This morning I reached into my dresser drawer where I keep my gemstone pendants and other odds and ends roughly fitting a jewellery-esque description and went straight for the Lemon Chrysophase pendant I bought sometime around when I was pregnant for the third time in 2013. That baby we nicknamed “Mandy” because she was conceived at a certain hotel in Las Vegas where an abbreviation of that sort might fit (no, we didn’t stay at copacabana and see Barry Manilow. Is he even still alive? If he is, I probably should see him. I used to love that song Mandy which I heard was about his dog when I was a child. I digress.)
Back to the Lemon Chrysophase. I thought that baby would make it. To be fair, Mandy made it further than anyone else in 2013 or 2014 to date. But her heart eventually stopped and the Lemon Chrysophase went into the drawer, another trigger and a reminder of my broken heart. I pulled the gemstone out again in my first IVF cycle in 2014 but it did not feel right. Back in the drawer it went.
Somehow, however, the last few days, that stone has been calling to me. Something about it felt like it belongs to these embryos we transferred – Gertrude and Alice as I’ve dubbed them – or to one fo them. Or maybe to the metaphysical union that has become of them if they are now one? In any event, it called to me and I added it to the long silver chain around my neck on which I have been wearing since I started this cycle two other pendants.
The first pendant was a gift from the LP. It is a white and yellow gold modernist wishbone with an amethyst (the Miracle Toddler’s birthstone). The other is a small silver leaf that reads “Courage” which is on loan from one of my acupuncturists and friend.
The first one I chose for this cycle because I wanted to remember that if all else fails, I need to hold fast to the knowledge and my gratitude in having the Miracle Toddler in our lives and because I believe above all else that he is a miracle. I also believe that he is a bringer of good fortune and carrying something that commemorates the gift he is to our lives – and the gift that is my love for and relationship with the LP – is grounding in a very visceral way for me. I love that wishbone pendant and all it means to me.
I wear the second one with great honour. I am grateful and touched that my acupuncturist and friend – whos has seen me through every one of our 6 losses in 2013 and 2014 – loaned me the courage pendant. And I believe her when she says it has been passed around among many women and has brought each one the courage they needed when they most needed it. There are tears in my eyes as I type this. Of course I chose to wear this.
I have not taken off this chain except for acupuncture treatments. And now to complete the collage around my neck, as of this morning the Lemon Chrysophase has taken up its rightful place. I did not clearly remember what spiritual or other attributes are associated with Lemon Chrysophase when I bought it although I had looked up it and other stones I was considering when I went shopping for a new stone. I certainly had no recollection of what it stood for or what it can do when I picked it up and put it on this morning. I looked that up in anticipation of this post and learned that among its attributes, Lemon Chrysophase:
* enhances perception
* encourages feelings of trust and security
* helps to instill wisdom and self-confidence
* helps to release emotional tension and stress
* is the stone of the heart and encourages compassion, loving acceptance and kindness
* is said to help increase fertility and other sexual imbalances
That seems perfect. In my heart and spirit I know that either Gertrude or Alice or both of them really wanted this stone nearby. And nearby it now is. For whatever that is worth, for whatever effect it may have between now and ultrasound number one this coming Saturday (when I hope and pray to see a little bean measuring 6 weeks and 2 days with a beautifully beating heart), there it is.
For all you fellow ravens (or other creatures fond of shiny objects), I leave you with a photograph of my little trio of pendants.