Versatile Blogger Award (and long overdue update)

I’m baaaack!


The primary purpose of this post is to express my gratitude to my sister bloggers, My Perfect Breakdown, A Calm Persistence and Planting Beans for nominating me for the Versatile Blogger Award. I am deeply honoured to be recognized for this award by these three incredible, courageous women. The LP also thanks each of you for nominating me. He occasionally reads my blog and thinks it’s not half bad.

I will get deeper into the Award below but first… a wee update.

I have been taking a bit of an unannounced break from blogging lately. There was no specific reason apart from life getting the better of me, my being in something of a funk, and having no good news to report (I grow so weary of feeling as though all I do is complain about our crappy luck or my ridiculous immune system or yet another complication or trip to L&D).

I am almost 25 weeks and since dropping my Prednisone dose I’ve had regular bouts of the nausea a la morning sickness that higher steroid doses apparently spared me earlier in this pregnancy. Lucky me! I also had another occasion to visit L&D to get a bunch of tests done when my Lovenox injections sites would not stop bleeding, I had daily headaches and Petichae (bleeding under the skin). I emailed Dr. Braverman and asked if I could wait 6 days to see my OB but he said not this time. I needed to rule out HELLP Syndrome and preeclampsia given the symptoms. All tests came back normal thankfully, baby was busy and fetal heart rate was normal. This past week I saw my OB and he advised against any air travel or any travel that would take me any significant distance from a hospital with quality urgent care in light of my various placental issues. So much for my trip to Phoenix this weekend. And any other trip until baby shows up, apparently.

Other than these hiccups, things are chugging along. I’m sick of worrying and the endless exhaustion and wishing I could fall asleep and wake up some time after 34 weeks with only a little time left to go and everything chugging along smoothly. Of course that is not going to happen so I hope to pull out of this funk soon and embrace the roller coaster that is this pregnancy and journey to hold Azulito(a) in our arms. May it end well and not too soon…

And now for more about the Versatile Blogger Award!

First, the rules (because you know how much I love rules):

1. Post the award on your blog. (See above)
2. Thank the person who nominated you. (See above)
3. Share seven facts about yourself. (See below)
4. Nominate 15 blogs. (15 is a big number… See below for a shorter list)
5. List the nominees and let them know (See below)

Seven Facts About Me

1. I am a lousy swimmer.

2. I second-guess my parenting regularly and suffer from guilt, shame and heartache over my endless screw-ups and shortcomings as a mother. I cannot imagine anyone who truly loves their kids saying they are a perfect parent yet I know two women who claim that status. It is the hardest job in the world to me. I cannot even fathom considering myself approaching a level associated with perfection, no matter how many more years I try and how hard I practice being what I would consider a good parent. I believe this means I may one day be a good parent. I know it means I love the child(ren) with which I’ve been blessed. But damn, it’s hard and deeply humbling work!

3. I was terrified that I would be triggered by breastfeeding the first (and only, to date) time I carried a pregnancy to term. I was sexually abused as a child and I was so scared that the dependency and physicality of breastfeeding would send me in a tailspin. I was also scared that I would not be able to nurse and then I’d feel like a monumental failure because maybe that was the result of the abuse, too. I was so fortunate to have chosen a Doula who was also a lactation consultant with decades of experience and to have given birth to a son who seemed to know just what to do the second he slithered out of my body and into this world. Now my worries about breastfeeding revolve around a novel issue – will I mess up this baby if (God willing) I can nurse her/him by passing on some part of my crappy immunological issues to her/him? There is always something.

4. I came to my current profession relatively late in life. I sometimes wonder if it’s the right one for me, not because I lack skill or competency but because I work too much, feel underproductive and disorganized (which leads to spending even more time at work to meet billable hour targets), and seem to have no time left for self-care and development after work and parenting. (See above about my current funk…) I sometimes think I am incapable of being happy in a career for any great length of time no matter what I do. Maybe work is not about being happy?

5. I hate winter. Enough said.

6. I miss my Mom. Heaps. She has been gone 10 years now and yet rather than my sadness over her absence diminishing, it has increased in recent years – specifically since we had our first pregnancy in 2010 and our first loss (the same pregnancy) in early 2011, more so when the Miracle Toddler was born and in the months that followed and especially in the months leading up to and during this pregnancy. Somehow my Mom is connected to Azulito(a). I do not know how, but I believe there is some connection and it reinvigorated the notable absence of my Mom’s physical presence in my life. I wish she were here to meet her grandchildren. I wish they could meet her. My mom and I had a rather challenging relationship in my childhood, fought bitterly in my teenage and early adult years, reconciled in my late 20s and then became very close when I returned from living in Mexico to help her with her foster children while she underwent surgery. Then she got cancer and diagnosed with congestive heart failure at about the same time and from there years of suffering and her eventual death followed. Life can be so merciless. Now, here I am, a decade later, wishing she were here. And so it goes.

7. I have an incurable weakness for dark chocolate. It’s shameful, really.

My Nominations

I am going to limit my nominees to bloggers who have not already been nominated for and accepted this award (to my knowledge at least). That means I had trouble coming up with 15 so you’ll just have to accept my shortcomings in this department too.

1. The quintessentially versatile blogger award from my perspective must go to My OBT (One Beautiful Thing). I don’t expect her to accept as she keeps herself dreadfully busy coming up with daily posts on a vast array of subjects but I do hope you check out her blog nevertheless. It has nothing to do with pregnancy loss or fertility and everything to do with beauty and the daily pursuit thereof in the name of healing and self care (I know this because I asked her and I hope I’m not breaching a confidence in saying so).

2. Next up is Journey in the Woods. Jasmine is one of the most genuine writers I have encountered on the web. I don’t think she could write other than from the heart if she tried. While a common thread weaves her posts together, there is tremendous versatility in the angles from which she examines her journey through (and into) the woods.

3. From fertility, fine art and rescue Mastiffs to apartment-plumbing fiascos, Hooded Spirits definitely deserves a Versatile Blogger Award. She and her partner are happen to be two of the most awesome people in the Universe.

4. The author of Just Another Infertility Blog has been on a spiritual journey of awakening of late and is now about to uproot and relocate from the Big Apple as she embarks on IVF cycle #7. Please stop by and send her your good wishes.

5. From the entertainment industry to baking and cooking to blow-by-blow account of IVF cycles with immune issues, Plan B Chronicles also epitomizes blogging versatility.

6. It is a humble pleasure to nominate the blogger of Sophia’s Story for her honest, sometimes devastating accounts of lives lost and – hopefully – a new little life on the way. Her writing is candid, thoughtful and thought-provoking and the inspiration behind her blog simply beautiful.

20 thoughts on “Versatile Blogger Award (and long overdue update)

  1. First and foremost, I am so sorry you are still struggling through this pregnancy. Clearly your body is working unbelievably hard to grow this baby to be big and strong, and clearly this baby is also a little fighter working just as hard!! I really hope the universe gives you and baby a break, as you both clearly need one!
    Secondly, I’m thrilled the award got you back on your blog! I am with you on 5, 6, and 7. Like you, I miss my mom every single day and in recent times I feel as though I miss her more then I did for years.
    Third, if you need to complain, a blog is a great place to do it. We all love you and will undoubtedly support you through all the complaining you can dish out.

    • Thank you. It is hard not to worry about sounding ungrateful when complaining. Plus I don’t want to dwell on the crappy stuff or go back to fighting my body tooth and nail. But I do so appreciate the love and support from you and others here – at all times and especially when I am feeling low. It truly does help.

      • Personally, I really don’t believe you are sounding ungrateful. In my mind, it’s clear that you are beyond grateful for this pregnancy, but you are also justifiably frustrated with the challenges you are constantly facing. With everything you have faced and are facing, it only makes sense that you are feeling low.
        As an aside, you are not the first blogger I’ve heard say that they feel bad for complaining while pregnant after everything they’ve been through, and this notion drives me crazy. I firmly believe pregnancy is not easy (probably because none of my pregnancies have been easy), and everyone should be entitled to talk about their challenges. If someone else out there isn’t comfortable with that conversation then they have the choice not to read.

  2. I’m sorry that things haven’t been great lately, but I’m glad that everything is okay with Azulito/a. I’m always very glad to hear from you. I also enjoyed learning more about you. ❤

  3. Hi there I’m sorry to hear that you have still had been going through your ups and downs but happy baby is doing well. I hope the rest of the pregnancy gets easier. I wanted to give you an update. I’m pregnant and today going for my third beta and feel bat crazy with emotions. After so many failure I guess during pregnancy your allowed to have a crazy bad night. Wishing you well!!

      • Thank you so much!! I’m very excited but infertility tries to steal your joy… Just trying to focus and keep calm that third beta will be where its supposed to be.. Definitely will keep in touch.. Waiting to hear when your baby arrives safely to mama!!

        • I wanted to give you a quick update from the other day. Maybe you can gI’ve me hope. When you did your beta do you recall your numbers mine were 37-90-179. Now the 179 was 4 days later and they like it at 300. My nurse felt at that time that she needed to state I maybe having an ectopic pregnancy. Of course I have been a basket case sense hearing this possible news. I go in tomorrow for my last beta? Any insight into this.. I’m praying and fight for baby.. thanks

        • First of all beta numbers can be all over the place. Without knowing how many days past ovulation you were for each of those betas it is hard for me to say. When numbers don’t double as expected ectopic is always a risk. I can’t tell you how sorry IM that this is happening and causing you such worry. I would still going fast to help personally but I would be asking for another betaand an early ultrasound. Please also watch carefully for any symptoms of an ectopic pregnancyand don’t be shy about going to the ER or your clinic if you experience any. As for my numbers they were very high then doubled more slowly then resumed doubling very fast so I suspect I lost the second embryo somewhere in the middle of all that. As such I do not believe they are a good comparison to your situation.

    • Thank you. That is very kind of you to say. I’m sorry about your mom. Motherhood really tugs on the heart strings on so many fronts, doesn’t it? I’ve been thinking of you and hoping you are all figuring each other and things out without too many major hiccups.

      • We are doing better! Back to EBF on demand and they are both sleeping with us probably until they don’t eat at night anymore which might be a long ways off – and that is okay. The more “control” I give up, the better things seem to be – that and I try to remember their smiles when they are crying 🙂 Hope you get several more weeks of keeping your little one safe

        • I cannot tell you how glad I am to read this. What a relief to know you have found a groove. That’s the same thing that worked for us ultimately – people may judge but ignore them. You guys know best.

          Thanks for the good wishes. I hope so too.

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