Where I have been

I do not know, really. Or I do. But it hurts to think, talk, write about. And so I don’t. Much. 

I’ve been here. But not. 

I’ve been grieving. Digesting. Processing. Trying to wrap my head and heart around “moving on”. And coming to terms with my hatred of that phrase. 

I’ve been frozen with terror by the persistent though thankfully far less frequent nightmares in which I lose one or the other of my two living children. The mind can be cruel. That much is clear. 

I’ve been taking inventory. Making mental checklists of the good things about never trying again to have another child. Silencing the desire – the longing, the ache – to bring home the baby girl I thought I would one day raise. Voicing and otherwise acknowledging the intense gratitude I feel for my two beautiful, amazing, spirited, challenging, life-changing boys. 

I’ve been struggling with parenting. Deeply. Intensely. Spectacularly badly. And, recently, calling out for help. Help – I hope – is on its way. Professional help. Together with humility. Our preschooler, the former Miracle Toddler (MT), has brought me to my knees. Often. I do not like the parent I have become in the face of his growing oppositional defiance. Shame is a constant. And soul crushing. But. Help – professional help – is, I hope, coming soon. For both him and me/us. 

And those things, my friends, have made like a cat and got my tongue. 


17 thoughts on “Where I have been

  1. Even in these few words you write more openly and honest than any post I have written. Thank you for letting us into your personal and private thoughts. I’m so happy that you reached out for help. You are so strong xx

  2. I hear you. I feel you. Those years when Max was a toddler and Alex was a baby / infant were so hard at times. And no one “got it”. Everything was just expected. Carry on as before. Do this do that! Visit her visit him. Go to that party that dinner that drink. Give give give and never getting much back. Feeling drained and tired and, together with your kids, bearing the brunt of your short temper and impatience. Everyone expecting. No one understanding

    And then….

    (Prob when Alex hit 1.5/2) it all changes dramatically. And suddenly I was reaping huge rewards. It was as if the kids had seen and knew just how hard it had been, how much is given and how crap others had been. We became this sort of team… Unified. Strong. Unbreakable.
    You’ll see!

  3. I’m sorry you’ve been going through such a tough time. I wish it wasn’t so, but since I can’t change it I’ll just keep you in my thoughts and wish you strength, and I hope the help that is on its way helps ease the burden. xxx.

    • Thank you! I am now laughing at the just plain bad luck that I call our lives together here in this fam damily. Dog in surgery today (she’s okay thank Dog). Remember my plumbing note on your blog? We got News last night we need to gut and redo our entire main bathroom. That was not on the agenda or in the budget let me tell you! And looming work deadlines neither of us can make. Oh and the tax authority being the tax authority. It would all be funny if it wasn’t true. I will post a photo of the bath demo. Started last night. Continues Friday morning.

  4. I’ve been thinking of you, my friend. I’m so sorry to hear about your hurt and struggles. I feel acutely what you wrote here. You are a strong, amazing mother and woman. I’m so glad you are seeking help. I hope you can find some comfort in knowing you are taking a proactive and positive step in doing so, and let that help keep you afloat as you keep fighting the good fight. Sending you love and peace, as ever.

    • You had to know I’ve been thinking of you so so much. In part because you’re my friend and I think of you, just like that. 🙂 In part because if anyone could relate to the challenges of challenging behaviour from one’s child and the corresponding sense of immense failure, heartache, dread and so forth… Well. You are she.

      You know what they say about rain. We’ve seen some delightful behaviour (and some not so delightful) in the midst of homeowner disaster (plumbing leaks from hell that have incited a complete main bath Reno we didn’t plan and can’t afford). Yep. Pouring around here. Literally. Alas. It can only get better. Someday. Right?

  5. Amen! Seriously I cannot post on the blog or social media–I’ve become so introverted. Sounds like you are having a super rough time–Oppositional Defiance is some serious sh*t to deal with. My friend’s 4 year old daughter has been diagnosed and from my experience one minute she is hugging my BG and the next minute she’s gunning to run her over with a tricycle. It’s perplexing to see a child so inexplicably full of love and hate. But from what little I know, the behaviors can be corrected. XOXO

    • Interesting. My friend the professional psychologist says if that’s what this is often survival is best case scenario. Right now it’s hard to know if we meet the threshold or just come eerily close. It’s ripped a hole in my heart and my confidence let alone my sense of self. Steady diet of humble pie over here.

      It’s great to hear from you. I think of you. Don’t forget. Sending love. For real.

  6. I am sorry you are dealing with the extended terrible twos. Another way to look at the behavior is to gage just how much of his stubbornness he inherited from you… I wonder where he gets being strong-willed? 🙂 You two will find a balance and he will level off. I know it has to be hard, but you will get through it. Tell MT Santa is watching so he has to be a little sweeter :-). I am still holding out hope that a little girl will one day be a part of your family. I know your heart is breaking right now, but just as God healed your current situation, He is still in control of all others… xoxo

  7. When I think of the staggering odds and hurdles thrust your way to have not one but two children in this world, I am filled with confidence that you will get through this. You are strong even when you feel weak, you succeed even in the face of defeat. Honey, you’re a rock star, please member forget that. Sending you and your family love.

  8. Hugs! You are an amazing person. You have given of your self for your family and the world around you. I am sending my love and prayers that the love your family shares will carry you though these bumps.

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