6w6d: The Anxiety Ratchets Up

A very warm thank you to everyone who has been following our journey (whether you comment or not) and who has shared such kind words and wishes along the way and especially after our first ultrasound in this pregnancy late last week.

I am 6 weeks and 6 days into this pregnancy and my next ultrasound is at a local radiography lab where I live, not with Dr. Braverman. It is scheduled for Friday afternoon, November 14, 2014 and the LP will be in tow. I was doing pretty good with my old albatross, anxiety/fear, until the last 12 hours when I suddenly began contemplating how few pregnancy symptoms I have and how mild they are compared to past pregnancies (particularly the one successful one in 2011-12). I am trying to tell myself that all of the medication I am on and especially the steroid (prednisone) likely account for this pregnancy feeling very different than the past nine.

In other news, I had a mostly helpful appointment with my general practitioner on Monday. She is also my prenatal care doctor and – God and Universe willing – will be until much of the way through the second trimester (unless I choose otherwise, which at this point I have not done because it’s way easier to see my GP and the wait for my appointments with her is minimal whereas the wait to see my OB even with an appointment can be upwards of two hours and never less than a half hour). She agreed to requisition weekly ultrasounds although she warned me that our public health care provider may refuse to pay for all of them. I said we would cross that bridge if we have to. Paying out of pocket will likely still cost me less than flying back and forth to New York City and I would like to think I could advocate for myself not to have to pay at all given my medical history, diagnoses from Dr. Braverman, inability to get in to see an immunologist or a geneticist here at all or in any timely manner and my age (which is, shall we say, advanced in the baby-making world).

Dr. Braverman has told me that I will have immune blood tests repeated at 8-ish and 13-ish weeks. With flight, work and lab schedules that means two more trips to New York, one on November 24th (8w4d) and one on December 22nd (12w4d). I will not be 13 weeks until December 25 and have friends staying with us from out of town December 26 – January 1, making the scheduling of the 13-ish week lab work a little tricky. I have kept my Dec. 7-8 flights for now in case the ultrasounds here are of such abysmal quality that Dr. Braverman wants me back for at least one more before the end of the first trimester.

Dr. Braverman says that more recently his team has been testing after the natural drop in hCG levels that occurs by 12 weeks because hCG has a natural immuno suppressive operation and he likes to see if there are any levels flaring up with the hCG drop. If not, I’m assuming we can then stop or taper most of the immune meds (except the Lovenox) around week 14-15 as it takes two weeks to get the full report from these lab tests. I have not confirmed that assumption but plan to speak with him about it when I see him next on November 24th assuming Azulito keeps on chugging in the meantime.

In other news, I have found myself feeling Azulito’s presence but struggling to connect in any in-depth way. I caught a cold on last week’s travel to New York (of course) and I’ve been not feeling quite myself. I do not know if that is why but it’s adding to my anxiety about whether everything is still chugging along as it should be. If you’re in the habit of asking powers greater than ourselves for support or if you simply believe in hope, I’d be very grateful if you might send out a “yo, please let this work” request when you have a moment. The nerves they are a-jangling!

Until next time… thank you again. For everything.

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30 thoughts on “6w6d: The Anxiety Ratchets Up

    • Thank you so much for the prayer, thoughts and kind words. Funny… When we are in the trenches it does not feel like strength or resolve. But I am grateful my tenacity has some positive effect for others!

  1. YO, PLEASE LET THIS WORK! Seriously, though, my good feeling remains that this one is going all the way for you. Sending out positive thoughts, prayers for you and Azulito, and keeping fingers and toes crossed. Xo.

  2. Intentions set for your successful pregnancy and beautiful baby. Try clearing the 3rd eye or crown Chakras. Actually clear them all and ground yourself. That should help you reconnect. Glad you have doctors who care so much about you. Your Braverman protocol scares me though. I keep hearing cha-ching cha-ching each time you mention another trip to NYC.

  3. “Yo! Please let this work!” Good luck. I know this is the hardest part. Hang in there, and don’t beat yourself up about the anxiety. It’s natural to be nervous given everything that you’ve been through. But you’ve got so many supports and people on your side…. I’m sure that makes a difference too.

    • Wow, I did not know that! Amazing the nausea has still peeked through almost every morning then. I cannot imagine how I would be working if it were unalduterated. ๐Ÿ˜‰ Dr. Braverman is glad you share his opinion. ๐Ÿ˜‰ Much love to you my friend.

  4. โ€œyo, please let this workโ€ – I think of you every single day, and am hoping and wishing that this little one keeps on going!
    That said, my hope is pretty low that our public health system will come through for you. But, considering the costs of going to NYC for ultrasounds, I sure hope that it will be cheaper to pay for them here.
    I’m with the other ladies and suspect that the prednisone is likely masking/reducing a lot of your pregnancy like symptoms. It’s easy for me to say, don’t worry about it, or try not to worry about it, but I know I would. In fact, in my loss history I have had multiple doctors tell me not to worry about the symptoms because I haven’t felt that they were strong enough or they were reducing in severity. So, my only real advice is to try to distract yourself from focusing on the worry – no ideas how to do that, maybe work more? ๐Ÿ™‚

    • Ha ha – funny you would suggest more work. I have been trying that. When I’m at work it’s not so bad. It’s the times when I wake up in the middle of the night or can’t fall asleep when my mind gets me into trouble…

      I hope you and MLACS et al are right about the drugs masking symptoms. I’m going to do my best to roll with that. Thank you so very much for thinking of me every day – you know that means so much to me!

  5. I am thinking so many positive thoughts for you! Try not to stress about the lack of symptoms. Maybe this it’s the universe’s way of cutting you some slack. Goodness knows you deserve that and then some. Wishing you peace of mind!

    • Thank you. I think it’s the drugs more than any slack. But maybe I’m bitter and suspicious of the universe’s benevolence by this point? ๐Ÿ˜‰ I hope you are well, I’m so happy to be on this trip together with you right now!

  6. Like always, thinking of you and your family! Please, please, please let this work! After everything this amazingly kind hearted women has been through, please let this work.

  7. Everyone in Apt. 42 will be eagerly awaiting your news on Friday. We’ve been incredibly attached to Azulito since s/he was just a tiny blast.

    • Thank you so much. I know that’s true for Effie. She practically tried to blanket Azulito on his/her first night on board! I cannot tell you how much all of the support from 42 has meant to me. I’m tearing up just typing that, for heaven’s sake!

  8. I’m sorry that you’re feeling like your lack of symptoms is problematic. I didn’t have very many at all for awhile, so I still believe that everything is okay for you. โค

    As always, I am sending positive thoughts and energy to you and Baby Azulito. Hugs, hugs, and more hugs! โค

  9. I know how hard it is to not let the anxieties creep in. Sending you strength to get to Friday hon and praying all is perfect.

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