Cancer

Gosh. I am so sorry for not writing. Ever.

Life has been busy. So busy. I’m parenting my crazy boys, fostering rescue dogs and working full time. The sleep deficit is at an all time high (low?).

But that’s not what brings me here.

I am stricken with an irrepressible urge to cry. A big ugly tear stained face and puffy eyes style cry.

I just ran into a colleague who has been off work for more than a year after being diagnosed suddenly with advanced and aggressive cancer.

I wanted so much to say “you look great”. I couldn’t. I wanted to cry. She looks and sounds like death. It took my breath away. Tears filled my eyes, my heart leapt to my throat, I could barely choke out “how are you?” Seems such an idiotic thing to ask. But it fell out of my mouth before I could shut the damned thing.

I walked back to my office to regroup and sort out the flood of feelings. I had this overwhelming sense of sadness. I felt afraid for my colleague. I missed my Mom. I felt ashamed of my shock and feeble question. Most of all I wanted (and still want) to cry.

Gosh. I hate this merciless disease.

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9 thoughts on “Cancer

  1. My son has stage 4 cancer. So I get asked the “how are you” questions. I don’t mind them. I like to state things very honestly. But yes, it is so hard to talk to someone you aren’t related to when you know they are near the end.

  2. Oh SBCH, that is wicked hard, hugs. I know what you mean about being triggered by cancer patients who remind you of your mother–I see ladies whose hair is obviously growing back post-chemo that are doppledangers of my mother and it punches me in the gut. I miss you. XOXO

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