A Good Snow Day Makes Short Work of the Best-Laid Plans

I was supposed to be flying to New York Monday night for immune panel testing to monitor how my body is responding to this pregnancy and to meet with and have another ultrasound done by Dr. Braverman on Tuesday. On Sunday night those plans changed.

I am now booked to fly to NYC on February 5th and come home on the 6th. I am scheduled to see an Immunologist at home on February 2nd and a Perinatologist on February 4th. Next week will be a week of medical appointments. I am more than a little anxious but trying to have faith that things will be okay. Somehow. Someday.

Today I got the report from last Wednesday’s ultrasound. Mostly promising news except the doctor diagnosed placenta previa. This could change as I was only 17 weeks then. I hope it does. That’s one more potential source of complications we could do without.

I am looking forward to dropping from 60 mg to 40 mg of Prednisone after Wednesday. I was thinking I would taper to 50 mg then 40 mg but Dr. Braverman in the past said I could just drop. Anyone with Prednisone experience who has thoughts on this please consider sharing. I would be most grateful. I’ve always tapered in the past.

I have been doing a great deal of soul searching over the past few days. I am not ready to write about it but I mention it because it feels important and I have shame about not being a good partner to the LP over the past two years and especially the last year of our lives. I need to own that feeling and my shame and give it voice so I can start to look more candidly at where I may have resistance and where he might to this dream we have been chasing for so long. I also want to heal the wounds that this journey has left on each of our hearts. To do that I need to look at where things may not be as they ought to be. Cryptic, I know. Bear with me. This stuff is not easy and took me a little by surprise (but was no surprise at the same time, if that makes any sense?).

On that note, I thank each and every one of you for being so kind and generous and loving in response to my last terrified post. Your compassion, support and encouragement mean more than I will ever be able to convey adequately. Thank you. So much.

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23 thoughts on “A Good Snow Day Makes Short Work of the Best-Laid Plans

  1. Wow, this post is loaded! An immunologist at home without a full 2 year wait? Possible placenta previa. A possible drastic drop in your steroids. A delayed trip to NYC. An appointment with perinatologist. And some very critical soul searching. How you are surviving right now, I have no idea.
    Sending you so much love. If you ever need anything, please let me know.

    • Thank you. I had not really thought of it like that but when you reflect it all back at me it does sound a bit much. I have felt a drowning sensation of late but thankfully have managed to keep treading water. Thank you so much for your love and support. It means more than you know.

  2. I find that 60 to 40mg doesn’t feel that dramatic, but from 20mg to zero I have to taper very slowly, 5 or even just 2.5mg at a time, and I hold at 10mg for 3-4 weeks or I “flare”–that’s just me though. XOXO

    • Me too. Thank you, MLACS. Dr. B explained that our bodies can snd should generate the equivalent of 20 mg daily and that when we wean off the drug below 20 mg it takes time for our bodies to make up the difference. So your and my reactions if weaning too fast make total sense to me.

  3. Oh my! I’m not even sure what to say but I will start with the fact that my own journey has been heavily weighted by the emotional side of things. You gotta go there for your own sake and for your family’s. If you ever need someone to chat with, I’m always hear with open ears and no judgement. Sending much love and light to you.

    • Thank you. I feel rather sad about how things are and a little overwhelmed about how to tend to them. The LP is a master of avoid, deny and shut down when overwhelmed and/or stressed (as we both are right now) which does not make engaging compassion for him and myself any easier. My marriage, me and the LP need me to do this work however. I feel the most ill-equipped I ever have to begin the task right now though. And yet it must be done. Maybe after a few days on less steroids I will sleep a little and feel more capable.

      I truly hope this transfer is successful and brings your dream home to you. Thank you for sending your support when you are yourself in the midst of a key moment on your journey. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

  4. You’ve got a lot on your plate so remember to be forgiving as you sort through your feelings and reflections on the past few years. Also, I was previa at 17 weeks, but now, at almost 36 weeks, it’s moved. My MFM dr put me on pelvic rest, but my OB didn’t think it was necessary. Either way, 4 weeks ago, at my last u/s, the placenta was 1.5 cm from my cervix. I will find out tomorrow if it’s moved up more (fingers crossed!). My point is, don’t worry too much about the placenta’s position at this point. You’ve got plenty of time for it to move!

  5. I’ve been soul searching a lot lately too, mainly about my marriage. There is so much I’d like to write, but I have a lot of real-life followers and I’m just not sure how much I want to share just yet. That said, I continue to be surprised as how greatly this experience alters relationships. And I’ll be the first to admit that lately I have not been the greatest wife to my husband. I’d really like to work on this in the coming months, but I’m a bit at a loss for even how to start. Why isn’t there a book with directions??? 🙂

    • I can relate to this so much. I think even at a very basic level it is hard for us while we are struggling through the day to day of infertility, loss and pregnancy to make space for our spouses and their experience of each of those things. And I think because they are not the one experiencing each procedure and discomfort first hand they also take a backseat. I don’t exactly know where to start either except to open up the space to invite myself to share what he has to say even if I do not like to hear it and to muster up compassion for his perspective and feelings. Easier said than done!

      • So very true that it’s easier said than done. In my past attempts to really talk to Eric about issues, our conversations have ended with hurtful statements, from both parties. Eric and I are both so independent, we both expect so much from a spouse. It’s so hard to step back and try to truly be there for the other when sometimes that means allowing your own feelings, needs, wants, etc. to take a backseat… I basically suck at compromise, although I realize it’s so important in marriage. In my past though, compromise has meant neither part gets what they want in the end. I’m not sure how to change my outlook on that.

        • I can’t remember: Do you guys ever see a counsellor or know someone you could see? The LP and I needed a third party to help us break the defensive and other bad patterns borne of our respective abusive past relationships and our A-type personalities. Even now the safest place for the LP to explore difficult feelings is when we are with out counsellor. I learn more about him at those appointments sometimes than I do in months or years together and thankfully we have enough trust with her that I am also more open to hearing without judging or feeling judged when we are there. It has made a huge difference in our ability and willingness to talk and take risks in our own communications over the years too. I know not everyone is open to this but I offer it as a thought you might want to consider for this stuff. Even if you want to go alone though I think there is real value in getting help from an expert in building bridges with those we love and want in our lives for a long time to come.

        • I’ve done quite a bit of therapy on my own, and before we even got married Eric and I went to see someone together. The experience wasn’t good though, as the therapist picked sides, mainly Eric’s. So Eric got out of those visits that he is right in our arguments and I am wrong, which he still brings up from time to time now. And of course, when I suggested we see someone new, someone who wouldn’t pick sides, he said I was only doing that to find someone who would agree with me, which wasn’t true at all. I’m not sure I could convince Eric to try it again with a different therapist…

        • Hmn. If you can’t “convince” him I wonder whatthat says about his level of commitment to building your relationship in a healthy way going forward. It may simply be a matter of approaching it in a way that takes it outside of view. For example we are having a new baby and are going to face new challenges in a new home and new place with your new job and our new roles as parents? if he is not open to that I think you have a bigger issue but in my heart I really believe he might be up. If you can frame it in a way that is not about either of you getting a free passso much as a way of developing communication skills that will help you in your relationship to each other and to your daughter. My partner is very resistant to change and very concerned about being judged so I sympathize with the pushback. We had a counselor to totally sided with him as well and it was devastating to our relationship until we figured it out and moved on to someone that could hear from both of us. I am very sorry you had that experience together.

        • I know, I have thought that if he won’t put in the time than we really have bigger issues. I think in his mind though he doesn’t have time from 8-5 when most therapists work to attend a weekly appointment, and I realize he can’t just take off whenever he wants. I feel stuck.

        • I could not attend weekly either. And there are therapist to work evening which is when we used to have all of our appointments. I hope that if you decide this is something that you could both benefit from that you will be able to find someone that can work with your schedule and be realistic about the time commitment because I think healing is a marathon not a race and weekly appointment can sometimes be too much for many people other then when we are in crisis. You are definitely not a crisis and I hope the two of you never find yourself there!!

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