I have my second ultrasound in about 8.5 hours. My heart races when I think about it. I wish I could will myself not to think. About it or anything else related to fertility, babies, autoimmune or recurrent pregnancy loss.
Some part of me cannot imagine this scan being another catastrophe. How could we really be so cursed? But the reality is, even if Dr. Braverman’s immune protocol is still working, there is always the chromosomal component that could cause this baby to stop developing or developing normally. We could still have a missed miscarriage for reasons completely unrelated to my hopefully-suppressed and still-behaving immune system.
My best friend wrote me yesterday that she cannot imagine the energy it takes to face the worry every day after all that we have been through to get here. That strikes me as a poignant observation on a few fronts:
1. No wonder I’m exhausted. I’m making another human (I hope) and shouldering or at least trying to process and let go of *so much worry*.
2. My normal is not most expectant mothers’ normal. I am so immersed in my situation and the RPL experiences of several of you that I sometimes forget how rare my circumstances are. How many women have an immune system hell-bent on destroying new life? Thankfully not many in the grand scheme though I think it happens more than most doctors ever acknowledge or are prepared to consider.
3. Knowledge is a double-edged sword. I am so grateful to know why we have lost so many babies. I am also terrified knowing that aside from the chromosomal issue we cannot control there is always the possibility of my immune system developing an adaptive response and doing a 180 on us, especially during the first and early second trimester. This is of course why Dr. Braverman pushes monitoring and why I was so quick to drink that kool-aid. I have been working to accept that so far things look good and I am doing everything I can to make this work. This is as good as it gets. I pray and hope that it is enough.
4. Finally, maybe this will work. And maybe one day in this pregnancy I will wake up and be genuinely less afraid. Not entirely free from worry because motherhood is laced with worry from start to finish. But able to worry less and feel some shade of confident that we really will welcome another child into our lives and home.
For today, my wish is for peace. Peace of mind. A peaceful ultrasound this afternoon. A peaceful sleep tonight. A peaceful journey to December 25th (13 weeks) and beyond. A peaceful birth.
A girl can dream. This is mine.