* pregnancy mentioned *
I feel remiss. I have been offline for what feels like ages and long overdue in reading or commenting on many of your posts or in posting any kind of substantive update myself. The holiday season took our home and my life by storm. We have had guests in our home for the past nine days. I had a great visit with my best friend and her munchkins but I am officially dead beat (and the Miracle Toddler is coming down with something, that’s what he gets for refusing to nap all but two of those nine days). Please accept my heartfelt apology for not keeping track or in touch more reliably. You know I’ve been thinking of you (or I hope you do).
I officially entered the second trimester earlier this week. The second trimester is supposed to be the “honeymoon” phase of pregnancy. Bah humbug on that. So far it has been an exercise in serious discomfort for me. I have suffered from terrible pregnancy-driven bloating, constipation and general malaise so badly that I’ve actually wept on occasion over the past week and a half. My digestion has apparently slowed to an all-time low and on some days I looked as though I were 6 months, not 14 weeks pregnant. My poor belly hurt! Heaps! Any woman who has said that pregnancy was a blissful state for them was lying. That said, I am very happy to have a little more energy and not to be falling asleep at my desk these days. Yay for small mercies! Now if only I could sleep through the night…
In addition to the GI troubles, I finally developed the dreaded moon-face while on 60 mg of Prednisone and it’s still not gone as I wean down from 40 to 20 mg while I await the results from my last immune testing. My blood was drawn December 22, 2014 and it takes about two weeks to get the report from Dr. Braverman’s office so I’m hoping that by early next week I will have some idea how things were looking at just shy of 13 weeks. I would love to drop down to 20 mg Prednisone and then wean off slowly to nothing by 20 weeks or earlier if things look good and my crazy symptoms don’t return with this or the next drop in dosage. Fingers crossed!
In other news, I tried an amazing Paleo bread recipe for the first time yesterday. So yummy! The house guests, the LP and I devoured most of a loaf in a single sitting. The MT would not try the bread as he was obsessed with the grapes and apple we’d served to accompany the bread. I’m sure he will try some another time; like his Dad, the MT loves bread!
The LP and I told some more family about this pregnancy over the holidays. I also told the important people to whom I report at work that I’m expecting last week. Telling work was kind of a big deal for me. Law firms are not known for their friendly responses to family planning matters and my last experience was a nightmare from start to finish (the finish being my resignation while on maternity leave, a decision I have never regretted).
In the MT’s pregnancy, I was suffering post-loss trauma and massive anxiety, trying to survive a toxic, family-unfriendly (despite protestations to the contrary) workplace and the LP was afraid to tell his older kids about having a new kid. I never admitted I was pregnant at work to anyone but my immediate superiors until after 20 weeks. I lied more than once. The good thing was I was smaller and didn’t show a lot until around the 20-week mark. Some women tried to hand me drinks to see if I would take them so they could “out” me as pregnant before I wanted to disclose that. Yes, I worked in a law firm then. An international law firm. Did I mention it was toxic?
Telling the managing partner and my practice group leader at my current law firm was a very different experience. They are both men (of course) and they both know the LP and I are… well… old. They each appeared to be sincere in their immediate congratulations and neither one asked me inappropriate questions or leapt to how long my leave would be. To be honest I think the managing partner was relieved that when I’d asked for a meeting with him I was not coming in to resign. (When I joked about that he admitted those “can I see you for a moment before you leave town” emails usually result in bad news so this “good news” was a relief.)
I haven’t told my “mentor” at work (my firm has a formal mentorship program despite the fact that I’ve been practicing for a decade, which I actually think is a good thing on the whole). I think he (yes, also a man – the legal profession or at least private practice still has huge issues with retention of female practitioners beyond the 5-year mark in Canada and I’m guessing elsewhere in the Western world) guessed on the one day I saw him last week. I felt a moment of guilt for not being forthright and then thought about how he had treated me rather poorly the week before when really stressed out and decided the guilt was both misplaced and unnecessary. Not telling him early on suddenly felt like retribution for his unkindness. Apparently I have a passive aggressive side. Who knew?
I am 14 weeks 2 days today, meaning I have 25 weeks and some days left to go if I carried Azulito/a to 40 weeks (which will not happen!). Given that this is my 10th pregnancy, it seems that my body has decided I should look as pregnant as possible as soon as possible. I’m a little disappointed as I feel huge already and worry what that means for 15 weeks from now and onward but I am trying to practice acceptance and embrace my new shape(lessness). At the request of the inimitable My Life as a Case Study (MLACS for short), here is a “bump” photo at 14w2d.
I sincerely hope that each of you has had a peaceful holiday (and that those of you who have suffered this holiday season will find peace in the coming days and weeks while you remain in my thoughts and prayers) and have something to which you might look forward in this new year. The year that has ended was a very difficult one for a great many of us – and also a new beginning for some, present company included – and will not be missed by many, I’m sure (present company included). For me and for the LP, 2013 and 2014 brought deep heartache and yet a sense of hope after all hope seemed lost. I wish so much that each of you reading this also find hope where it has been or seemed lost and for those of you whose hope has been restored, I wish that it remains so and that the Universe is kinder and gentler now than it has been in times past.
With a full heart and a bloated belly, I blow you all a new year’s kiss. Don’t worry, I used a dental dam so I won’t contaminate you with the Miracle Toddler’s latest bug. All the best to each of you.