The Unbearable Silence of Being

I apologize for my silence of late. I have been struggling quietly – mostly – and mostly alone with some things for some time. I continue to do so. 

Doing so makes it very challenging for me to blog as these things affect my soul as a parent, as a survivor of infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss. I have been described as a “straight road” – you see what you get and can see where I’m coming from and going – by a close longtime friend. It is difficult for me to engage my candour and feel whole and thus to write from my heart here when my insides are being eaten up with preoccupations about which I cannot write. At least not here. Funny how that is. 

In case you are wondering: Baby Azulito is flourishing. The Miracle Toddler is still testing some limits and sharing what can on occasion only be described as “too much love” with his baby brother. I have healed from the physical effects of two major abdominal surgeries within about a week of each other in June and I continue to have a very hard time staying asleep and continue to endure strange frequent and unsettling dreams almost four months after baby A’s birth. The finances are still a dog’s breakfast (my commitment not to curse on this blog makes a more accurate description challenging). 

I am also experiencing quite profound joint pain which I am inclined to blame on the high daily doses of oral prednisone along with the daily low molecular weight heparin injections I took before and during almost the entirety of baby A’s pregnancy. Both of those drugs rob our bodies of absorbable calcium. I took higher than usual doses of calcium supplements but clearly that was not enough. I need to start taking calcium again. Some mornings it feels as though I have aged 47 years since the summer of 2014.  Yet another unanticipated cost of trying to have another living child. Go figure. 
I cannot presently write here about what is troubling me so I imagine my relative blogging silence will persist. And so, my friends, is how life goes sometimes. 

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23 thoughts on “The Unbearable Silence of Being

  1. I’m sorry to hear you can’t write about what is plaguing your mind and soul, but I do hope you have *someone * you can process with, and that peace comes to your life soon. ❤

  2. I’m sorry to hear your having a hard time right now.. Sending you prayers for peace and strength.. A little update.. Our donor will start the end of this month. It’s funny I was so worried we were delayed but I’m at peace for this delay.. On BCP now then Lupron.. Almost game time.. Remember one day at a time u will get there.

  3. I’m happy to hear that the boys are doing well. I’m sorry to hear that you’re struggling with some stuff that you can’t share on here. I hope that you’re not taking this on by yourself, and that you are getting some support from somewhere. Please reach out to me if you need someone to talk with, or for anything. You’ve been such an amazing support for us.

  4. Thinking of you. Your plate piled high this summer. As you are able just start removing one thing at a time until you can see the bottom. We are sending love and thinking of you.

  5. Been curious how you’ve been doing. Sorry to hear you’re still having a tough time in some areas. Let me know if you ever want to chat outside of this space.

  6. I am happy to hear that the MT and A are doing well, but I am sorry to hear that other matters are troubling you. I hope that these troubles pass soon, whatever they may be, and that you find some peace. You’ve been through so much physically and emotionally and I hope you are able to take some time for you and to be kind to yourself. xxx.

  7. Sorry to hear that you continue to struggle and that you’re not at liberty to disclose and seek support here. Sending love your way, xo

  8. Sending your heart and soul renewing love and strength to rise above whatever is troubling you. Although you may not know, your resilience and courage to push past recurrent loss to have your dream of another child realized has inspired many, myself included. The ability to give others such hope shows the depth of your fabulousness. You are brave. You are strong. You will rebound. Until then, be easy on yourself and know you are loved. xo

  9. Namaste my dear friend. I was prompted to transmit these mindful words of Thich Nhat Hanh (from his teaching “The Sun Always Shines”): When it is raining, we think that there is no sunshine. But if we fly in an airplane and go through the clouds, we rediscover the sunshine again. We see that the sunshine is always there. In a time of anger or despair, our love is also still there. Our capacity to communicate, to forgive, to be compassionate is still there. You have to believe this. We are more than our anger; we are more than our suffering. We must recognize that we do have within us the capacity to love, to understand, to be compassionate. If you know this, then when it rains you won’t be desperate. You know that the rain is there, but the sunshine is still there somewhere. Soon the rain will stop, and the sun will shine again. Have hope. If you can remind yourself that the positive elements are still present within you and the other person, you will know that it is possible to break through, so that the best things in both of you can come up and manifest again.” I hope that these words bring some comfort to you in this difficult time. May the energy of mindfulness protect you.and keep you safe. Hari Om. Shanti Shanti Shanti. Peace Peace Peace.
    Alex

  10. Hey Girlie !! I continue to cover you in prayer. Things may look bleak, but they are bound to turn around. It is hard to accept, but we can’t pray for rain and then not want to deal with the mud so to speak. What we must do is change our outlooks on circumstances presenting themselves in our lives. It is nothing more than a test of our faith. God has got you ! With the birth of that beautiful boy after ALL the hell you have endured of late, He has continually proven that fact, yet you still doubt. No matter what it looks like, STILL trust and believe ! Faith is trusting God to work it out even when it looks like He has forsaken you. Don’t tell your God how big your mountain is, tell your mountain how big you God is ! All things work together for the good of them that love the Lord. He said ALL things… not some things ! I implore you to start reading and meditating on the Word given in the book of James. Keep your head up kiddo and focus on the good. It is not your battle so give it to the one equipped to fight it ! Xoxoxoxoxoxo

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