So far, there are some pink lines on my horizon. They appear as lines might if I were not wearing corrective lenses, was suffering from serious sleep deprivation and intensely hungover. In short, they’re faint and blurry but definitely there. On four different brands of pee things.

I am debating whether to use a standing requisition for beta-hCG I got from my family doctor in relation to one of the 6 failed pregnancies I’ve had since the start of 2013. They’re good for one year and I’m pretty sure it’s still valid but I will have to check. If it is, I am tempted to sneak in a beta today or tomorrow so I can have some confidence booking a flight for Friday, when I’ll need my next round of Intralipid and to see Dr. Braverman in order to get a new prescription for my meds and the immune testing through Reprosource to determine if the current dosing is where it should be.

I have not told Dr. Braverman yet but I probably will in an e-mail at some point. Why not? It’s not like I haven’t been high maintenance to this point. Why stop now?

My plan had been to ask Dr. Braverman if there is any benefit in trying to get the labs done sooner rather than later (i.e, Monday or Tuesday as opposed to Friday). I think it will take at least 24 hours for any blood drawn here in western Canada to get to the East Coast where Reprosource is so maybe a few days does not matter. Maybe I do not need to e-mail him. I don’t need to make that decision now as I ruminate on feeling grateful for feeling like crap.

I am not as excited as I would love to be about these crazy-early positive home pregnancy tests. I’ve been down this road 9 times before with very unhappy endings in 8 of those 9 cases. This is pregnancy number 10. I’ve hit double digits. I hope I do not need to go any further. Yet I know this could all end in a matter of days or weeks. Only time will tell.

Suddenly time is ticking by at an impossibly slow pace. Its pace is measured by the intervals between when I pee on things. What a surreal life I have created for myself. What strange things for which to be grateful. Can you hear me now? A sampling for your reading pleasure:

“I get to pee on something in 1.5 hours.”

“I feel like barf. Exhausted barf. Not at the time in the barf department. All the time in the tired department.”

“Thank you God and Universe for your countless blessings.”

I have not booked a flight to New York yet. I don’t know when I will but I hope I can find enough proof that this is progressing to do so soon. Those things get more expensive every hour I wait it seems. But cancelling them is even more expensive. Thus I wait.

This is me at 5 days past my 5-day (and 6-day) transfer. I am scared out of my tree. Yet I cling fast to hope and faith in the messages I have received from Spirit and in my gut feeling that this is meant to have a happy ending somehow, someday. At the moment, it all feels intensely surreal and hard to believe (or maybe hard to trust). For that reason, I am doing all I can to recall the calm, zen-like state I was enjoying before all of this peeing, fatigue and nausea began. Deep breaths and one foot in front of the other.

To you, my friends and fellow bloggers, I extend my deepest thanks for your support and warmth in the days past and those to come. For you – like the nausea and the exhaustion – I am truly grateful.

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47 thoughts on “5dp5dt: Genuine, if Surreal, Gratitude

  1. Good stuff!! Keep that faith and hope alive girlie. This is a new pregnancy with amazingly new possibilities. Remember, we walk by faith and not sight :). Look ahead and not behind sugars! Prayin for you πŸ™‚

      • Ugh I did not expect that. Hang in there. Sending LOTS of love, light and sticky baby dust your way. I was so excited when I read this. I hope the excitement continues all the way through 9 months.

        • Thanks. My last pregnsncy where my hCG plateaued at 14-15 has got me really gun shy. I would bet good money I no longer have (thanks to this journey) that if I had ny beta drawn today thats about what it would be. How does one not fall prey to the terror that this could be a do-over? I can feed myself deep breaths but at the end of the day I know there is no guarantee this protocol will work (I may need IVIg, the IL won’t have worked on most of my crazy high pro-inflammatory cytokine levels, etc). Braverman was the first to tell me that and we talked about it again last week. This really is a game of chance and while I choose to believe my baby/ies want to come home as much as we want them to, and I choose to have faith that we have done all we could, the reality may be very different and is entirely out of my control. Sigh. I need to detach again and own that lack of control.

          Thank you so much for the love, light and good wishes. I hope for excitement to take up residence soon for me. I hate this fear and risk business. I am so over that!

        • The beta game is never fun. I was up and down all throughout mine. Moments of pure fear and despair, followed by excitement and hope. Go with the ebbs and flows. It’s out of your hands now until the final verdict. Try to find yourself back to that place of peace. It’s the best place for you now.

  2. I woke up hoping to see good news from you today! Wahooo! I’m trilled to hear your pee party has yielded two pink lines! Way to go, Gertrude and Alice…keep on growing little ones!

  3. This will sound crazy, but I can feel something good in this! I can feel it girl!
    Also, you can always take the train to Philly or the bus to Boston/Baltimore, if it’s a lot cheaper to fly from there. I’ve done that more than once with last minute travel.

    • Oooh… I love good feelings. I hope yours is right! Yes I have looked at other landing pads but to date they have not proven cheaper when I have to book on short notice or I cant make the times work but I don’t mind buses or trains.

  4. Love that you saw a line. I pray that the line darkens significantly so that you’re confident in booking that ticket to NYC. It’s crazy that it’s already 5dp5dt!

  5. I’m so sorry that I disappeared for so long, and missed so much of your journey!!! I’m so pleased that you have some early positives, and am totally hoping number 10 is the one. Much love and hope XXXX

  6. CHOOSE HOPE. I don’t think it hurts any less if you choose fear. It’s taken me a few months to choose hope on this one and I understand that it was that time that convinced me to do it. But I also think that staying calm and sending loving vibes to those cells doesn’t hurt… Can’t wait to hear your next update!!

  7. I am so happy to read this! Praying those tests get super dark and and those babies are snuggling in good and strong! I say cash in your standing beta requisition! You have a positive HPT, no point in waiting until Friday for your beta. Praying so hard for you hon.

  8. Yes, yes, yes! I’ll be on the edge of my seat to read the beta results. I know it’s a long, scary road, but right now, it sounds like you are pregnant, girl! Try to let yourself feel the joy and hang onto it with all you’ve got. Sending prayers.

  9. No matter how you think about it, a faint line is better then no line!! While I too would wait to book your flights, I completely respect your hesitation, I do hope that G and A are snuggled in for the long haul! I am so hopeful for your beta test tomorrow, and I hope so much that they provide you with some confidence and hope for at least a few days.

  10. Sending you lots of love and prayers to your babies. Remember, do not compare tests unless they are 24 hrs apart. Hugs sweetie.

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