* pregnancy mentioned *
Today I am 5 weeks and 2 days pregnant. By this time next week I will have completed ultrasound #1 with Dr. Braverman. I have had moments of intense anxiety but in the past 48 hours I have made conscious choices to reflect a hope and faith I *want* to maintain but which sometimes eludes me.
In one of those mind-over-matter, hope-and-faith-forward moments, I booked future flights to New York City. Flights for dates well beyond my 6-week ultrasound. If this is not an act of faith for me I do not know what would be. I am either very hopeful and prayerful or I’ve lost my mind.
The pragmatic me rationalized the flight bookings in light of the fact that my flight for next Friday cost me basically double what each of the later November and December flights set me back. Plus I can get most of the flight costs as a credit if my hope and faith are misplaced and next weekend’s ultrasound spells Game Over for Gertrude and Alice.
In a moment of terror I dashed out for another set of blood tests yesterday morning. The results (hCG 4705 U/L, progesterone 202.7 nmol/L, TSH 0.81 mU/L) allowed me to breathe this weekend. Phew!
The terror that prompted the blood tests was brought on in part by some serious cramping on Thursday and early Friday. I was well hydrated and the cramping was definitely uterine and bad enough I had to take Tylenol before going to work yesterday morning. I am so glad that those cramps have settled down since yesterday.
I do not have a clear feeling about whether either or both of our embryos has already dropped out of the race. My past experience and betas make me suspect that we have already lost one one but hCG levels can vary so much I know better than to put too much stock into them, for better or for worse.
It will be a long wait from now until next Saturday’s verdict. In the meantime I will try to keep my chin up, choose hope and faith and let go.