The Cat has my Tongue

I don’t know how to write these days. I don’t know what to say. It all seems so trivial. Or repetitive. 

There has been a huge upheaval in lives very close to mine and that of my family and it has kept me awake at night for months and in regular tears for weeks. My heart has broken and rebroken more times than I could count or care to remember as I’ve stood witness to another’s shattered life and heart. 

There really are no words to do any of this justice. And in my dedication and compassion I feel fiercely protective. So protective I cannot write. About much of anything. Or much of anything that matters. 

Because of this turn of events I feel I owe you all some sort of apology and explanation. You’re welcome to the former. The latter is off-limits beyond what I’ve said above for the reasons I alluded to above. I am sorry. I mean it. I truly am. 

I return to paid work next Tuesday. I am miserable about it. To celebrate the misery (see above) or elicit a departure from it I paid someone to lop off most of my hair. I’m not sure I like it but I don’t hate it and if you ask the LP that’s a good start. It’s only hair. Right?

I’m still having catastrophic nightmares and terrible wake-up-and-cannot-fall-back-asleep insomnia. I wonder how that will function with my return to work? Maybe I will get fired for falling asleep at my desk. Worse things could happen I suppose. 

As far as good news goes baby A is happy and healthy and busy as can be. The Miracle Toddler is a doting brother and a holy terror, often in the same breath. I feel hopelessly inept but eternally blessed to be their mother. 

And on that heartfelt note of gratitude, adieu and Happy Thanksgiving to my American pals. 

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18 thoughts on “The Cat has my Tongue

  1. “To celebrate the misery (see above) or elicit a departure from it I paid someone to lop off most of my hair. I’m not sure I like it but I don’t hate it and if you ask the LP that’s a good start. It’s only hair. Right?” Well, since you asked – it’s far more than hair. It actually isn’t hair at all. If you had said you “got a new hairstyle” or “new haircut”, all very short, that would be happiness. A woman “lopping off most of her hair” is tapping into a symbol of mourning. And not to jump off the cliff entirely, here, but your phrasing of “paying someone to do it” suggests a form of self-punishment. “I paid someone to chop off all my beautiful womanly hair. I deserved this.” Not – “I got the cutest new haircut! Now the little ones can’t grab it and pull!” You can’t celebrate misery. Why are you trying to? And cutting off your hair won’t help you depart from it – if anything your shorn locks will only memorialize it. If I could only somehow help you to stop being so hard on yourself!!

    • I am glad the hair is gone actually. I just feel very lost and yet not at the moment. I know what I want but cannot have it. Hard to explain in the circumstances. Thanks for giving me something to think about. I didn’t think I was being hard on myself. I suppose that tenor comes from the sheer depth of grief I’m witnessing and experiencing myself?

  2. Goodness, there’s a lot of heavy emotions going on in your world right now. I remember the feeling of dread about going back to work so, so well. I do hope the transition is smooth on you and your family.

    I’m sorry to hear about the heartbreak that someone in your life is experiencing. Bearing witness to someone’s pain is an agony in itself. I hope you’re being gentle with your heart. You’re so loving and such a *feeler* – it’s important to take care of your heart, too!

    I am sure your haircut looks amazing. Wish we could see it!

    • Yes this is a particularly excruciating kind of grief too. I think you would be able to relate actually.

      The hair will take some getting used to but part of that is the fact that my hair has gotten curly during and after this latest pregnancy (it got wavy after the MT too – what’s up with that?) so it’s kind of unfamiliar territory as far as styling goes. It’s an inverted short bob. So it’s a bit of a wild mess. 😉 and I have bangs for the first time since I was about 12 I think. All new. The LP likes it. The MT cried and acted like I was a stranger but funnily enough my hair now kind of looks like his!

  3. The hair cutting seems to be a trend right now with new Mommas. I’ve been contemplating getting rid of my length but haven’t had the nerve to actually do it yet. Hope your transition back to work goes as smoothly as possible. Sending lots of love your way.

  4. I cut all my hair off (myself!) about 18 months ago. I had to get a hairdresser to tidy it up. I didn’t hate it either but I think it was a weird kind of ‘protest’ at what was going on in my world at the time. It has since grown back (good how hair does that), and I am much happier with it now. I don’t know what you are facing but it sounds like it is taking its toll on you. I do hope you are able to draw your family around you and take strength from that love for them. You cannot ease another person’s pain. Nor are you responsible for it. And going back to work is horrible. Both times I went through such misery beforehand. The actuality wasn’t as bad as my imaginings though. Wishing you a peaceful and content thanksgiving. Be gentle on yourself xxxxx

  5. Oh my heart aches knowing your maternity leave is coming to an end. I’ll be sending you strength and love and warmth from afar. Tomorrow as I give thanks, know I am grateful to walk this journey of motherhood with you. From the very beginning, our babes have been connected. xo

  6. Hair always grows back – be sure (or make time) to have fun with it! Agreed on the good start. But am sorry to hear about the lack of good sleep and night terrors. Those are hard things on the body and mind during daylight hours. Sure there’s some relation to all that’s going on. Chocolate covered espresso beans at the office for munching?!

    • That’s a great idea! I’ll have to go get some of those for next week. The hair is a relief honestly. Still trying to figure it out since it’s gotten more wavy-curly with each living kid’s pregnancy.

  7. Oh, my dear. My heart is aching for you after reading this. It sounds like you are in a dark place right now. I wish I could just reach out and help pull you up and out of it, back into a lighter and more peaceful place.

    My transition back to work with the second child was far, far harder than with the first. You would think it would be the opposite, but it wasn’t. I don’t know what all you are going through, but the timing is especially hard.

    I know you said you don’t feel compelled to write, but would forcing yourself to write about what’s going on be helpful at all? You would not have to publish or share it with anyone. Just do it for yourself. Just as an outlet.

    Regardless, know that there are so many of us out here who love and care about you! We wish you well. Maybe even by the time you see this things will have improved a bit. Because, as usual, I’m late in responding. This time due to a nasty stomach virus that has taken hold of my family for the past several days. Blech.

    Anyway, I’m thinking of you and sending you love. 🙂

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