The loneliest job

I have come to the realization that parenting in the post modern, imperialist, consumption-crazy part of the world in which my family and I live, with a special needs child, whilst juggling a demanding professional job and another sensitive child whose needs may or may not be getting met… is lonely.

So, so lonely.

I had to call 911 again yesterday when the dozen plus people (and me, and Miracle #1) could not find Baby A (who just turned 4). He was found, afraid and red hot, buried underneath a big bean bag chair where I can only assume he was hiding initially to be playful but which ultimately almost became suffocating (and yet he doesn’t regulate himself enough to just get out from under it).

But until then – until he was found, almost an hour later – it was heart stopping.

He has been approved for one on one child care subsidy at his daycare. But they haven’t hired anyone yet.

The bean bag and suffocation hazards did not feature much on my radar before last night. Now fear and the scope of potential sources of suffocation for a sensory kid who loves compression and small spaces into which to cram his lean frame feels overwhelming. I feel the panic rising and an anxiety attack gurgling up just writing about it.

I was not alone when this happened. Other parents, their children – all of whom know Azulito and that he is special in his own way – and some of the daycare staff were there and were helpful. Some were simply amazing.

But the LP wasn’t there and I never did reach him. And when he came home late I didnt even want to talk about it. What for?

What I feel – beyond fear and the tidal wave of anxiety yesterday’s madness has evoked – is lonely.

So, so lonely.

I’ve said it before. It bears repeating. Parenting is hard. Parenting special kids is hard.

So, so hard.

6 thoughts on “The loneliest job

  1. It sounds incredibly stressful. I am so sorry. I can’t even begin to imagine what you are going through. I am especially sorry you don’t sound like you have the co-parent you need and deserve. Although I do most of the day to day parenting (SAHM) he is fully engaged and supportive (and brings much needed humor to it all). I would be so lonely without it too. Sending love.

  2. Thank you for sharing this. What a traumatic and anxiety inducing experience. I know what that deep, dark lonliness is like. And I just want to say I see you, and I think you are remarkable for raising your children with such love and understanding.

  3. Oh no ! Not on his Birthday weekend. How horrifying this must have been for you and A. I am so sorry this happened but grateful he was found okay. You and LP need to have a heart to heart when you are up to it. Do not let feelings fester as it will place a further divide in your relationship. I am lifting you guys in my prayers. Keep your head up !!

    • Thank you. You make a really good point I hadnt thought about – maybe the bday excitement and sensory overload had something to do with it. Yes I have tried to explain how I feel and he is trying to work on it but it still feels so lopsided and it is more work than just the kids a lot of time

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