The primary purpose of this post is to express my gratitude to my sister bloggers, My Perfect Breakdown, A Calm Persistence and Planting Beans for nominating me for the Versatile Blogger Award. I am deeply honoured to be recognized for this award by these three incredible, courageous women. The LP also thanks each of you for nominating me. He occasionally reads my blog and thinks it’s not half bad.
I will get deeper into the Award below but first… a wee update.
I have been taking a bit of an unannounced break from blogging lately. There was no specific reason apart from life getting the better of me, my being in something of a funk, and having no good news to report (I grow so weary of feeling as though all I do is complain about our crappy luck or my ridiculous immune system or yet another complication or trip to L&D).
I am almost 25 weeks and since dropping my Prednisone dose I’ve had regular bouts of the nausea a la morning sickness that higher steroid doses apparently spared me earlier in this pregnancy. Lucky me! I also had another occasion to visit L&D to get a bunch of tests done when my Lovenox injections sites would not stop bleeding, I had daily headaches and Petichae (bleeding under the skin). I emailed Dr. Braverman and asked if I could wait 6 days to see my OB but he said not this time. I needed to rule out HELLP Syndrome and preeclampsia given the symptoms. All tests came back normal thankfully, baby was busy and fetal heart rate was normal. This past week I saw my OB and he advised against any air travel or any travel that would take me any significant distance from a hospital with quality urgent care in light of my various placental issues. So much for my trip to Phoenix this weekend. And any other trip until baby shows up, apparently.
Other than these hiccups, things are chugging along. I’m sick of worrying and the endless exhaustion and wishing I could fall asleep and wake up some time after 34 weeks with only a little time left to go and everything chugging along smoothly. Of course that is not going to happen so I hope to pull out of this funk soon and embrace the roller coaster that is this pregnancy and journey to hold Azulito(a) in our arms. May it end well and not too soon…
And now for more about the Versatile Blogger Award!
First, the rules (because you know how much I love rules):
1. Post the award on your blog. (See above)
2. Thank the person who nominated you. (See above)
3. Share seven facts about yourself. (See below)
4. Nominate 15 blogs. (15 is a big number… See below for a shorter list)
5. List the nominees and let them know (See below)
Seven Facts About Me
1. I am a lousy swimmer.
2. I second-guess my parenting regularly and suffer from guilt, shame and heartache over my endless screw-ups and shortcomings as a mother. I cannot imagine anyone who truly loves their kids saying they are a perfect parent yet I know two women who claim that status. It is the hardest job in the world to me. I cannot even fathom considering myself approaching a level associated with perfection, no matter how many more years I try and how hard I practice being what I would consider a good parent. I believe this means I may one day be a good parent. I know it means I love the child(ren) with which I’ve been blessed. But damn, it’s hard and deeply humbling work!
3. I was terrified that I would be triggered by breastfeeding the first (and only, to date) time I carried a pregnancy to term. I was sexually abused as a child and I was so scared that the dependency and physicality of breastfeeding would send me in a tailspin. I was also scared that I would not be able to nurse and then I’d feel like a monumental failure because maybe that was the result of the abuse, too. I was so fortunate to have chosen a Doula who was also a lactation consultant with decades of experience and to have given birth to a son who seemed to know just what to do the second he slithered out of my body and into this world. Now my worries about breastfeeding revolve around a novel issue – will I mess up this baby if (God willing) I can nurse her/him by passing on some part of my crappy immunological issues to her/him? There is always something.
4. I came to my current profession relatively late in life. I sometimes wonder if it’s the right one for me, not because I lack skill or competency but because I work too much, feel underproductive and disorganized (which leads to spending even more time at work to meet billable hour targets), and seem to have no time left for self-care and development after work and parenting. (See above about my current funk…) I sometimes think I am incapable of being happy in a career for any great length of time no matter what I do. Maybe work is not about being happy?
5. I hate winter. Enough said.
6. I miss my Mom. Heaps. She has been gone 10 years now and yet rather than my sadness over her absence diminishing, it has increased in recent years – specifically since we had our first pregnancy in 2010 and our first loss (the same pregnancy) in early 2011, more so when the Miracle Toddler was born and in the months that followed and especially in the months leading up to and during this pregnancy. Somehow my Mom is connected to Azulito(a). I do not know how, but I believe there is some connection and it reinvigorated the notable absence of my Mom’s physical presence in my life. I wish she were here to meet her grandchildren. I wish they could meet her. My mom and I had a rather challenging relationship in my childhood, fought bitterly in my teenage and early adult years, reconciled in my late 20s and then became very close when I returned from living in Mexico to help her with her foster children while she underwent surgery. Then she got cancer and diagnosed with congestive heart failure at about the same time and from there years of suffering and her eventual death followed. Life can be so merciless. Now, here I am, a decade later, wishing she were here. And so it goes.
7. I have an incurable weakness for dark chocolate. It’s shameful, really.
I am going to limit my nominees to bloggers who have not already been nominated for and accepted this award (to my knowledge at least). That means I had trouble coming up with 15 so you’ll just have to accept my shortcomings in this department too.
1. The quintessentially versatile blogger award from my perspective must go to My OBT (One Beautiful Thing). I don’t expect her to accept as she keeps herself dreadfully busy coming up with daily posts on a vast array of subjects but I do hope you check out her blog nevertheless. It has nothing to do with pregnancy loss or fertility and everything to do with beauty and the daily pursuit thereof in the name of healing and self care (I know this because I asked her and I hope I’m not breaching a confidence in saying so).
2. Next up is Journey in the Woods. Jasmine is one of the most genuine writers I have encountered on the web. I don’t think she could write other than from the heart if she tried. While a common thread weaves her posts together, there is tremendous versatility in the angles from which she examines her journey through (and into) the woods.
3. From fertility, fine art and rescue Mastiffs to apartment-plumbing fiascos, Hooded Spirits definitely deserves a Versatile Blogger Award. She and her partner are happen to be two of the most awesome people in the Universe.
4. The author of Just Another Infertility Blog has been on a spiritual journey of awakening of late and is now about to uproot and relocate from the Big Apple as she embarks on IVF cycle #7. Please stop by and send her your good wishes.
5. From the entertainment industry to baking and cooking to blow-by-blow account of IVF cycles with immune issues, Plan B Chronicles also epitomizes blogging versatility.
6. It is a humble pleasure to nominate the blogger of Sophia’s Story for her honest, sometimes devastating accounts of lives lost and – hopefully – a new little life on the way. Her writing is candid, thoughtful and thought-provoking and the inspiration behind her blog simply beautiful.