My body says no

I am a good listener. To everyone but myself. My body has protested the wrongs it has witnessed. And I have:

– pushed through

– worked harder

– been resilient [to the point of maladaptation]

– survived

– succeeded

– routinely felt like a failure

I started reading When The Body Says No by controversial west coast Canadian MD Gabor Mate. Okay, listening. My broken brain/eye needs less reading. It has been a self-reflective and jarring ride.

My body has been saying no for a long time. I was about to write “I’ve only recently really started listening” but that doesn’t feel truthful.

The truth is, I trust my gut in work and parenting a child whose needs and challenges are special, high, whatever we call them. I trust my gut most of the time in friendships.

I don’t listen to my body tell me no. Enough. Stop. You are good enough.

I cannot seem to hear those messages, or couldn’t until my brain and eyesight broke in September. Now I have little choice but to listen. And more than that – I want to listen.

Starting over at this age and stage seems so misguided. Sad, really. Yet here I am, ever the late bloomer.