Choosing Hope and Faith

* pregnancy mentioned *

Today I am 5 weeks and 2 days pregnant. By this time next week I will have completed ultrasound #1 with Dr. Braverman. I have had moments of intense anxiety but in the past 48 hours I have made conscious choices to reflect a hope and faith I *want* to maintain but which sometimes eludes me.

In one of those mind-over-matter, hope-and-faith-forward moments, I booked future flights to New York City. Flights for dates well beyond my 6-week ultrasound. If this is not an act of faith for me I do not know what would be. I am either very hopeful and prayerful or I’ve lost my mind.

The pragmatic me rationalized the flight bookings in light of the fact that my flight for next Friday cost me basically double what each of the later November and December flights set me back. Plus I can get most of the flight costs as a credit if my hope and faith are misplaced and next weekend’s ultrasound spells Game Over for Gertrude and Alice.

In a moment of terror I dashed out for another set of blood tests yesterday morning. The results (hCG 4705 U/L, progesterone 202.7 nmol/L, TSH 0.81 mU/L) allowed me to breathe this weekend. Phew!

The terror that prompted the blood tests was brought on in part by some serious cramping on Thursday and early Friday. I was well hydrated and the cramping was definitely uterine and bad enough I had to take Tylenol before going to work yesterday morning. I am so glad that those cramps have settled down since yesterday.

I do not have a clear feeling about whether either or both of our embryos has already dropped out of the race. My past experience and betas make me suspect that we have already lost one one but hCG levels can vary so much I know better than to put too much stock into them, for better or for worse.

It will be a long wait from now until next Saturday’s verdict. In the meantime I will try to keep my chin up, choose hope and faith and let go.

22 thoughts on “Choosing Hope and Faith

  1. I absolutely love that you are choosing hope and faith! I know it can be hard at times, but I love that you are trying and doing things (i.e. booking flights) to show your hope and faith! Sending you love and wishing you a happy weekend!

  2. I love all theses positive updates. You got this!!! Enjoy this amazing moment your babies love you so much… The numbers sound amazing as well!! Can’t wait for more amazing updates 😊

  3. Loving your outlook and those lovely betas! Next week needs to hurry up before we both loose our minds. So glad you booked your flights and are putting positive intentions out into the world.
    Every moment of every day, all I can see is November 5th. I’m sure you are laser focused on your scan as well. I caved Thursday night and took a pee test (I found a rouge wondfo in the bathroom drawer). It was darker than the control so seeing that kept me calm for roughly 12 hours. Hang in there cycle sister! Thinking of you and praying for good news next week.

    • Thank you so much my cycle sister. I am so hopeful for your scan on Wednesday. The pee tests are what got me started on my panic resulting in another beta. The stupid digital kept saying I was only 4-5 weeks pregnant (beta under 2,600 or 2,000 in pee) when my serum hCG should have been double that. No more stupid evil digital pee tests for me. Wednesday and Saturday cannot come soon enough! I will be keeping you in my heart and prayers meanwhile my friend.

  4. Praying the rest of this week flies by as best as it can for you hon! I remember feeling so much fear before that first ultrasound (and the next 30 and counting if I’m being honest), but this time is different, I just feel it! Keep telling yourself that hon. And yes, I love the first comment and your response. Keep saying that mantra over and over!

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