Not in the Cards

So. We had our consult with Dr. Hudson at VFC. The LP and I both liked him. 

The good news: He is prepared to work with Dr. Braverman if we want to try again. But. He’s not prepared to be the prescribing physician and was candid about his discomfort about with the steroid dosages I was on and the aggressive protocol and were I his daughter in my current circumstances he would have concerns about the inherent risks. I believe I said “fair comment” several times. Or thought it as many times as I verbalized. 

He raised a number of risks and concerns given my history, my age, the fact we have more to lose now – all of which I had considered but which the LP clearly had not (even though they were on my “cons” list which we had shared). 

On the whole it was a very sobering and emotionally exhausting experience. I felt as though I’d been punched in the gut. And the heart. 

I think it’s fair to say we’ve each been grieving and feeling quite low ever since. For different reasons. And one common reason. 

I’ve had a few hard cries holding baby A, owning that he is the last baby of mine I will ever carry, hold, raise. I’ve been numb and quietly aching for the most part. Tears have shuffled down my face the entire time it has taken me to write this. 

So it goes. 
There will be no baby sister (or brother) for the MT. 

I will not have any more children. 

I haven’t even bothered telling the LP that to “work with” Dr. Braverman another doctor must be the prescribing physician. Game over. Hudson is out of the equation even if we wanted to gamble with the risks. 

And I will never forget that the risks to me were the scariest part of baby A’s pregnancy for the LP so he would not be on board. Period.

This has been a tough post to write and I cannot even touch into the myriad of feelings I am stuffing down about it all right now (I need my game face on at work this week after all). Suffice to say I’m hurting. I’m sad. And I’m trying to let go. Again. Forever this time. 

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61 thoughts on “Not in the Cards

  1. I can’t imagine how sad you must feel right now. Having another baby as a possibility on the horizon and then having that hope dashed in a single visit must’ve been really, really hard. What are the risks the doctor was concerned about? Are they new risks or the same risked you faced with baby A? Is there no way that De. B’s office can prescribe the meds, and then you get all the actual procedures done with this other doctor? I don’t know, I’m sure you’ve thought about this all already. Sending hugs. Xoxo.

      • This might be very naive, but these sound like risks of any pregnancy. And if there are no new risks, and you are understanding of the risks before you take any steps, there is a part of me that wants to say “so what?”

        • Yes. I agree. Except I’m at elevated risk because of my crap genetic (immune) makeup AND because of the aggressive protocol Dr. B advocates for me. The other risks include stroke and I know someone with immune issues who had that during her recent pregnancy. It’s a matter of risk tolerance when you have two kids, a job you need to pay the bills all this has created and will create and an older spouse. If I die or get seriously disabled in the process where does that leave my kids and their Dad? That’s where the LP has panic attacks. Literally. Hence the non starter bit for him. For me it’s a non starter to go to Dr. B for a new fresh cycle even with a known volunteer donor (which has been offered to us but LP is not keen). The cost is simply unmanageable. Hence my wish to work with someone closer and in Cdn dollars. The current ~40% increase for us paying USD is killer on top of the already high price tag.

  2. I’m so sorry to hear that your feeling sad and the doctor was not on board.. Wishing you strength during this time. Prayers for you.. 🙏FYI… We have our doctors appointment tomorrow we will see what will be in our next step.. If we will proceed with egg and sperm donor. 🙏

  3. I know this sadness, and I am so sad for you as well. In all honesty, only a great deal of time – along with talks with a great therapist – has helped me to heal. XO.

    • Yes. I know I have work to do to heal. To be honest I want to throw a f**ing brick at healing and grieving by this point. I am so tired of all the hurt and ache and doors slamming in my face. Some days I wish we could upcycle our bodies for properly functioning models or in my case at least a model with the genetic makeup not to attack each and every pregnancy.

  4. Oh, my friend. I’m so sorry to hear this. It’s one thing to soul search and come to the conclusion that your family is complete but another thing entirely to basically have that decided for you. I’m so very, very sorry.

    Take what time you need to mourn. Allow yourself that. Let the tears and the emotions out. It’s all valid. And know that we mourn and cry along with you.

    Time does heal, and I know you will find your peace with this – at the right time, when it’s time. Savor your moments with your boys as you mourn and heal.

    My Peanut still asks about having another baby in our family. I have told her that our family is just the right size as it is. But she, in her 6 year old innocence of not knowing where babies really come from, comes back with comments like, “But maybe there’s a baby in your belly right now, and you don’t even know it! It just, you know, happens.You just start to feel it.” (shrugging her shoulders)

  5. I am sorry that you have come to this conclusion. Maybe in a few months, something will change. This is a time that I wished I could just win the damned powerball so that you could take a year leave of absence from work and just go to NY with the kids and treat with Braverman !! I know how much this has to hurt and I’m enveloping you in hugs and prayers !! Xoxo

  6. I’m so sorry, my friend. It sucks to have the decision made for you. We aren’t having any more either, but I am not ready to get rid of (or donate) our remaining 4 embryos, so I’m paying for another year of storage. I feel like there’s so much baggage to deal with related to infertility, loss, and now closing doors…. I’m not exactly in your situation, but I can see the giant black cloud that hangs over you and dread having to deal with my own when the time comes. Many hugs.

  7. I am so sorry for you friend!😒. Risks of immune treatment protocol bieng known, i already stepped in to it with the intense desire to have a family. Did you have any side effects/ conditions due to immune treatment in orehnancy?. I am just curious. Hope you are doing ok.

    • I had side effects from the AI drugs yes. Plenty. But no serious complications because of them. I believe I avoided several more serious complications by taking some of the immunosuppressive drugs I was prescribed. But they have risks. Steroid risks are both to mom and baby; other drug risks are less well established because they haven’t been used and studied in a clinical research setting on a large scale in humans. It was worth it in my case given how things turned out but I won’t lie, it is hard on our bodies to take all those drugs and especially at high doses for long periods as I did.

  8. I’m so sorry sbch. What an awful meeting and an awful day. I wish I could suggest something or change something for you. Grieve hard and long, and then grab life and move forward. Sending you healing and happiness xxxxx

  9. I’m so sorry. I don’t know what to say. Letting go is not easy, especially with these circumstances and these life decisions that were made. I am thinking of you and wishing you much strength and light.

    • Thank you so much. I know you are (must be) wrestling with so many what ifs yourself… I would happily give up my chances if I could trade them for you having some. Sadly life does not work that way. I wish it did.

      Changing gears completely the MT and I ran into a boxer pup today and poured our hearts into her and she her 4-month old joie de vivre with us. I couldn’t help thinking of you.

  10. This was devastating to read. I won’t even attempt to respond with any positive spins or suggestions. Just feel your pain. I’m so sorry. ❤

  11. There comes a day in every woman’s life when they actually have to face that fact. Sometimes, the moment comes before we’ve had the chance to think about it. It’s just there. We are never prepared to understand that we won’t be mommies again, ’cause it just seemed like a possibility for so long. But if we think about it, how lucky are we to have gone through that experience? How many children does it take to fill a mother’s heart? The truth is… at one point, all our babies will grow up and we’ll all be missing the little ones we carried in our arms. It’s motherhood. It’s hard and emotional and time is cruel like that. I’m sorry to hear this, sweetie. =/ but you’re a strong mom – stronger than most of us- and I know you’ll be ok.

    • Yes I get that. But some of us choose to stop trying. And for some the choice is made by other than us. Besides… Last time I checked grieving and gratitude were not mutually exclusive. I am beyond grateful for the gift of motherhood both to my two living children and to the many who did not survive. Without them Odontoceti 

      • As I was saying… Without my two living children I would have no insight into the depth and breadth of my grief. Those two opened my heart in ways I never dreamed possible. Such is motherhood, yes.

    • Thank you very warmly. It’s sunk in and most days I am resigned and trying to view it through a lens of acceptance. Occasionally I can see it as an opportunity but most of the time it still feels hard. I suspect time will help this wound heal but it will be protracted have its ups and downs. You know?

  12. I just found your blog and relate so much to the past two posts. I’ve only had a few losses and two sons, but last month I lost a baby girl at almost 22 weeks. It has been…indescribably painful of a loss for so many reasons.

    I am now deciding coming to terms with what it would mean to have 2 instead of 3 kids. Feeling guilty for feeling sad since I have TWO HEALTHY KIDS when some people get none. Feeling sad at the idea of no more babies. Feeling heartbroken over the loss of our tiny daughter. And it pings around.

    Anyway, I relate. ❤

    • I am truly and deeply sorry for your recent loss of your daughter. Thank you for reading. You know I haven’t really known how or what to write after that lost post in the wake of the various feelings, thoughts and reckoning that has – as you say – been pinging around in my mind, heart, body. I hope you find peace amidst it all in time. I still hope that for me too.

  13. Just reading your blog for the first time, while I snuggle my napping miracle toddler and prepare for a meeting with my RE to discuss the possibility of number two. I know she’ll probably say it’s impossible, just like they said with number one. Trying to remember that my diagnosis and the stuff the doctor might say aren’t ME. I’m a momma now. That’s first. Best wishes, hope you got some help/someone to talk to.

    • Thank you. So true – our diagnoses or lack thereof do not define us. They sure can lead to feelings of failure and worthlessness and lots of suffering nonetheless though can’t they? I hope that second child calling to you find her/his way home too. Thank you for reading and for your kind words.

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